"One day I had this thought 'I just really want to feel love from my family!'
Then I got this phone call from my mother saying 'Laurel your dad and I want to invite you and your girlfriend over for dinner and games in a couple of weeks.'
That struck a chord because that was the first time that has ever happened, and I was like 'OK awesome!
The Lord is so in our lives and He recognizes what we want and need and He brings those miracles and tender mercies. With that kind gesture my parents offered me, my heart began to soften, my layers started peeling off, and I started to feel that love and to believe it again."
Laurel shares her story of trying her hardest to serve a mission despite health challenges.
After coming home early from her mission for the second time, she describes the struggles she experienced.
Laurel tried finding happiness outside of the church, and eventually was led back after feeling God reaching out to her.
Laurel now finds peace & joy by serving as a temple worker.
Transcription
ASHLY
00:14
Laurel, I am so excited to have you on the podcast. I always appreciate when people have the courage to message me on Instagram and say, “Hey, I have a story to tell, and it needs to be said.” So that's kind of how we met and connected. I'm just excited to be able to have this opportunity to hear your story because I know it's amazing. Why don't we start with hearing a little bit about you and then we can jump into it?
LAUREL
00:49
Yeah, thank you so much for having me. It's good to be here. As you said, my name is Laurel. I currently live here in Utah Valley, but I consider Southern California my home. And I'm the middle child, of five–
ASHLY
Me too! Middle child syndrome! Woot woot!
LAUREL
Yeah. I grew up playing sports, basketball, soccer. I even went surfing in the ocean with my neighbors growing up. And so that's me, and I also like to do comedy improv performing. So I consider myself well rounded.
ASHLY
Yeah.
LAUREL
And I currently work at Moxtek, here in Orem, which is a place of microscopic manufacturing production. So a lot of tiny, tiny work. But yeah, so that's me in a gist.
ASHLY
01:48
Let's go ahead and jump into it. I'd love to hear where it all started. What your earlier days in the church looked like kind of what your testimony was like, when you were younger, and then go from there.
LAUREL
02:05
All right. Well, I was born in the covenant. For those who don't know what that is, my parents were sealed in the temple. And those are sacred ordinances that we have. And then I was born later. I've always gone to church, and I’m not gonna lie–the church was my favorite, because I always got snacks as a kid. I'm always a foodie. I always kind of relied on my parents’ testimony for the longest time. And I would like to say it was strong before I served my mission, but it got stronger when I was on my mission. And my mission is the start of my story that I'm going to share with you today.
So I was called, ironically, to the California, San Diego mission. I got called there after my parents and my family moved to Utah, so I went back to my home state, just an hour south of where I grew up. And then the MTC was a very, very trying time, but I saw many tender mercies. It was a trying time because I was sick for the full three weeks that I was assigned to be there. It got to the point where they thought I had appendicitis. And so they sent me to the ER, Conference weekend of 2012,10 years ago. Nothing was found, they didn't find anything that was wrong. But the first tender mercy was, I was laying there in a hospital bed in the ER and I looked over, I saw my uncle Brian who works for the EMT. Just seeing him there, I knew that God was watching over me. He called my parents and I got to talk with my parents for a minute or two. And then I went back to the MTC from the hospital, and then I never got better. I was supposed to be there for three weeks, but they kept me an extra week just to get me better so it was difficult seeing my district leave the MTC, and then there was just me. So it was a very trying time, but it's amazing though what the Lord has in store for us, to help us be instruments in his hands. They put me with a district that was two weeks behind me and it turned out that they really needed help. All of them were struggling as a district, so they were saying, “Laurel,” or, “Sister Greathouse, you're an answer to our prayers.” And that humbled me because I was very bitter. Three weeks at the MTC is hard enough. Then the week later I got better. Everything was great. I was finally feeling like myself. I got sent to San Diego. I was put in a trio because I arrived a week after transfers. And then I was seeing so many miracles, but a week after I got to San Diego, I was starting to get sick again. I thought, “What is the deal here?” It was interesting because I prayed to know what Heavenly Father's will for me was, and then I opened up my scriptures. I like to test God’s promises– you know that exercise when people say, “Okay, I'm going to pray, then open up my scriptures and just start reading”? That's what I did. I ended up in D&C 75. And it talked about “It’s My will that you serve Me.” So I stuck it out. That next week, it was a miracle in itself, because I got to invite two females to commit to baptism. And so the Lord, let me feel healthy during that week, but then after that week, I was sick again. It turned out that I was sent home four weeks after I arrived in San Diego. It was really hard.
06:39
I was adapting, trying to adapt to being home. Every time I thought about going to school, it just did not feel right. So I knew that I was going to go back on my mission somehow, someway. Luckily the Lord inspired my church leaders to invite me to be with the sister missionaries at Utah State University and be with them two or three times a week. The other days, I would be a temple worker at the Logan temple. It kind of caught me by surprise, because 10 years ago, you didn't really see young people being a temple worker at all. So it was the most humbling experience. I got the medicine I needed, I got the coping mechanisms I needed, and then I was happily sent back to San Diego in April 2014. I just felt I was on the top of the world. It was the best. I saw a lot of miracles. I saw so much light, and saw people's lives change because the Lord has put people in my path to help them. That will forever be one of the biggest miracles and tender mercies as a missionary. And so I got back to San Diego in April of 2014. Things were going great. I felt good. Then June rolled around and I thought, “Oh no, I'm getting sick again. No.” And so July 22, 2014, I was sent home again. My heart sank. It hurt so bad. And my anxiety just went through the roof thinking, “What are my parents gonna think? What are my church friends gonna think?” All the people just said goodbye to me, and now obviously, it's human nature to question, or be curious,” which I understood. And then when I saw my mother, she was the first one I hugged coming down that Salt Lake escalator. And she just gave me the tightest hug and said, “Laurel, we are so proud of you.” That's another miracle. It's interesting how the adversary likes to put thoughts in our mind and tell us lies. But my mother proved that wrong. And so I was like, “All right, my mission is done.”
For the first six months back, I was doing really well, or so I thought. I was giving talks mainly about the Atonement on the High Council Sundays in various wards in my stake, and then I just kind of put on that pretend face that I was okay. But I know deep down that I was suffering, because back then, or even still now, there is a stigma of, “Oh, I must be a failure if I don't finish the anticipated time on my mission.” But it shouldn't be that way. The Lord recognizes our efforts in all that we do. And so in January of 2015, I was at a very vulnerable spot. And there were thoughts in my mind that said, “Laurel, you are a failure. You don't belong in this church. You're better off without it.” And for the longest time, I thought those words were reasonable, because I thought those were my own words. But I'll touch base on that later. And so I decided to step aside from the church. During that time, I had a self discovery journey of having same gender attraction. I thought, “Okay, I'll explore it.” So I did. I dated women for four years. I thought I was happy.
11:10
I'm not dismissing anybody else's happiness, this is just my own journey, just to clarify for my friends out there. I dated several different women, and some relationships almost ended up in marriage. There was definitely marriage talk. I felt on cloud nine with it all. Throughout it all, there were some people that were not the greatest influences that I surrounded myself with. They were saying, “God doesn't love you. There's no reason for you to even attempt to follow Jesus. There's no way for you to go back. And so you might as well just live your truth.” And I thought, “Well, that's kind of lofty. That's quite a bold thing to say.” When I'm just trying to figure out my own truth, in my mind I’m thinking, “Who are they to think that they know what my truth is? Because they haven't exactly been part of my journey, let alone been in my shoes. Maybe they’ve had similar experiences, but not exactly like mine.” I started to realize that my true Laurel was disappearing. I distanced myself from my family, because I thought that they didn't love me. And then I was just thinking, “I just want to feel love from my family.” And I want to clarify that after years of contemplating that, my family loved me all along. It's just the adversary wanted to put those thoughts in my mind that I wasn’t loved, so I could grow more distant from my family in the first place. And so going back, I just wanted love from my family. Then I got this phone call from my mother saying, “Laurel, your dad and I want to invite you and your girlfriend over for dinner and games, in a couple of weeks.” That surprised me because it was the first time that had ever happened. So in my mind, I thought, “Oh, great! awesome!” The Lord is so in our lives, that He recognizes what we want and need, and He brings those miracles and tender mercies. With that kind gesture, with what my parents did for me, my heart began to soften. Those blinders started to fall away, the layers started peeling off and off and off, and I started to feel that love, and to believe it again, and to know it. Then at that time, I was up at Utah State, and then I was involved with the women's basketball program up there and thinking, “Okay, yeah. This is my chance to get on the team. It's gonna be good, and I can live my dreams.” And then, after the first year, while I was there helping them, I had this recurring thought: “Move to Orem.” I thought, “Why would I do such a thing? I have it all here.” “Move to Orem.” It came to the point that it would not leave me alone. It only did finally leave me alone when I found a place to live in Orem. A lot of people thought I was moving down to Orem because that's where my former girlfriend lives, but I knew that was not the case. I knew there was something deep down, that I was about to learn, but I didn't want to approach it yet. So I moved down to Orem. Of course, that relationship didn't work out, which is fine. I just decided that was a good time for me to work on myself, to find ways to heal my soul that has been torn into a million pieces by different sources, different people telling me how I should live, away from following Jesus. It was quite the journey. And so I moved in with good roommates, they knew what I was up to. And they were very loving, and kind. They served me, and they were there to talk with me. When I moved down here, it took several years to get going back with the church, though.
Here's one of my favorite miracles. In early January of 2018, I hit rock bottom. I lost myself, I lost my sense of my divine identity as a daughter of God. I wouldn't wish that feeling upon my worst enemy. I was alone in my bedroom. I don't remember what exact day it was, but early in the morning, on a cold January day, the thought of prayer came to mind. “Pray to Heavenly Father, who you haven't talked to in years.” Soon after thought came, I became paralyzed. As if a dark room can't get any darker, it did. And then I just heard laughing, like somebody was laughing at my pain. Someone that was saying, in my mind, “It's best to end your life. Or never follow Jesus again.” I thought, “I know that's not from Heavenly Father. Goodness!” It was just so beyond comprehension. The timing seemed like eternity, but probably happened all in a couple of minutes' time span. Then I felt this gentle nudge on my shoulder that helped me kneel down from my paralyzed body. And nobody else was in there. And then I was just crying. I was sobbing. I just knelt down and tried to talk in my mind, but I knew Heavenly Father knew what I was trying to say. In my mind, I was trying to say, “Heavenly Father, are You there? Do you love me? I'm sorry. I'm sorry for betraying our relationship. I'm sorry for going against what I taught on my mission six months prior. And I asked, “Will You forgive me?” Then a peaceful and calming light appeared just as fast as that darkness vanished. The whole room changed. And I heard Heavenly Father saying in my mind, “Laurel, my child, I love you, I need you. Will you please come back?” And then I finally got to sleep, and then it took me a little while. And then another miracle happened.
Earlier in my story I mentioned moving to Orem, Utah and not knowing why. It's not really about the destination, but about the people you are with that helps you. And so, my best friend, Heather, she was my Relief Society president. She was my ministering sister forever. Some people rotated with different other sisters in the ward, but somehow, someway, Heather always was mine.
20:39
She is the most Christlike person I know. I wish you could hear her voicemail. It says, “You are awesome. God loves you. And I'll try to get back to you.” Her countenance–her light was really, really bright around her. I aspire to be like her one day. And so after that prayer, I decided two weeks later that I was going to go back to church. I was going to go, trying to get my temple recommend back. I mentioned Heather, because two days later, after I knelt down in prayer and told Heavenly Father I was going to come back, Heather Peterson died in a tragic car accident. I thought, “Who am I going to sit by in church? Heather encouraged me to come. I can't do this alone. I know Christ is there, but I need someone physical there to be there with me.” The next week leading up to her funeral, the sisters that served with her, and the Relief Society president told me, “Laurel, the Lord told us to keep Heather with you with the ministering.” That just softened my heart because it just shows that Heavenly Father is aware of us. And He preserved her life here on earth long enough till Heavenly Father said “Okay, I trust Laurel, she could go forward. It's time to bring Heather home.” And so that week leading up to her funeral was the hardest week. All the doubts and fears came. “How can I do this without Heather? I don't know if I could do it.” And one night, I had a dream. Usually, when I try to sort things out in my mind, normally I like to go on walks. So in my dream, I was taking a walk around the Provo City Center temple. I was alone, or so I thought. I looked up. And Heather was right there with me.
ASHLY
Wow.
LAUREL
And she said, “Laurel, you’ve got to keep going. I'm there with you. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are always there with you. I will never leave your side.” She's notorious for her best hugs. So in the dream, she gave me a hug. And then she's like, “Laurel, keep going, keep walking. But I gotta go. And I have other work to do. But no, I'll be there with you every step of the way.” Then when I woke up, it's like, “Okay, let's do this. Heather and I together.” And that just shows how angels on both sides of the veil are there to be with us, whether it's through good times or bad.
I got my temple recommend back in April of 2018. My sister and I went back to the temple. She was there with me. And I remember after sitting down in a session and entering the celestial room, all I heard was, “Welcome home Laurel.” I will never forget that pure joy and love I experienced that day. And then my bishop says, “Laurel, how would you like to become a temple worker?” I thought, “What?” I felt it was a good thing to do. So I became a temple worker. I'm still a temple worker to this day.
ASHLY
Wow.
LAUREL
It definitely helps keep me grounded. And that's a miracle in itself. The temples are miracles, and answers to prayers are miracles. And going through the experiences I've been through these past years, it gives me so much hope. Hope to me is like a beautiful sunrise. New beginnings, bright, colorful, full of light. Joy. I also learned that faith over fear is very necessary. Because faith just shows us that okay, I trust God. Even though I don't know what tomorrow may bring, or what Heavenly Father will ask of me, or it's like He says, “Here Laurel, do this,” but not knowing why. Kind of like when I had that impression to move to Orem, I didn't know why until a couple years later. But I do have a firm testimony of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and that Heavenly Father loves every one of his children. And that's something that I would like to get across in this podcast. No matter who you are, what background you are, whichever way you decide to live, the love is always constant, and it's always there.
ASHLY
26:44
I love that, so much. What an incredible story that is, I am so happy that you shared that with us. What do you think was one of the most challenging parts of coming back? What was probably the hardest thing?
LAUREL
27:02
The temptations that the adversary always puts on me. In a recent talk from President Nelson, he talks about getting on the covenant path and staying there. And he mentions, “It doesn't mean that your life is going to get any easier.” I could testify of that. Honestly, my life has been harder because I came back. Not because it's a bad thing. I don't see it as a bad thing for life to be hard. But I just feel like it's harder because in my journey, and in my life, what I've come to know and to be true, is that the hardest things are the things that are the most worth fighting for.
ASHLY
Yep. I had Alba, I don't know if you heard her episode, but I just love her so much. That was something that she mentioned. She talked about when she left and she's like, “Okay, well, it's a lot easier because I have my Sundays that are free. I don't have to pay tithing. I can wear whatever I want.”
LAUREL
Right.
ASHLY
“I don't have to serve in callings,” and all these things. And then she thought about it and said, “What in life that is worth something comes easy?”
LAUREL
Exactly. Exactly.
ASHLY
If we put in work for school, for a degree, that doesn't come easy. Or for a job that we put in effort, you know, if it's something that's rewarding, it doesn't come easy. And it's so true. We do a lot in the church and it keeps us really busy. But it is worth the joy that comes from serving in the Lord's church. So I love that.
LAUREL
Yeah. Serving in the Lord's cause is the best thing ever.
ASHLY
Yeah.
LAUREL
It was interesting—what you just said, it kind of reminded me that it's just so hard to stay, because the adversary is working so hard to pull you back.
ASHLY
Yeah.
LAUREL
Every day. Every day I go through that. And then when I thought I was free away from the church, looking back, man, I was trapped.
ASHLY
Yep.
LAUREL
I lost my sense of identity. I lost my happiness. My true self went somewhere else. I don't know where she went, but looking to get her back was a lesson in itself. But coming back, even though it's super hard every day, it's worth every moment of fighting for it.
ASHLY
30:01
I relate with that so much. I shared on the podcast with Leo, this last podcast, that I thought that leaving the church I was going to be so free. I thought that meant that I could do whatever. I thought, “I don't have all of these restrictions that are keeping me bound.” But the truth was that I was never so trapped as I was when I was out. I thought, “I can drink alcohol and do drugs and all of these things, because I don't have anything that's stopping me.” And I was in total chains. It's interesting, I love that you say, you lost your identity. When I was out, it was like I was trying to find all of these things to make me somebody, or I was trying to identify myself with all these different things. I am closer to my true self now than I've been. I'm more like my self when I was a kid, and I was so pure. That's more me now than it ever was before. And I think it's because I'm just in touch with my true self and what truly matters to me. And I've experienced a change of heart. And I've been able to come back to what matters the most to me. And it sounds like you have a very similar experience to that.
LAUREL
31:30
Yes. Yeah. It's just incredible. And you know what? God's love is real. And don't let other people make you think otherwise, because they'll confuse you. But yeah, so yeah, it's been quite the learning experience. I still learn new things every day. And just having that gift of Heavenly Father letting me see others the way that He sees them, because I went through what I went through. Our journeys are not a mistake, even though we like to think they may be, but they're not. It’s because they lead us to where we are meant to be.
ASHLY
Yeah.
LAUREL
And I've been told over and over and over again, like in the temple and different priesthood blessings, saying, “Your journey, the way it ended up, it was supposed to happen that way. You're supposed to go through X, Y, and Z, to get to where you're supposed to be. Heavenly Father is refining all of his children in preparation for the second coming of the Lord. And I think that's one of the best gifts, the hardest gift, but one of the best.
ASHLY
32:51
Yes, I agree so much. I look at my past as a drug addict, and all of these things. And now, it has all come full circle. I wouldn't recommend that path to anybody because I barely made it out alive, but it has taught me and refined me, and Heavenly Father will work all things to the good of those who love Him. And I've experienced that in my life so much. What advice would you have for somebody that got sent home early from their mission?
LAUREL
33:28
Throw the stigma away really quick. Please don't think you're a failure. I've had several other friends that got sent home. And I’ve had good talks with them. I'm pretty sure in every mission call it says, “It is anticipated that you will serve for a certain amount of time.” That doesn't mean you have to. And so the Lord recognizes your efforts. He loves that you even considered a mission because you felt it was right for you at that time. There are lessons to be learned. And just from that, start at the foundation. If you lose your testimony because you feel like a failure, start at a foundation of learning how to gain that relationship. Or not gain, because you already have it. It's more like help it grow. Get to know Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Talk with them in different ways, like in prayer, or like if you're going on a walk, just talk to Them. They want to hear from you. Just learn. Learn from Them about how they see you. That has made all the difference.
ASHLY
34:45
No, I love that so much. Another question for you. What advice would you give for how a parent, or a family member of somebody, can help their child come back to the church? How can they help to not cause a barrier?
LAUREL
35:20
Just meet them where they're at. Love them. Invite them to things. Don’t, don’t … I hate saying the word “don't,” but just have them be part of the family. Don't treat them any more special than anyone else. Treat them as equals. And be prayerful. Pray to Heavenly Father to know how to help His child come back. And there's a purpose and timing for everything. Timing may come soon, or take forever. And so just trust in the Lord and His timing. Easier said than done—we all know that. But yeah, just be prayerful and continue doing what you're doing. Stay on the covenant path and the Lord will make up the rest.
ASHLY
36:22
I love that so much. Well, Laurel, your story is absolutely incredible. And I'm so grateful that you reached out to me and I'm so grateful to share this on the podcast. Do you have any final words before we wrap up? Anything that you want to leave listeners with?
LAUREL
36:40
Yeah. Specifically to my LGBTQ brothers and sisters. You may feel that the Lord doesn't love you. You may feel a little bit of confusion. You may feel a little bit of doubt. But know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love you very, very, very much. Trust me, They do. And you are not a mistake. You are a child of God. And having that divine identity sets you apart. And as we all are children of God. If you are still believing in Jesus, continue that relationship with Him. Let Him guide you. Counsel with Him, and know that you are loved, beyond measure, more than you'll ever know.
ASHLY
37:45
I love that. That was the perfect, perfect ending. Thank you so much, Laurel.
LAUREL
37:50
Thank you so much, Ashly. So good to meet you.
ASHLY
Yeah, good to meet you.
