Jason Ruch, police officer of 16 years, SVU detective, SWAT team member, shares his story of coming back to The Church of Jesus Christ, after divorce, being excommunicated and battling alcohol.
He shares his experience of how losing his dad made his heart yearn for peace.
Jason is now married in them temple, has an incredible family and love for the gospel.
Transcription
ASHLY
00:15
Jason, I am so excited to hear your story. I kind of know a little bit of, you know, just bits and pieces of what you've shared with me but tell me a little bit just about you what you do. Just a little bit of background there. Okay.
JASON
00:31
I am from Utah, mostly. I used to live in Kansas for a bit. That's where my dad was from. But after a while there we moved back to Utah where my mom was from, and have been here since. I guess I've been a police officer for almost 16 years. I do our Special Victims Unit investigations and Internet Crimes Against Children Task Force. But it's been a good career. I've done SWAT, crash reconstruction, you name it. Got an awesome family. I recently just barely got married a couple months ago.
ASHLY
Congratulations!
JASON
Thank you. Yeah, remarried I guess. Together we have six kiddos, ranging from almost four years old, to almost 17 years old. So yeah. Quick, me in a nutshell.
ASHLY
01:31
Awesome. Well, so when you were, I want to hear a little bit about you growing up. Did you? Were you raised in the church? What was kind of your experience growing up? When was your first kind of exposure to the church? You know, all of that,
JASON
01:46
Yeah, I actually, I was raised in church. My dad was a convert when he lived in Kansas, but my mom, they have a whole long history of church membership. So yeah, I grew up in the church, we went to church. You know, sort of the Sunday Utah thing I guess. You know, the young mens, Boy Scouts, all that stuff. Had a lot of good experiences with that. And so yeah, I was in the church. And here I am now back into church.
ASHLY
02:25
Awesome. Do you feel like at a young age, you had a testimony of the gospel? Or do you feel like you kind of were going through the motions or what was your experience there?
JASON
02:36
I would say maybe both. My parents are, they're great. My dad passed a couple years ago, but my mom's still going strong. Great. We just never did a lot of the, like the family night stuff each week. So we didn't do a whole lot of that. But at church, it felt good. And, you know, I believed in things. But then as I got older, it was sort of like this or that church friends? I don't know. So I believed it. But I don't know if my testimony was necessarily like, super strong to where if the temptation or something came up to me, I'd be like, no, go away. If that makes sense.
ASHLY
03:27
Totally. Yeah. So what kind of led to your distancing from the church? What kind of led to leaving the church or, you know, where you got to there?
JASON
03:40
I actually went on a mission, a two year mission. And I loved it. Even when I was out of the church, I never, you know, I always told people it was awesome, great, I loved it. But even before that, in high school, I struggled with a little bit, well, a little bit of alcohol. And with some buddies, we liked to go do our thing. So it was doing that every weekend type thing. And then I met a gal and she was a pretty strong member of the church until we started dating. And then she found out because obviously at that time, I didn't tell her, you know, and so then I was like, Okay, I need to go this way or that way. And so I went the way of the mission. It was great. I came home, we got married in the temple. Couple years in though, I started struggling with some things, some personal things. I started, not even alcohol at the time and just got myself in some situations that were, I shouldn't have been in. Whether or not I did this or that it's neither here nor there. I was just in places I shouldn't have been. And then I got, a divorce stemmed from that and that broke me, like it destroyed me. I met with the church. I actually got excommunicated from the Church for a while. And so at that time, it just went straight back to my old habits, alcohol, depression, alcohol, depression, and then throw in police work at the same time, you know, you're dealing with and seeing things that you can't even explain to people. It's so horrific. And I just really went deep, deep, deep down.
ASHLY
05:33
Did you have kids at this time? What, if so, what was that situation like?
JASON
05:38
Yeah, my daughter was only one at the time. So the divorce itself, you could tell even at a young age, it was sort of confusing at first for her because she was, you know, especially, she was getting close to two. It sort of worked its way out, I guess. But even in the beginning, it's like, here I am, what was I, 25, 26. And I'm back at mom and dad's house, in a bedroom with my daughter, like, a couple hours a week. And it was horrible. Like it was I got to the point and I had just started my law enforcement career. And there were days that I would come home, and I would just lock myself in the room, watch a show and just drink all night long, even in my room. And I would be late for work. I wouldn’t get up for work. I mean, it was a rough beginning of my career.
ASHLY
06:34
So police officers aren't perfect, it sounds like.
JASON
06:39
Far from! We try to do the best we can, at least I do.
ASHLY
06:44
So tell me how it felt to be excommunicated. Like you have this mission. The mission is something you're super proud of. What did that feel like to be excommunicated? Tell me a little bit about that.
JASON
06:59
You know, initially, well, I was a little embarrassed because it just happened to be that in the high council where I was, someone that I had grown up with, he was like, my parents age. But he had known me through my youth. And I was like, Oh, my goodness, this is embarrassing. But, you know, I sort of took it. I showed up, I talked to him, I told him what happened, and this and that, and, and they made that decision. And at first, I was okay with it. I was like, you know what, it was a good spirit about the meeting. No hard feelings, they're just doing what they feel is best. And so initially, I was okay with it. Fast forward a couple of years. There was once or twice, like, my daughter started getting a little bit older or getting closer to baptism. So I was like, well maybe I need to try to change some things around. But it seemed like every time I would try to make some steps, paperwork would get lost, or something like this would happen. And I was like, You know what? Forget it. You don't want me, I don't want you. So then I started getting pretty bitter. And was just like, nah, you know. I always have had that spirit and I've always felt something, higher power, but I was like, I'll find it my own way. And so I got to that point after a while.
ASHLY
08:20
So tell me a little bit more about that. So you're like, Okay, I'm going to find my higher power in my own way. What did that look like for you? Were you going to other churches? Were you, you know, like experimenting with different religions? Or what did that look like?
JASON
08:35
Um, I, no, I didn't really go to any other churches, but I had friends that were going to the churches that I would reach out to, and talk to them a little bit. Like, I just was, like, I just, I'm looking for something, but I don't know what. And, you know, some of them would give me a copy of their Bible or whatnot and occasionally, I would read it. But for me, it was mostly like, I'm big into like, the Christian shows and movies and stuff. And so even the cheesy ones, you know, and so I would, I would watch a lot of those just sort of get like some kind of a good feeling inside. Usually after I’d watched one of those is when I’d maybe reach out to someone and be like, so, you know, why this or why that. But that was a few years down the line. But that was about the extent of it.
ASHLY
09:28
So what was it that kind of led you back to the church? Were their certain experiences? You know, what was it that kind of pushed you back?
JASON
09:42
So in, I would say 2013, January 2013, I woke up one day and I started dealing really, really bad with some PTSD from work. And for the next two years. I just kept it in. It was all like, I'm not telling anyone. But holy cow, it was miserable. Like, I would get angry about the smallest things. The drinking, just increased, like I would come home from work and have alcohol down my throat before I even got into my bedroom. And I was just like, wherever I land that day I land. You know, and it was just, I was so depressed. I was just so down. I just, yeah, it was pretty horrible. And then about 2015 ish, I finally talked to a friend who was having some similar things, which was a relief, because I'm like, I can't be the only one dealing with this or struggling with it, you know. And so we talked a little bit, and then I actually got into a little bit of therapy. And this lady looked at me and she was really sweet. But she's like, holy cow, you, yeah, you have some issues we need to fix. And so I really started working with her a little bit and working just on myself. First, physically and things of that nature. And then 2017 came and I was actually in California for some football games and I happened to go to an Angels baseball game at the same time, high school football. But I was sitting there in an Angels game by myself with a beer in my hand. And I just had this thought come across me that was like, you need to stop now or you're not going to be around a whole lot longer. You know, I just had this thought that I was hurting myself internally with doing all the stuff I was doing to my body. And really about that time I just cold turkeyed it. You know, I went a good year and then you know, occasionally I'd maybe have a little sip of something. But it was rare, maybe at dinner, or something to that effect. And then yeah, 2018 came, 2019 and I really started, look, I want to get back into this. I was still talking to friends before that. And it just wasn't feeling the same.
ASHLY
12:21
Like, you were talking to friends that were like, drinking friends or church friends?
JASON
12:27
No, more friends of mine that were other faiths. So still looking into their, you know, why are you there? What, what makes it feel good to you, type thing. But the other friends or coworkers, that was pretty difficult at first to make some of those changes, because you do something for long enough. And then you come in one day, and just say you're done. It can be a rough crowd sometimes, so. But yeah, I just kept going for it. And then I started talking to some of the leaders, the bishop. I had a great Bishop, who, at first, just took me under his wings and loved me as a friend, we were friends. Like he knew, like, when I was ready, I would come to him. That's what I did one day. I said, alright, let's do this. And, you know, here we are three or four years later. And I'm back, so.
ASHLY
13:25
So, in the beginning, when you were just starting to come back, you're at the baseball game, and you have that feeling. And then you just start kind of, you know, taking steps in that direction. Were there any like, you know, with the bishop, I mean, was it just like, you were like, Okay, I'm gonna, I'm gonna reach out to him, or were there any things that kind of like pushed you in that direction? And another question on top of that was when you went back to church for the first couple of times, how did that feel? Did you feel like you were being judged by people? Did you feel like what was your experience like with that?
JASON
14:05
Well, your first question as far as the bishop, I think him and I have been friends really helped because I was able to just talk to him about anything, and everything doesn't matter the time of day. So it was one of those, hey, let's talk. Went in and formally talked with each other and just said, Hey, you know, this happened, I want to try to move forward. But I mean, it was not like, hey, let's roll and I'm perfect. Because, you know, you have your slip ups, especially when you've been doing things for so long. It's hard to cut some of that out. So, yeah.
ASHLY
13:33
When you came back to church, did you feel judged? Or did you feel like, what was the congregation like? Did you feel welcomed?
JASON
13:43
I will say initially, no. So I had been married a second time, went through another divorce, through a lot of this stuff. The good thing is, I have good relationships with them for our kids and stuff like that. So, but so I was on my own. And in the meantime, through all this, I'd gotten a bunch of tattoos as well. So not only am I by myself, but I've got tattoos all over my arms and everything. And, and, you know, it's frustrating, because even when I wasn't trying to get back in, there's people at the supermarket or whatnot. I mean, I had a lady right in front of me tell her little child that I was a bad person because I had tattoos. And I should have turned around. I didn't. But part of me was like, you know, I risk my life everyday for you and your family. You don't me, you know? And so that's, and I'm a pretty easy going guy. Yeah, I really struggled for a little while, to be honest. Sort of by myself. Go to church and leave and come home type thing. And it was like that for a bit.
ASHLY
14:54
So what do you feel like kept you in the church? Like you're going by yourself? You're feeling you know, I'm sure just a little uncomfortable going to church by yourself? What were your experiences like, like, what kept you going during that?
JASON
15:09
A couple of things. One, I feel like I've always been blessed with just my personality. I feel like it's kept me afloat in a few situations. Just able to sort of dig deep, go with it and whatnot. Not afraid to put myself out there. One thing that really hit though, two years ago, my dad passed away unexpectedly, right in the middle of, sort of this transition. And, oh, that was really rough, really, really rough, and heartbreaking. And it really though, for me, was like, Look, you know, either I believe that I'm gonna him again, and I keep doing this, and have faith, or I'm upset and mad that this happened. And I just go back to where I was before. And that's been a huge thing for me the last few years is just remembering him. And you know, my grandparents and stuff, but it's something different when it's your parents. Because I have rough days all of the time. There are days, I'm like, holy cow. And I just tried to remember him and go from there.
ASHLY
16:18
So what, tell me a little bit more about you and meeting your wife and how that all went down. And I mean, some maybe some of the blessings that you've experienced with coming back to the church.
JASON
16:31
Two years ago, almost two years ago, right after my dad passed away. So, I was living up north,here in Utah, and my mom was down in Utah County. So I was thinking, Okay, I need to find a place closer to my mom and I need to get back down there by her. And so I was starting to look around online and everything. I'm just like, this just doesn’t work and this and that. And, I had a friend randomly messaged me and was like, hey, this basement apartment is for rent in our neighborhood. So I'm like, okay, cool. I looked at it and the owner of the house upstairs I went to school with. And I hadn't seen him in 20 years plus. And so I messaged him. I’m like, hey, I want your house. It's in my budget. It's in my location. I don't even want to come look at it. I just want your basement apartment. Don't give it to anyone else. And so they saved it for me whatever I moved in. And let's see, that was yeah, about this time, two years ago. A couple of months later, and we're in the COVID thing, right then, ok. So no one's going to church. I don't know anyone. And January comes, a few months later. And I see this girl right across the street from me. And I didn't know her. I just thought she was a homeowner, right? And then a couple days later, I see her again. And then she starts going through the back door. And I'm like, Huh, I wonder. Maybe she's not like the homeowner, maybe she's living downstairs. So you know, I did a little ward directory search, take a gander and found out that she was single. And I'm Like, oh, cool, you know, and, and church was just starting to get going a little bit and I occasionally see her and just say hi type thing. And then I reached out to her once and started talking. And I can tell she was very like, not into the dating thing. Like she was a big Oh, stop sign, right? And so I just, we occasionally would say hi, I would just pop in every few weeks and say Hey, still here, you know, the guy across the street with the tattoos. And yeah, a few weeks after that, we started talking a little bit more. And then about a month later, I finally got her to go on a date with me. And that was about it really. At first, she's like, I don't want to rush anything. I’m like Hey, ya know, I'm good with whatever in this situation. So, we just got married in February this year, Provo Center Temple.
ASHLY
That is so awesome.
JASON
Yeah, right across the street. And you know, what's cool is, she told me when we started getting a little more serious, she said a prayer once and she's like, Heavenly Father, I just, I don't want to date. If you want me to remarry, you better put someone right across the street from me.
ASHLY
21:16
Oh, my gosh! I literally just got the chills. It's so cool. One of the things that I have found just in my own experience of coming back to the church, my husband has a similar experience of coming back. And I found that when you come back, there's like these little miracles that happen that God is so obviously in the details. And I just, I think that is so cool. And so amazing. And it just goes to show that like he's guiding us. And I love that so much.
JASON
21:52
I agree. I agree. One of my favorite talks that I've loved and was part of my coming back was Elder Eyring’s, Mountains To Climb. And in there he says, “even a twig of faith.”. And so I would tell myself, I'm driving to work. Okay, even a twig of faith, even a twig of faith, like all day long, and like twig of faith, twig of faith. And yeah, those little things are awesome.
ASHLY
22:18
Yeah, I'm gonna have to look that talk up. How do you keep your testimony strong today? What are things that you do? Or keep you I mean, you know, as time passes, we can get complacent, or what is it that you do to keep your testimony strong? I want to give a shout out for your Instagram account, because it is so awesome and I love it. And everybody that's listening to this should follow. What's your handle?
JASON
22:50
It is the.prodigalson. And it's I'm just, you know, I've done a little bit with it over the last few months, but I'm starting to get into a little, little more frequent now. And yeah, I don't know. It's cool. I just sort of thoughts I'm having or things that I've read or studied, I like to put on there. And hopefully it touches someone else.
ASHLY
23:11
I love that. Yeah. And I'll share it on my Instagram as well.
JASON
23:15
Yeah, that'd be great. I love it. You know, to go along with that, too. I just, I really don't listen to a whole lot of music outside of I'm big into Christian rock and like, just LDS hymns and different things. So I listen to a lot of that stuff. Even if I'm working out conference talks, church history, I really lik that book The Saints. I've been doing that, so. And then I try to study or read what I can at night time. And I just really try to focus on that stuff. And some days are great. Some days, I'm like, Wow, you really dropped the ball today Jase. But yeah, those things really tend to help even if I'm sort of having an off day, sort of brings my spirit back up.
ASHLY
24:01
I love that. Are there any like, with things I mean, you mentioned like reading The Saints books. There's a lot of things I think today that are pushing people away from the church or it's kind of becoming, I don't know. That was part of the reason why I wanted to start this podcast is because I feel like there's a lot of people that are sharing their, you know, opinions about why they're leaving. And they have their experiences, I'm not invalidating their experiences, but I wanted to be able to share stories of people that have come back and the reasons why. So I think there's a lot of things that people leave over, church history or things that they you know, things like that. So, you know, when it comes to if you have questions like that come up, how do you handle those? What does that look like for you?
JASON
25:00
I will say first off that there's just some things that we just don't know fully, we'll never really know fully right here on this earth. I've had those experiences. But for me, it was more of an internal thing. Because there have been people in the church who have bothered me in the past. And I didn't agree with certain ways or things. But I'm like, okay, look, you know, I'm in it for me. So it's my salvation. If I leave, because I'm upset at someone, then for me personally, that's shame on me. But there is a lot of church history out there. And I don't know it all. I'm learning it. And I will tell you this, though, I just got back from a church tour, back east. Went everywhere from Kirtland to the Susquehanna River to the Sacred Grove, and it was one of the most awesome and spiritual things I've ever done in my life. I know there's a lot of questions about this, or that, or, Hey, they used to do this, or they used to do that. But to learn about it, and see these areas and realize that a young man started something brand new, you know, brought it back. And to do all that is amazing. And of course, there's going to be things they're learning and doing. And, you know, they were initially having meetings where a lot of the men were smoking and chewing tobacco. And that's where a lot of the word of wisdom came in. And, you know, these guys were learning as they were going, and they're just humans like we are. But the things that we have from these men and women back then it was, what a blessing. And it's, yeah, I just the spirit, I felt in certain areas like the Sacred Grove was beyond explanation or words or whatever. It was awesome.
ASHLY
27:14
One of the things that you were just talking about was like, you felt like you had experiences where people kind of rubbed you the wrong way in the church. On the last podcast, I did, it was with Jr. Taimi and he was in a gang. I asked him the same question like, Hey, did you feel judged by anybody, and he's like, I don't have time for that. I was there for the glory of God! And I just love that because my story is I am almost 10 years clean for my heroin addiction. And when I first came back to the church, I you would have thought people were and people probably were judging me, you know, like, I probably smelled like cigarettes, I probably looked horrible. But I was so desperate for just, you know, hope and faith and for God's love, basically, that I just, it's like, all the other things kind of melted in the background. And there's something really cool about coming back. And no one's like, expecting anything from you. Like, they're not expecting you to be this perfect Sunday school teacher, or you're just coming back. And so you can really just soak it all up. And if you don't come, no one's gonna be like, Oh, my gosh, where are they? Because you're just starting to come back. And it's this feeling of, you know, you're there for God, and you're there for you and your own testimony. And there's something really amazing about that. So I don't know, like, I love what, what you had to say about that.
JASON
28:54
I've looked into some of your story, and I love it. And I love that you're doing this. And I agree. And real quick. You know, one thing, I'm just full of love. And I feel like I just want to hug all these people. When I see him at church. I'm like, yeah, just stay. You know, I love you. And if you ever feel like no one cares, I care. And, you know, it took me a minute, but like in an Elders Quorm meeting or something I finally, because you can tell sometimes from comments, people maybe who haven't gone through, things made me quite as severe as places that you and I have been. And it's like, okay, I understand your comment, but…. I like to give that other perspective, because I feel like it helps a little bit like, oh, okay, I didn't even think about that. So I can love here and love here. And so I think that's really important too, is just showing love, no matter what situation or experience someone had.
ASHLY
29:59
Yeah, I love that so much. And I think that, you know, a lot of people when they make mistakes, they can feel like, I can't come back. I don't fit into this like, picture perfect, you know, mold. But the Savior's Atonement is for people like us who made big mistakes. And I think it's one of the most incredible experiences to be so broken and then to have that change of heart, like Alma the Younger. I agree I do the same thing you know, in Relief Society or whatever, I love to share my story. And I'm sure some people are like, Oh my gosh, wow, that was a little intense for Relief Society. But to me, I feel like it's so important to be real and share these experiences of, you know, going from something so dark and horrible to having a life that is so amazing. And it's because I decided to have this little experiment and see if you know, the Savior's Atonement was really for me. And so it sounds like you did the same thing. And I just, I think that's so awesome.
JASON
31:09
Yeah, I love it. I still do. And in some of my Instagram posts, I always put the atonement is real. I always tell people, the Atonement is real. And, you know it can take someone like me and like you and look at us now. Look at the love and blessings.
ASHLY
31:27
Yep. So cool. So I wanted to ask, I mean, it's kind of piggybacking off of what we were just talking about. Some of those experiences that you may have had that, like, you anchor your testimony to, that you just can't deny. I mean, if you feel there's any experiences that you would feel comfortable, maybe sharing.
JASON
31:56
You know, like I said, a little bit ago, a big one now is my dad. Just especially with the plan of salvation. Without the atonement, like we were just talking about, I mean, I wouldn't even have that opportunity to see him again. So that's a big one for me. Whenever I think of him, you know, I know it's true. Like, the atonement is there. It's my bridge. And it's part of the plan to be able to be with him again. That one, that's the big part for me. You know, I've had experiences in the past with other things such as tithing, or word of wisdom, things of that nature. And you just can't deny it. Like, you know, before my dad passed away, when I was sort of hit miss, I can't even remember what it was. But I was trying to pay my tithing. And that was really hard for me at the time because I hadn't done it for over a decade. And I talked to my dad, and I said, Well, Dad, I need like, it was a specific amount of whatever that tithing was, is exactly what I needed. And so I decided to pay my tithing. And a couple days later, I get a phone call from my accountant for my taxes, like, hey, there was a mixup. So we have a check for $400, whatever. That exact amount. I all of a sudden had a random check for and I just and it still gives me chills. So you know, I, I had some of those experiences, and I remember those and, and there's some that maybe I don't even remember that clearly. But I just know that it's there. And how do you deny that? I just can't. When I'm reading and praying I just, the feeling, it just feels good. It feels right. And again, I don't know everything. But I know that it's true. And I believe it.
ASHLY
34:08
Yeah. I love that so much. Thank you for sharing that. What advice would you give to somebody that is maybe struggling? Maybe they're drinking, maybe they're just struggling in general and they're thinking about maybe coming back. But what advice would you give somebody or maybe give like your past self.
JASON
34:31
Though you probably don't think it, you're not that far gone from the church. The atonement is there. It doesn't matter if you've done one small sin or mistake, or you've been off the beaten path for years and you're never too far gone. Our Heavenly Father and Jesus, they love us and they're by our sides all the time. They want us to come back. So I would say don't beat yourself up. Because that's about the worst thing we could do. Because when we beat ourselves up, we just opened the door for other negative to come in. So, you know what? Buckle up, and it's going to be a bumpy ride. But there's always a way up.
ASHLY
35:21
I love that. Well, thank you so much for spending this time and sharing your story. Do you have any parting words of wisdom for us before we end?
JASON
35:33
You know, I just, I just go back. I love these conference talks. There's so much good stuff out there. But I'm just even a twig of faith. Keep that little twig. And even on rough days, just say a little prayer, whatever you need. Apologize for whatever it is, or ask for whatever it is you need. A twig of faith. And you keep doing that and use the atonement and you're gonna be having some good feelings here pretty soon.
ASHLY
36:03
Awesome. I love it so much. Well, thank you so much for your time, and I'm excited for everybody to hear this.
JASON
36:11
Thank you. I appreciate the opportunity.
