Portia shares her experience of growing up in a non-traditional home and coming back to the church after going through teen pregnancy, drugs, adoption, getting sober, and then eventually going to prison.
Portia is an incredible person who puts her heart into sharing her story to influence for good. She helps run the "Worldwide Unified" page on Facebook that has over 500k members. She shares her story with missionaries at the MTC, works with recovering addicts, and many others who are trying to find their way.
Her story is one you don't want to miss.
Transcript
Ashly Stone
00:15
Portia, I am so pumped to have you on my podcast; I can't wait to hear your story. You're obviously a big deal. You run the Worldwide Unified Facebook page, which is a page that gives so much light to people. And it's just an amazing page. And so yeah, I'm just I'm excited to hear your story of coming back to the church. And yeah, I just want to kind of open it up to you to share wherever you feel like you'd like to start.
Portia Louder
00:48
Thank you so much, Ashly, I appreciate you having me. And I found you because you had an amazing story. Your story was posted on The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints’s inspiration page. And then it came through also on Worldwide Unified and I'm an admin, I'm one of a bunch of admins, and I'm also a content writer. So I'm really not that big of a deal at all. I'm like a more of a criminal unit maybe.
Ashly Stone
01:14
You're a big deal. You're a big deal.
Portia Louder
01:17
Oh. But anyway, I'm super grateful to be here. I was raised as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I'm the oldest of seven children. And I actually grew up in Richfield, so like small town, Southern Utah. And even though I was baptized when I was eight, in our home, we didn't have a lot of structure or discipline. My mom and dad were like hippies before, it was a thing like way back. Which was cool. We were really creative. We would make plays and dig huts, and you know, things that are now seemed like amazing, but that's what we did for fun. The challenge was structure—like, no structure. So by the time I was 12, or 13, I really started getting into relationships, like that was my first thing. And I remember just feeling like, I didn't fit in the church. And it wasn't the church, it was just the structure of it, or it was an organization, and we were kind of anti-establishment. And it was just, the rules were hard. Truthfully, as I look back at it, I wish I would have known my worth. I wish my mom would have known her worth, because it's so hard to pass something on that you don't have yourself. And so my parents have struggled with their testimony and faith, and my mom's just really insecure. And she's amazing. Like, she's talented and amazing, but her own struggles, you know, like I've learned as a mother, get yourself right, get yourself right. You can't give anything to your kids, you don't have as much as you want to—because my mom loved us and wanted to give us things, but she just didn't have it herself. And so when I went inactive, you know, she had a lot of other little kids, and they just couldn't really deal with it. So I just quit going. And boys were a big problem for me. In high school, I partied a little bit but it wasn't like a big thing. Like nowadays, I feel like weed is everywhere. Back then it was like weed’s a big deal. Yeah. It’s different. And so I ended up pregnant by the time I was 17. And I really hadn't been going to church since I was 13, so. But I remember feeling like that is the right way to go. Like I someday I'm gonna get back there. It just seems so hard. I'm like, I don't fit in. Like, it wasn't that anyone made me feel like I didn't fit in. It was just like, that doesn't look fun. You know, what's fun is to party and, and do all the things I'm doing.
So I moved out at 17 with my little boy. I mean, I had him and was living in an apartment with other single moms, low income apartment, and always thinking, “Well, if I could just get into the right relationship, like if I could find someone else,” which they're always available. So I got into another relationship, got married, and that wasn't going so well.
About that time my parents moved to Sandy from the little town. And I remember when I got the first time they came up to visit us. Like I can get a job up here. Like there's a chance for me to get out of that town, you know, and so I moved up and started working, and then I found out I was pregnant again. So, I remember that at that point, just feeling really sad. I just remember feeling sad, like alone. And I actually went in and talk to the bishop. My parents were going to church there and and he told me, “Ya know, you might want to consider adoption.” and I mean, I was just too immature to understand how serious my situation was. And he was 100%, like, “Hey, you could get married, you can raise your son, there could be a future for you. But I think this is gonna make it harder.” And I would listen to what he had to say.
So I had my daughter, and a couple of things happened. I remember, right after I had her, my ex-husband showed up at the house. And he said, “Why don't you just come back? Why don't you come back to me? And, you know, I love your son, and this is my daughter, and we'll build a life together.” And we were sitting outside in the car talking. Walked in to my dad, and I said, “Dad, he wants to make it work. But I think I, I think if I do that, I'll never accomplish anything in my life. I don't think I'll ever, I think I have something important in my life to do.” And he goes, “No, I think you do too.” So I told him no. And then my dad blessed my baby.
And I remember sitting in the nursery and looking at all the other moms and thinking, “How do I get from here to there? I'm a single mom, my dad is blessing my child, and you guys are here nursing your babies, and you have husbands and you're doing the right thing,” but I just couldn't figure it out. It just seemed too hard for me, ya know?
After I had her, I got into another relationship, and I got pregnant again. So like, I am just tearing life up, you know. And when that happened, I was terrified. I just literally remember thinking; I can't bring another child into this world and do this to my children. I can't do it. I was mature enough to know at that point. And so I prayed. I prayed for the first time since I was a little girl, and I just asked Heavenly Father to help me. I certainly wasn't living the principles of the gospel, but I did feel a really strong warmth and strength that came over me. I knew that I needed to give the child up for adoption, that he was mine, that he was special, that he had a family. And I had the strength to do it. And I remember telling my mom, and my mom was like, “That would be too hard. I'll raise him.” And I said, “Mom, you didn't even raise me. I love you, but no. We gotta make the hard choice at this point.” And so I looked around and I found the right family. And the adoption was awesome. They were with me through it all. They were in the birthing room when I gave birth to him. I got to see them hold him for the first time. And then as soon as he was born, I just felt so empty.
They prescribed Percocet. And I had dabbled in Percocet, and you know, prescription drugs. But it was like, I was hooked. It was the only thing that was going to fill my emptiness. And I went from Percocet to meth. It was just, I just was hitting whatever I could to fill the emptiness. I remember feeling so, um, I was in bondage, like complete bondage. There was, I had promised myself 1000 times I wasn't going to use anymore. I felt horrible. I would get really, really high and I would feel so much anxiety. And then I would plan out how I was never going to use again. And it doesn't work. No matter how many promises I made to myself, I broke them all. I would have ceremonies where I would like go up into the mountains and bury the drugs and I'm never going to use it again. And then I'd be up there, you know, an hour later looking for the drugs.
Ashly Stone
08:31
Yeah, I could relate to that for sure.
Portia Louder
08:35
Right? Like, no, I'm done. Literally, I was powerless over the drug. I had been out all night one night and I came home late and my mom was watching my son at the time, he was about seven, maybe? Let's see seven. Yeah. And I had a daughter that was five. And he had been waiting by the window, crying for hours for me. And my mom just looked at me and said, “How could you do this to him? How could you do this to you?” She's like, “If this isn't enough for you, nothing ever will be.” And I went downstairs that night and I laid on the floor literally sobbing, and begged God just take it from me. “I will do anything. I will never get married again. I will never be in a relationship again. I don't need anything to make me happy. I just, I’ll live miserable the rest of my life.” I didn't know who I would be—active in the church, or what I would look like sober. I knew I just couldn't do that anymore.
I went across the street the next day and my bishop lived over there, and I didn't know him. I said please help me. You know, I need help. He was he was the best bishop because he was honest. I'm so grateful for honesty. He told me pretty quickly, he told me he thought I was really selfish and that I needed help. You know nowadays you get kicked out as a bishop, right? But it was like, I was so scared, I didn't trust my own thinking anymore. And he goes, “Portia, you have so much potential, but you're really selfish.” He’s like, “I want to help you but your addiction is so serious.”
So he introduced me to a friend that went to AA meetings. This was like 25 years ago. So I went to AA. And then he introduced me to the LDS Addiction Recovery program. And it was like three of us, and we had an older manual; it was just like old school, you know. And I remember the missionary. I said, You have no idea how much I've screwed up my life. Like, it's such a failure, there's no hope for me. And he said, “Portia, all of those problems, put them over here. And then he said, and here's what I promise you, I promise you with priesthood power and authority, that if you go to meetings, if you go to church, and you read your scriptures and you pray, your whole life will change. You won't be able to solve those problems, but God will.”
And I was so desperate for the whole life change that I did exactly what he said, and it was so hard. I dreamed about drugs I want, you know. It took nine months of praying, reading my scriptures, and feeling uncomfortable in church. And it was not anybody else—people were so kind. It was me, because I was so burdened and heavy and weighed down. And then I started working through the steps.
I told my bishop kind of what was going on, and that took a weight off me. I remember before I was gonna go in and tell the bishop, you know, like, lay it all out for him. Because I know a lot of people wonder, “Why do you have to confess your sins?” It's 100% for us, it's not for them. The bishop doesn't want to hear that, you know. But as soon as I did that, I felt so much freer and lighter. And I know, before I went in, every kind of lie went through my brain. Like, “Tell him that it was someone else's fault. Don't tell him that part. Keep the ugly stuff to yourself,” you know. And then when I went in, I just laid it all out. And he just looked at me and he goes, “I admire you so much.” You know, it was just such a loving, strengthening experience, empowering. As soon as I said those things out loud, they didn't have power over me anymore.
I just kept doing the right things. And at about nine months sober, I felt free. I was like, “Whoa, I feel joy. I feel free. Good things are happening.”
I met my husband and we went to the temple. He adopted my kids, life was going really good for us. And I wish I could tell you that it stayed right there, but I had another fall where I relapsed. But anyway, yeah, that was my experience coming back to the church. It's really where I built my testimony, because I knew that God was doing something for me that I absolutely couldn't do for myself. And my faith is firm in the 12 steps, and in our Savior, and in His ability to transform our lives.
Chad and I moved to American Fork, and we had a little home and I started a photography business of my own that was doing really well. And he was working and life was pretty good for us. In fact, I don't know about you, but when I went to the temple, it was like, earth shattering for me. Like, I remember looking at that temple thinking, “Oh, that's gonna be way too hard.” And I made it, and I was so grateful to have garments. I know a lot of people don't like them, love garments.
Ashly Stone
13:44
Oh, my gosh, I feel the same way. It's like, I worked my butt off to get to the point where I can wear garments. If it's 110 degrees outside, I'm still wearing my garments, because that was so hard to be able to get there. So, I'm right there with you.
Portia Louder
14:03
Yeah, I went to Lake l a couple of weeks after I was endowed and I was the girl out there in my garments. Everybody else is in tank tops and they’re like, “You don't have to wear them all the time.” I’m like, “Oh yeah they aren’t coming off.”
Ashly Stone
14:14
Oh, yeah. Right. Right. They’re your protection, you know, so.
Portia Louder
14:19
Yeah, yeah. So I stayed on that path. And then my business got busy, and I quit going to meetings. And I really quit doing a lot of the things that I needed to do for myself. And I had a back surgery after I had our first son together, and I relapsed. I mean, in my mind, it wasn't a relapse, you know? Because they were prescribed, but it totally was, and I didn't get honest. I was so involved in the 12 step program, and I was way too embarrassed, to be honest. It's just so dumb. Like why would I think it's all for you? It's not for them. You know, I should have just openly admitted what was going on, but I didn't, and I really struggled. I fought it. And then I got pregnant again.
We were building a house. So, it wasn't like, as you know, it wasn't using all the time. But after I had her, it got worse. And then I got involved in real estate. And, and I totally remember, my life is completely chaotic. I'm way too busy with my company. And my mind is like, what, yeah, get involved in real estate, that'll help solve the problem—and totally the worst thing I could do.
In my heart, and my spirit knew it, I could feel it. I just went for it anyway, and I used more drugs. Eventually, I remember somebody presenting this equity deal where you buy a house and you pull the equity out, and oh, I would never do that. Six months later, that's all I'm doing. It’s just how it works for me. I'm not just a drug addict, I'm a hustle addict. My integrity was not healthy. All these things that I struggled with, it became very clear to me, when I ended up going to prison. I got a chance to really take the time to do a more thorough inventory, and really humble myself. I remember when the FBI showed up, and I wanted to say, “Please, you can't, I can't go to prison. I just can't because you don't know how hard I worked to get what I have, and it's gonna all be gone.” You know, “I can't.”
We were talking before the show, and it was like a death. And I'm grateful for that. Because in a way, it was like, I did not care anymore what anyone thought, because when you reach that level of a low, it’s like, you know, I remember getting on my knees early on in my sentence where I was so devastated, so broken, and saying to God, “I feel like I am a nobody to anyone. I have failed. So bad. I am in the deepest hole. And I just need to know who I am to You,” you know. And I felt this incredible amount of love. So much love. I never knew how loved we are. Even through all of it, I knew that God had the power to change my life. And I knew that He loved me. But I didn't know He know He loves me like that, more than any man could ever love a woman. And then I was like, “Why did I ever need anyone outside of this? This is everything.” And I felt this strong impression that I had an important purpose on this earth. And I felt that in a prison cell, I had to detox. I was at my lowest. And at my very lowest, I felt our Heavenly Father's love more than I ever have. And I knew that my time in prison was important. The only thing I could do was become the best version of myself. That was all I could do, you know. And it didn't just change me. I think it changed the way I saw everybody else because I was like, “Oh my goodness, that's how loved we are? Then every single one of my sisters in here are so incredibly valuable to Him.”
The whole concern about what people thought of me, “Well, I'm a felon,” and that’s irrelevant when you know how loved you are, you know? So yeah, it was super painful to be separated from my family. I would never undo it because I built a relationship with our Heavenly Father and our Savior and a love for others that I had never experienced, and my whole worldview changed, and so I was there for four and a half years.
Ashly Stone
Wow.
Portia Louder
18:59
It's a long time. It took me two years to just admit that I wasn't gonna get out early. I wanted to see if the dial like any day, somebody's gonna let me know because I'm such a great person. But when I finally took a really good inventory. So I did like a spreadsheet inventory. And it took me six months. I rewrote my whole life. I'm like, let's get so honest with myself, you know, and it was like starting at the age of four. Any dishonesty any … and then I took the group of women down to the rec yard and I was like, okay, so I need to share this with you guys. And I like said it out loud. And then I buried it in the rec yard it was like a ceremony. I was like I am going home free. I am going to go home free. And my soul just opened up after that. I started dreaming about a life that I have now. Like, a future where I could recover with my children and we could just live such a meaningful life. I don't make much money, but I live a really meaningful life, and have a lot of joy. And so, I had to accept my life would never look the same. And that was okay. Whereas before, I was trying to get back to where I was, and now it's like, Heavenly Father has a way better plan for me than I have for myself.
Ashly Stone
20:26
So how long has it been since you got out of prison?
Portia Louder
20:30
It's been three years, just like this month. Three years this month. My first year was so weird, you know, to come back. I was the only member for three years at one compound. And so, like I fasted every week, because otherwise I was a wreck. I really needed like, it’s like when you're just seeking. I’d get the Ensign, it was like, like gold to me. I mean, I read every article over and over, it was like I was holding on. I still have my scriptures right here, my hardcover, my prison scriptures. And I had those scriptures, like I slept with them the first two years. But I would get up early and I would study, study, study, and pray. Oh, I sit outside under a tree and I prayed for like, six solid months. Because my heart and soul was so broke, you know, I needed to, I just begged God to care for my kids, and forgive me, and because it just took a while to see my way out of where I was. But I felt so connected to God through all of it. I just felt so loved and connected, but so sad and broken. And it just, it took what it took. But I knew. I had been writing when I was in prison. I was writing on a blog and just sharing some of my experiences. And then I got home and I went back to taking pictures as a photographer, and I didn't find the same meaning in it. And so, I went to work at a treatment center. And I loved that, because I could share all my prison stories with the girls. I mean, it was just, they made me a t-shirt: “You’re the baddest prison beotch ever!” It was so cute. And in prison, I did treatments, and I was kind of a leader in the treatment program. So I was like, loving that I could do that when I got out. And then I was working one graveyard shift a week. And I started writing a book. Well as I'm jumping around here.
So, at the end of my sentence, they told me I was coming home on May 9th, and then they called me in May 7th and said, We're going to keep you three more months. It was so devastating.
Ashly Stone
I can imagine.
Portia Louder
Yeah, because I'd served so much time and my son was graduating at the end of May. I missed his high school years. I thought I was gonna throw up and pass out when they told me. I was like, “Please don't do this, please,” because I know how it goes in prison. And she's like, well, it's just the way it's working out with probation, everything. There was just nothing that I could do. And every morning I would go to the chapel, and I would just cry and say, “Heavenly Father, I did everything You asked, You can fix this.”
And then that weekend we had volunteers, this was at a different prison, so, we had volunteers that came in and they gave me a blessing. And I remember him saying, Portia, your Heavenly Father knows how strong you are and what you've been through. And He wants to give you so much more than three more months of freedom. Your Heavenly Father has plans for you. And I had been praying, praying, praying that I would not forget my experiences, because I loved these women. And I loved the experiences I had. And I felt like, I don't want to forget who I became here, you know, and he said, “and your Heavenly Father and you won't forget your experiences, and you'll be able to share them and you'll share them with the youth of the church.” So I felt a lot of peace.
And I called my husband. I said, Hey, here's the deal. I know it's hard, but we can do this. Because Heavenly Father's in it with us. I didn't think I could write a book because that's scary. Like that's a big project. But all the sudden, I knew exactly how to do it. And I had all these blog posts, so I was able to organize my content. And I started writing, and I found editors, and I just put it together. And then I started getting phone calls to share my experiences. I like to say, “Now I need to go to the MTC,” which is sharing with the youth, and my life is beautiful.
Ashly Stone
That’s awesome
Portia Louder
But you know, you just have to walk through the hard stuff with faith, and it’s you're paid back so many times.
Ashy Stone
24:41
That is so awesome. So how did it feel when you went back to church for the first time and you're like, “Hey, just got out of prison. Hi everyone.” What does that feel like? Did you feel like people were judging you or did you feel welcomed? What was that like?
Portia Louder
25:03
Well, no, I didn't feel like anyone judged me. But I totally just got up and bore my testimony and thanked everybody for supporting my family. I just assumed everyone was cheering me on. I just believed that and they did. When I went to The Other Side Academy in Salt Lake a while ago, and I said, you know, “The world is cheering you on,” right? Like, “I'm cheering you on.” They're looking at me. One guy goes, “No, they're not cheering us on.” Yes, they are. I see, you just don't, they don't even know it yet. I said, “Just keep fighting. Because everyone wants us to succeed.” And I really felt that way. I would tell the girls in prison, “The world is cheering us on. Our communities are cheering us. We can't let people down, you know.”
So when I got home, I just was embraced. I was asked to speak in stake conference, the, the ward was great. The only challenge for me was the lack of diversity, because I was used to living in a prison with Muslims and this and that. And when we did go to church, it was in our sweats, because we're in prison. So I was just like, “Wait, everyone's dressed the same and, the culture is a little challenging in Utah sometimes, but I was so but I feel so loved. And here's the thing about, about living in Utah— I mean, there's pros and cons to Utah. But man, when I got into prison, all of a sudden, I realized, like, holy crap, what we have is so valuable. Like our temple covenants are so valuable. We are endowed with power and protection from our Heavenly Father, and people notice. And when you get out of Utah, you notice, because you just lived here around it. But people would come to me and say, “Hey, will you come pray with my roommate?” They just noticed, you know, they just noticed. And it's like, I had these amazing experiences and I know that it was because I was endowed. You know, I just felt even though I had made some big mistakes. I was even able to take my garments to prison.
Ashly Stone:
Really? That is awesome.
Portia Louder
Like I wasn’t ex-communicated. My bishop and stake president worked with me through the whole process. So, I was just really open about it. And the response was amazing. So, for I know, there's people that haven't had that response. But for me, it was just, I was so loved and embraced by the members of the church.
Ashly Stone
27:25
I love that. I love to ask that question on the podcast, because I have found similar responses from everybody that I've asked. And also, I had the same experience myself, when I came back. It was, you know, I felt welcomed. And I love what you said that you felt like they were cheering you on the whole time. And I had a very similar experience. I think it's so important for us to highlight that for people that might be either considering coming back, or they don't want to feel judged because of the way they are, for whatever reason. Because I do feel that that's a pretty common experience to have is feeling welcomed when you come back, and loved and supported. So thank you for sharing that. I love it.
Portia Louder
28:16
I have a friend who I met in prison, and she is just a beautiful, amazing person. And I knew it right away. She was Christian. I, you know, a member of the church, but we were roommates, and she would pray every night, we’d pray together. And she went to the Christian service. I was in Minnesota at the time. And there's a lot of Christians in that area, but not LDS, right? And so when she got out of prison, I mean, I just loved her. She was raised so poor, she had the hardest experiences, and she was humble and kind and good. And I thought, I have a lot to learn from her. I'm gonna try to convert her like, I need to learn what she has to teach me. And she got home from prison, and she wrote me an email. She said, “Guess what. I'm going to college and I started working at this care center for the elderly, and I met a woman and I just love her. She's like my best friend, and she's a member of your church. And she told me she can't die until I get baptized.”
Ashly Stone
Wow! Wow!
Portia Louder
Her husband died like 20 years ago, she's had a stroke. And she said, “She's been waiting for me.” And I said, “Oh my gosh, Christina,” you know, I was so excited. And so then she was going to just NA addiction meetings on just and an older man named Woody, he's like 65. He came up to her and said, “I want to know what church you go to because you're so lit up.” And she said, “Well, I'm talking to these missionaries.” So he was, “I want to talk to them.” So both of them got baptized.
Ashly Stone
29:53
Oh my gosh. I literally just got the goosebumps all over. That is, it so amazing!
Portia Louder
29:59
It has been the most beautiful experience. I flew back there and I sat there with all of them and with Cecile. And Cecile and I were both crying. And she goes, she’s such a good person. I said, “Cecile, I feel so much joy,” you know. And so they got baptized, Cecile passed away, not long after that. And broke poor Christina’s heart. But, she knew, she's like, she's going to be with her husband, you know. And then recently, I got to go back for her to be endowed in the temple. We sat there in the celestial room, and she looks at me too the Portia, we met in prison and today, we're in our Heavenly Father's highest kingdom of glory on the earth. And I felt joy like I’ve never felt. Just so much joy, and so much purpose, and all of these experiences. And she is an amazing force for good because of her experience, because she's an addict, because she's lost family members to addiction and suicide, and all of that. The people in her ward, have not just embraced her, but they have looked to her for guidance and how they can support other people. Her, one of the, well, first of all, the session was packed.
The whole ward came. So cute! But little temple matron comes up, and she goes, “Who's all with her?” And I said, “Everybody. We're all here for her.” She goes, who should I …” I said, “We're all her escorts. I don’t know what to tell you,” you know. And then the little gal that was sitting next to me, she goes, “She's such a giant and spiritual giant. She's teaching us all so much, you know. And to me, like, that has been my experience, my ward just supports me. And they'll like, if I bear my testimony, they're like, “Oh, I just love it when you share.” And I talk about going to prison and my addiction and giving my son up for adoption, all of that, I just share it. And people seem so open to it. So, my experience is, the gospel needs us. When we come back, we are a force for good. And they see that and they want, because they're just they've got kids that are out there. They've got family that are out there. They, we give them hope, you know?
Ashly Stone
32:02
Um, yes, I love that so much. So I have a couple questions for you that were submitted by some folks following my Instagram account. And so I just want to ask these questions and hear your response. What advice do you have for people that are unsure if the church is true?
Portia Louder
32:29
Yeah, you know, that's tough, because I was at such a low point that I didn't trust my own thinking at all. So, when I came back to the church, it was just like, I'm desperate. And I'll listen to other people. I don't know what it would have been like, had I not been at such a low. And I think because God changed my life, like, I never questioned it. Um, even when I went through, I remember a gal telling me when I first went to prison, she said, “Oh, my gosh, aren’t you angry at God?” And I said, “God's my only hope. Like how can I be angry? If He doesn’t love me or He’s not with me, I’m done for, you know? I’m nothing.” All I know, is that my feeling, like, I can't deny the power in my life. I can't deny that power. And so like, if you're questioning the church, I think, and you don't know that it's true, it's like what Alma says in the scriptures. And I'm not a Book of Mormon thumper. I'm just not. I mean, I read my scriptures all the time. But what Alma says is he's like, just try it, you know. Try to see if it doesn't, try the experiment on, and as you do those simple things that they told me a long time ago—like, I read a chapter every day in the scriptures, and I and I pray, and I guess just find what makes you feel good.
I know the other thing that's been so powerful for me is to truly, in a very humble way, reach out in prayer and ask Heavenly Father who I am to Him. And I felt myself kneeling before the Savior, and my perception of who I am changed, my worth changed, my value. And if you can understand who you are to Him, then everything else falls away. It's like, I have so much worth. I don't need drugs. I don't need men. I don't need the world. What they think of me is irrelevant, because I know who I am. And so, if you can just get to that place where you reach out and I don't care what religion you are, your God loves you. He loves you and He'll guide you there. Like Christina, she said, you know, I've talked to her and she's like, “I was not ready for the church when you and I were roommates but you loved me so much and I knew you did.” And she said, “But when the time came, it was right there for me.” So, reach out to your Father in Heaven, He loves you, wherever you are. And my lowest moments have been the most powerful spiritual experiences that I've had.
Ashly Stone
35:19
Yep, I agree. And I, that little part about the experimenting, that was exactly what I did. When I came back. I was like, I have no idea if this church is going to help me change for my drug addiction, and if it's going to help me on the right path, but I have nothing to lose. I've already lost everything. I'm living in my parents’ house with nothing. I'm just going to experiment, and if it works, awesome. And if it doesn't, then I'll go back to my old ways. But my experiment proved that, you know, wow, the Savior's atoning sacrifice is for me. My heart is changed. My life has changed. I've been blessed, so much more than I deserve. And so yeah, I just wanted to reiterate the experiment because yes, I love that answer.
Okay, so question number two. Let’s go with, what was the turning point that made you return? So, you know, you're struggling with your, all of this stuff, your addiction and everything. You mentioned earlier on in your story that it wasn't fun to go to church, it wasn't the cool thing. You're partying with your friends, and what was it that kind of made you go to the church and not maybe other places, where you could have felt a part of?
Portia Louder
37:01
Yeah, so I think, I was at the lowest low as an addict when I came back to the church, so I was desperate. Once God literally did for me something I couldn't do for myself when my life changed. Like we're talking night and day for what my life was to what it became. I had confidence. I got married. I went to the temple. I was being a good mom. I remember that exact day when I was on a field trip with my kid and I wanted to scream to all the other moms, “I’M DOING IT!” You don't know. I got pregnant when I was 17, I was a failure. I’m a Mom, and I'm a good mom right here right now. It was such a big deal. Only God could do that for me, because I was a mess. So I was converted, and I never doubted that—not when I found out it was going to prison. Not even when I went off the rails from relapse. I always knew God was the answer. I just blew it, you know, and you just sometimes blow it. And that's what it is. I knew better and I did it anyway. And I knew the whole time I was using. I'm like, “I am so screwed. I have to stop, I have to change.” But always deep down, I knew the church was true. I don't know. Like, I just, I'm like, I couldn't live, it was hard.
I remember thinking it just doesn't work for me, that's too hard. Like there's just something different with me and those people that can show up and do it because that doesn't look fun, right? But then I felt that power in my life that came.
First I just had to start doing it even though I didn't want to. That's the desperation, right? Like, the experiment where you try some things you haven't tried before. Me, I'm stubborn. I had to get beat down. You know, I hope, I mean, man do I hope nobody else has to get that far down. If you can find it without that, that's amazing. But I guess I was always looking for something outside of myself to bring joy, excitement, happiness, and nothing compares to that internal peace, love confidence.
I didn't know, I don't know why I didn't know, but I didn't know that's why people could go to the church and show up and do it, because they felt peace inside them. You know? So the more I look for a different drug or a different party or a different man, it got me nowhere, but as soon as I stopped and let God help me find myself, the world opened up and my view changed. My confidence changed. So it just took me getting beat down.
Sometimes I look around and I think what we have is so flippin’ special, like it's special. You get outside of Utah, or you know, when I go even into AA meetings, (I still go to AA meetings and stuff and I love AA), I love the 12 steps, but like it's a whole new level of special. When I share my experiences in church that I am an addict and everything else, and when I go to AA, I share my love of the gospel of Jesus Christ. And everybody embraces me in both places. And I think it's just because I'm super comfortable with me. I'm like, I already died once, I lost everything. So, what do I have to lose to just be super authentic, but I also don't judge anyone. I'm so grateful for every step of the journey. I'm like, how cool that you're in AA right now. And you're not using today. I do not care what church you're going to because we're always here. And when you want more power in your life, the temple’s right there, you know? And so yeah, it just took me getting beat up. But I hope it doesn't take everyone that.
Ashly Stone
40:41
Well, I love your story of like, we don't have to be perfect to go to church. We can go to church and experience the cool parts of faith and a relationship with God and our Savior. And we can have that. And we can, even if we're using, especially if we're using drugs, or if we're drinking coffee, or if we're smoking cigarettes, or whatever. And I think I heard you say, correct me if I'm wrong, that some of the lowest points of your life, it's like, those were some of the times that were spiritual times for you, where you were in prison, but your relationship with God is so strong, but you're in prison. That's, that's a low place.
Portia Louder
41:37
I say, now, I am tired of climbing out of deep holes. I know God will never get tired of me, but I'm tired of me. I’m tired. I mean, I'm 50 years old. So I'm like, I don’t have the energy. I'm seven and a half years sober. I think you're probably more than that sober. But for me, relapse seems like death to me. Because I know now, like, it's the only thing that can take me out. I have this light and joy and beauty of my life. And drugs are like the one thing. I injured my leg really bad when I got home, like to the point where the ambulance had to show up. I tore my hamstring off my bone and, and I was like, “I'm an addict, and I'm sober.”
Ashly Stone
42:20
I relate to that so much. Like having my babies I'm like, “Do not give me pills. Don’t give me pills. I’m an addict,” like first thing, to the doctor.
Portia Louder
42:28
I got surgery and was like, “Don't give me anything.” And then I came home and I was like in totally agony. He said one and a half pills. One and a half, and I'll just take that and I’ll be fine, no more ya know. I’m just so scared of them.
Ashly Stone
42:40
Yes. Well, and it's for good reason. And I think another thing for me, and I'm sure it's probably similar to you, but it's like, once you've had such an experience of your whole life changing like that, it's like, you hold on to the gospel, because it's like the contrast between life before and life after. It's such a bright light in the after. And I treasure that. I will never take it for granted because I've been in the lowest of lows.
Portia Louder
43:17
Yeah. You know what, though? I think other members love that. Like the people. I was in the temple yesterday, and this woman came up to me and she goes, “Can I just give you a hug?” I'm like, “Sure.” She's like, are you Portia? I go, “Yeah,” you know. And she's like, “Oh, my gosh. I love your story. I love where you've been.” She goes, “I've always been an active member. I always knew I wanted to go to the temple. But when I hear you, there's just so much power in that.” Like, “You're the Atonement—you represent that to me.” And I was like, “Jeez thanks,” you know? How cool is that? I have been nothing but celebrated as a person that's come back and failed and come back. It’s never over for us. We are always so loved and welcomed back.
Ashly Stone
44:00
Yeah, for sure. So, tell me a little bit about life today. What are you doing? You don't work photography, it sounds like …
Portia Louder
44:10
No. Well, I have six children total. Since I got home, the son that I gave up for adoption, we've reconnected; his mother's amazing. His family has been so supportive of me. That’s the kind of things that happen when you like, come back, right? That's the beauty of life. Like all these good things come in your life.
Ashly Stone
44:30
Like it just keeps getting better. And like we can handle the hard.
Portia Louder
44:34
Yeah, you’re just blown away because you spent so many years just feeling the doom of what comes next. And then all of a sudden you're like, wow, like things good things do show up. You know? So that's been really special. I have four grandkids.
Ashly Stone
44:50
What? OK, I know this is a podcast so people won't be able to see you, but you look like you're 35, and you did not look like you could have grandkids. Just sayin’.
Portia Louder
45:01
That's nice. Yeah, no. So while I did start at 17, I have a 33 year old son.
Ashly Stone
45:07
Okay, well, yeah, yes, but still 35, I'm sticking with that.
Portia Louder
45:12
Ah, you’re amazing. So, I love that. Today my daughter called. It's so cool to be in a place in my life where my daughter can call to say, “Hey, Mom, can you come help for a few hours with the baby?” and I get to run over. And he loves me. They trust me, I show up in their lives. I do a lot of speaking, and people ask me to come talk at a fireside, or I get to go to the MTC and speak. And I work at a therapy office a couple days a week as a mentor. And then I work at a treatment center one day. I go into foster care facility occasionally and teach empowerment skills. I do everything I love, everything I love, and I make no money. And I'm kind of stuck on that because money was such a thing for me before, and now, I am like, I'm going to die poor, like we all are going to be laying there with nothing. Yeah. And once I got to prison, I was like, there wasn't one ounce of money that I missed. I didn't miss good food. I didn't miss my towels. I just missed my kids. That was it. A I was working to make more money so I could spend time with my kids, and I had my kids the whole time. I gave my kids up for money. And it changed things for me. So, I'm really careful about everything I do, and not getting involved in any kind of a hustle. And um, I just do the things I love. So yeah.
Ashly Stone
46:33
That's so beautiful and amazing. I'm like honored to hear your story and have you on my podcast. You are doing such amazing things. And I think that just when you were telling me that just barely, it's like you're doing the type of things the Savior would be doing if he was here today, like helping, and with the foster kids, and with the addicts. And I think that's something that is so important for us to remember: where would the Savior be? He would be with the people that are struggling and having a hard time and we need to be His hands here. And you know, if you have somebody in your ward or your neighborhood or whatever that's struggling with who-knows-what, it's like we need to be His hands and help. It's just so much more meaningful than anything else that we could do. So any other imparting words for us? Give us a final like…
Portia Louder
47:40
I think the only thing I would say is just—and I'm sure you would agree, never give up. Don't give up on yourself. Don't give up on your kids. Don't give up on your parents. Don't give up on God. Because I would have never thought 10 years ago or 20 years ago that my life would be so beautiful. That my whole perspective would be different. That I would feel the level of joy and confidence I have in my life. Please don't quit. You always have a chance. I was at such a low, you know my addiction really, both times I hit a low that was extreme and intense, and God was with me. And there was a path out for me. And it takes time. It's not like a short game. It's a long game. Eternity is a forever game.
And you are loved you are valued and there is a purpose in all of your pain too. So, you know it hurts me when I hear, you probably too, when your family members that have family, kiddos or people that are addicts, and I'm like I'm so sorry you're going through that I have put people through that. You know, take care of you, get yourself on strong solid ground. Don't lose yourself in their addiction. Because you know, I know, even I've got kids now that, you know, I've got a son that likes to drink. They're going through their own things. Some of them are active. Some of them aren’t, and I look at it and say they need me to be my firmest, most close-to-the-Savior self. They need me to be their guide and their strength. They need me to love them, see past that, and believe in them. But I can't do that if I don't have that connection to our Heavenly Father. And so I think as loved ones or people that are dealing with family, just know, keep your connection. So for whatever you have to do, and the rest of it might take time, but there's always hope in Jesus Christ.
Ashly Stone
49:27
That is so beautiful. I love that so much. Well thank you so much for taking the time with me, and you are just beautiful and amazing and I am just I'm so grateful to know you and to just …
Portia Louder
49:39
I feel the same way. I, on Worldwide Unified, I was talking to the other guy that is an admin and he's like, “We have to get her on.” You know we love your story and you everyone loves your story. You have this beautiful light and mission on the earth. And I love that, and I love that we're sharing it together. So, thank you. We will be in touch.
Ashly Stone
50:02
Thank you so much.
