CONTENT WARNING: This episode contains sensitive content that may be triggering or offensive to some audiences. Parental discretion is advised.
"Learn to give what you can and stick with it. There are going to be dark valleys but there is light and hope on the other side of them. We're going to have to do some work but balance that with compassion. Move forward and go back to the things that you know, that is why we are counseled to write things down."
Come Back Podcast
Transcription
ASHLY
00:14
All right, so excited to have you on the podcast. I'm so glad that you emailed me your story. So yeah, why don't you go ahead and tell us a little bit about you? And I'd love to hear maybe what you do for work, or just a little bit about your family. And then we'll jump into your story.
ANONYMOUS
00:32
Thank you for having me. A bit about me: so I actually grew up not far from Utah. I really love being outside. I did a lot of that when I was a kid. I'm married, and I have a little boy, he's 19 months, this week. And I'm home with him. And then on weekends, I actually work as a master esthetician. And that's really fun for me, so I enjoy that. And when I'm not at work, I like to be out in my yard, and just being with my family.
ASHLY
01:03
Love it. All right, well, cool. Yeah. Why don't we go ahead and jump into your story?
ANONYMOUS
01:09
I grew up in the church, I grew up in a really small community. That was my life pretty much, was the church, like my friends, most everyone was members. And, you know, even people in my community who weren't members, they were just really good people. I felt like I had a really happy childhood. I always felt like I had a really healthy relationship with gospel principles and the gospel. I feel like it was something my parents really tried to teach in our home. And I went off to college, decided I wanted to serve a mission. And I was about six months home from my mission, and I feel like when I came home, I was kind of struggling to adjust a little bit.
ASHLY
01:52
I know a lot of people do, when they get home from their mission. It's like, you're in a structured environment …
ANONYMOUS
01:58
Yeah, and then not.
ASHLY
Yeah. Right.
ANONYMOUS
Yeah. And I think I thought when I was coming home, I felt like a lot of people who have served can say this, but you change so much, in a really great way. You learn so much about yourself and about the Savior. And so you change. And so you know, you're going to come home, and you're not going to be the same person, but you kind of think you're coming home to something familiar. And for me, when I came back, it just wasn't very familiar. I thought I could jump right back into college, I thought I was gonna jump right back into social dynamics fairly well. And it ended up being harder for me than I thought. So I was enrolled in classes. I had a calling, I was in Institute. I was actually living with some former mission companions that I got along really well with, and I was dating. I made a friend through this mutual acquaintance from my childhood. And she had mentioned like, she had a brother coming up the next semester for school. And she's like, I want to set you up with him. And I was pretty social, pretty outgoing. And I like to have a good time. And so I was like, “Yeah, I think that sounds great.” So we started talking, before we actually met in person. So I just started talking to him through texts and phone calls. It seemed pretty normal. I was really excited to get to meet him. And then when I met him in person,
03:27
it just was not the same. He wasn't really kind of how he portrayed himself. And at the time, I don't think I thought I was in a very serious situation. I thought, “Okay, this kid's just not very polite, maybe we have a little bit of different personalities, and just different views on things.” So I was a little uncomfortable. And I had the feeling like, “You know, I don't know if I really want to see him again.” And a week later, he moved up for school. He invited me on a date, but this time we were with a bunch of our friends, my friends, so people I knew, and I kind of blew off that impression. And I thought, “I have control of the situation. I'm okay to do this. I'm with a bunch of people I know. What can happen?” You know, we were at a friend's house and we just had dinner. And we were all sitting there watching a movie, and in a room full of people without anyone knowing, this young man just started trying to touch me inappropriately. I had no idea how to react. I would move his hand away. And he put it back, and I remember I just kind of kind of started staring off. I think I found something on the wall. And the whole time I just started going into fight or flight. And I had the feeling of, you know, “I need to go. I need to go back to my apartment, I need to tell my roommates, I need to tell someone,” but every time that came up, I got more afraid. And I was like, “I can't tell anyone.” And I wanted to just kind of handle the situation by myself. And it really took me by surprise. And so I kind of went into a survival mode. I kind of wanted people to think everything was fine. So I kind of tried to solve it on my own. And that doesn't really work
ASHLY
Yeah.
ANONYMOUS
with people who gaslight, and are abusive. And so that's kind of where it started. The duration of the rest of the time, it was about four months, four to five months. And our largest argument had to do with the law of chastity, and boundaries and consent. And I thought I was hiding it pretty well. But the people around me, they could tell. I was pretty emotional. And they could tell that I'd been crying and we'd been fighting, and people knew I was totally out of character. So that's kind of where it started.
ASHLY
05:56
So during this time, you're fresh home from your mission, and you're really like, dealing with all of this stuff going on. Were you turning to Jesus Christ during this time? Or do you feel like it was making you feel more withdrawn?
ANONYMOUS
06:12
While I was struggling, I feel like I was still seeking out the Lord's help through that. But when this started happening in my dating situation, I think it plummeted really fast. I started to feel super forsaken. And I feel like guilt and shame really set in quickly for me. I think I felt very separated from the Spirit, and any kind of help or love. And I guess you bring up a good point. I think instead of humbling myself, which I know sounds really crazy to say, because I was in an abusive situation. But the thing I learned is that the Lord will help us, but we have to be willing to ask for it. And I think I was like, “No, I'm embarrassed. I don't want anyone to know. So I'm gonna just try to break up with him. I'm gonna try to deal with it on my own.” Eventually, when it all ended, I was like, “Wow, why didn't I just have that courage in the beginning to go home to my roommates or go to …?” I had my mission president living right there, too. And when I would visit him often I'm like, “Why didn't I go to his house or to my bishop?” You know?
ASHLY
Mmhmm.
ANONYMOUS
Or my parents? And I think that was really hard. Because that relationship between children and parents can be a little awkward when it comes to those kind of things.
ASHLY
07:40
Yeah. Some people it's not, but if I was talking to my parents about that, I’d probably feel awkward. We talk about a lot of things, but like, I totally get what you're saying for sure.
ANONYMOUS
Yeah, I think I was just afraid. And I think I was afraid of judgment. I thought it was such a great idea. And I don't think I was humble enough to realize like, “Okay, you should have followed the prompting, not gone.” Like I thought I was counseling the Spirit, “If I'm with a ton of people that I know, there's no way.”
ASHLY
08:10
Right. Yep. For sure. So then what happened after that?
ANONYMOUS
It went through kind of a vicious cycle of just like gaslighting, and like we would fight. And then he would say, you know, that he was going to fix things, that he understood me. And he really didn't. And none of that was happening. But we'd only been dating like three weeks, he wanted me to go home with him to meet his family. And I was like, “I just don't really want to do that. I don't see us going anywhere. And I don't think it's fair.” And so we had a huge argument about that. I ended up going and I got so sick at that point. That's when I really started to physically, I just was not there. Mentally, I just kind of would numb out. So the whole drive up. We got up to his family’s, and he proposes to me in front of his whole family. I'm six hours from anyone I know. And we had just had an argument about how I didn't want to be with him. And he didn't really seem to care. It didn't matter to him that I liked him or not. It was all just like a control thing. And so, again, I was really embarrassed. I was with a bunch of people I didn't know, and I didn't feel safe. And so I said yes. In front of all these people.
ASHLY
09:24
That’s a really hard situation to be in.
ANONYMOUS
Yeah. And we came back and I did not want to wedding plan. And so we would fight a lot. Again, like it was always about the law of chastity. It was about boundaries. We could fight about that a lot. And then it started getting worse. So I couldn't talk to family–like I'd be on the phone and he would be right there. He monitored everything. So then again, I didn't feel like I could tell people. I don't feel like I had that chance. And so unless he was in class or I was at work, I really had no outlet, really. We never spent time at my apartment. He didn't like going to my ward. And he did not like my mission president. Pretty much anyone that was like priesthood authority.
ASHLY
10:11
Was he active in the church?
ANONYMOUS
10:14
Yeah, so we would go to church together on Sunday. He started working a temple shift on Fridays, while this was all happening. And that's where things kind of spiraled, too. I would try to reason with him, why what he was doing was not in line with what he should have been doing. And then I felt extreme guilt myself, right? So I think that's kind of where some of the trauma about the temple came into play. There was once that we went together, and it was just such a horrible experience, because I knew he shouldn't have been there. And I was feeling
ASHLY
Yeah.
ANONYMOUS
horrible about being there. But I think it can cause some kind of unhealthy, I guess, thoughts and relationships with the temple with certain ordinances and things like that.
ASHLY
So how did you like … Obviously, this was a huge challenge for you, where you're struggling with the temple, and you're in this situation, and you feel trapped. So like, what happened after that?
ANONYMOUS
11:18
So I actually left. I drove all the way home. I left while he was in class, because we would just, we would fight and fight and he would monitor me. So I never felt like I could just leave. So he was in class, and I left. And he kept trying to call like, looking back, I was not very rational. I was very emotional all the time. And my parents said, you know, they're like, “You didn't make much sense. You were just hysterical.” And I didn't really want to talk to them. But I called my bishop and I said, “I really want to talk to you.” I was like, “Some of this stuff has been happening. And I've participated. But I'm feeling pressured, and I want to come in and talk to you.” I call off the wedding. And he really wants to put it back on. And I said, “Well, I want to meet with my bishop.” And he says, “Well, let me go with you.” And I really didn't want him to, I felt like he really wanted to control the entire situation. And so we go in to meet with the bishop. And my bishop was shocked that he was there. And we sat down. And immediately he tried to just dictate the conversation. And thankfully, I had a very in tune bishop. And he just stopped him. And he said, “I really want to just visit with [her], and I'm going to have you step out.” And so he talked to me for a minute. And, you know, I don't remember much about the conversation other than he just looked at me and he says, “I feel like you are fully repentant. I think you need to heal.” He invited him back in and he just said, “Look, she needs to heal, you need to respect her. I think this is good for you guys to step back and reconsider this. Either way, whatever happens, you know, the Lord has a plan for both of you.” And I left feeling so much peace, I was relieved. I was feeling a lot more in control of my life. And he was so unhappy. He did not like any of it. He was really pushy. And so it kind of just went back into that cycle.
13:22
And we called the wedding back on. And this whole time my mom, I mean, it was such a hard thing for my mom to watch, and my dad.
ASHLY
I imagine.
ANONYMOUS
I think they wished that I would have just opened up to them. Like my mom wanted to just come get me. She's like, “There's so many times we just wanted to drive up and come get you.” And I think on her end, too, she said that she really felt that it had to be my choice.
ASHLY
Yeah.
ANONYMOUS
So then it came up to the wedding day. And I was a hysterical mess. It's like, I wasn't eating, I wasn't sleeping. I wasn't showering. I didn't trust my thoughts. I didn't trust him. And I didn't trust what anyone else had to say either.
ASHLY
Mmhmm.
ANONYMOUS
Like people would kind of try to step in, and I just really struggled with that. So the day before, he was calling me like every few hours, and I’d just be crying, and I'm like, “I really don't want to do this.” I felt so sick. I was like, “I'm gonna pass out. There's no way I can make it into the temple.”
ASHLY
Yeah.
ANONYMOUS
And my sister called. And I was just crying, and I was telling her I didn't want to do it. And she's just like, “Look, you need to hang up right now. And you need to say a prayer, and you need to act on that prayer.” And I was so frustrated at that response. Because this whole time I would pray. But my prayer was very like, “Take this from me,” like, “Send somebody to come get me,” because I was just so scared. So I was very much so a victim. And again later I learned you have to take control even when you're afraid. As I hung up, and was praying, my mom calls, and I just was sobbing and she goes, “I don't want you driving.” I had just gone to pick up the wedding dress and she goes, “I want you to go to your aunt's house, and go and sit there.” And so I got there and her and my aunt were trying to talk to me and I was just laying on the couch crying. I was very frantic. And they're like, “You didn't really make much sense.” And so they called my uncle and he came home and he gave me a blessing. I don't remember all of the blessing, to be honest. But one of the things he blessed me with was to give up my missionary tendencies.
ASHLY
Mmm!
ANONYMOUS
It was like, that is so interesting. Yeah, I think I kind of had an attachment of like, “I need to take care of this person, I need to fix.” And that really wasn't anything the Lord was asking me to do. My mom kind of describes it, she said after the blessing, she goes, “Your posture just, you seem more confident. You seem more calm.” And so the minute I called him, I don't know how he knew, I hadn't said anything yet. And he just knew. And he was like, “Who have you been talking to? And where are you? I'm coming to get you.” And I said, “No, you're not, I'm not getting married.” And he threw a pretty big fit. You know, he basically was like, “I'm getting married tomorrow.” And I was like, “Well, I don't know to who.” And he basically was telling me to get my butt to the altar. And so I said, “I'm going now and I'm blocking you. I'm ending the call, and blocking.” And that's kind of how I was able to end that. At this point.
ASHLY
16:41
That is so hard. I can't even imagine, going through that. That is so, that is so hard.
ANONYMOUS
16:50
Thank you, it was so hard. I got done with that. And I was the happiest I had been in like four or five months. And in the moment that felt so great, but then, the weeks following, that high ended. You know, I had a lot of family support. And then it just kind of went back to feeling a lot of the trauma.
ASHLY
Yeah. Tell me a little bit more about how you were able to get through that era of “crap.” I mean, for me, I'm a people pleaser, for sure. So for me, calling off my wedding and telling everybody, canceling, taking the gifts back, I can imagine, going through that on top of having this experience with somebody that you're engaged to, that you're this close to spending forever with somebody that is like that? Tell me how you were able to kind of recover from that.
ANONYMOUS
17:55
Yeah, so it was no picnic. I'll just say that. I would wake up every morning, and just sob. You know, you didn't wake up and you're like, “Yeah, I'm at peace with life.” Physically I had a lot of, my body was not responding well. My parents had me move home at that time. And they started putting me in therapy, quick. But at the time, I was not, I still was not opening up. And so my therapist, when he would talk to me, you know, I would talk pretty superficial. I was like, “Yeah, we fought about where we were going to live. And he wouldn't open the door for me …” You know, I never went into the actual problem. I think at that point, I still wasn't quite willing to open up about it. So I think that's where I wasn't really getting past a lot of the physical and emotional stuff. I was trying to go to work, and I wasn't really functioning at work. You're just kind of in this mental fog, you're not a really present person. And I just wondered if I was ever going to be normal again.
ASHLY
Yeah.
ANONYMOUS
You feel very dysregulated and out of place. And I love that you said that you tend to be a people pleaser, because that's me. I really felt like that's why my uncle mentioned giving up missionary tendencies,
ASHLY
Yeah.
ANONYMOUS
because I think it can be used for good, but I think clearly like it was being misused. So it was really hard. I was really embarrassed about the money that was lost. The people who had come a long way to be there. I felt really bad that I was letting down his family. That sounds so strange. But I just kind of left and I didn't give any of them an explanation.
My parents were really struggling too, they didn't know how to help me. And it was becoming really frustrating for them. And so there was kind of some conflict between us. I felt like a teenager again in their house with some attitude, you know, like, “Just talk to us!” And I ended up moving back to school in the fall. They didn't want me to move back because during this time, too, he was finding new ways to contact me. So he would make new accounts. He was calling me on new caller IDs. He was trying to get me to meet in places. It's weird because you kind of want to reciprocate. But at the same time, you know, you're not supposed to, you know, it's not safe. So it's weird, you're so scared of it. But I think the trauma, bonding that happens with these kind of relationships, you want to. So my parents were really worried about me going back to school, because they didn't want me to be in a situation where I'd end up with him again, right. And, I mean, I really thought I was going to get married, and I was going to leave, and I was never going to talk to my family and again, never be seen. And then like, throughout that time, the sexual things got worse. And so I knew I was like, when we get married, it's not gonna get any better. Right? Like, I really thought, you know, either I'm going to be super just unhappy, miserable, abused,
ASHLY
Yeah.
ANONYMOUS
or I'm going to be like, in a dumpster.
ASHLY
Yeah.
ANONYMOUS
You just didn't know. But those were the feelings that I kind of had.
And so I decided to go to the temple to make a decision. So I had to come down here and I came down here for therapy. So I planed my therapy session, and then I'd go to the temple right after. I was really struggling, being in the temple. I couldn't sit through an endowment session, I would just get panicky. So I started worrying that I wasn't fully repentant. I just was being so harsh there, on myself.
21:39
ASHLY
So you're a missionary, and you're clearly doing everything, you can be so righteous, and then you go through this. That had to have been something so challenging for you, where you're going to the one place where you want to find the most peace,
ANONYMOUS
Right.
ASHLY
which is the temple, but you're feeling the complete opposite? Like, it's triggering your anxiety. And how was that? With just your testimony in general, having to feel that way in the house of the Lord? After you tried so hard on your mission and did all these things, and then you went through this hard thing?
ANONYMOUS
22:19
Well, you're right. I mean, it's supposed to be a place, a sanctuary, right? It's supposed to be where we're endowed with power. And I would go and I would feel walls, just … So I felt shut out. So I immediately was like– and I think, when you're abused too, your worth, your sense of worth … I mean, you're objectified. Right? So you just feel … But my testimony started with just my relationship with God, His nature, like I thought, either He was punishing me really hard, or He wasn't going to communicate with me. I literally asked my mom, I'm like, “What is the purpose of life?” I literally got to that point where I was just like, “Why are we even here?” My desire to be married and have a family was completely distorted. It was not desirable for me. My parents did not think I was going to try again. I was like, “I don't want to get married, it does not seem appealing.” Because with him, it was not the concept of women and the value of women in the church. That became a little more triggering for me. I never questioned that before. I feel like I was taught well enough in my home that I knew how much God loved women. And, you know, our roles and how powerful and sacred they were. And I started to kind of wonder.
ASHLY
Yeah.
ANONYMOUS
The one time me and him did go to the temple, I literally was sitting in an endowment session, and he was staring at me the entire time. So I was just crying. So, you know, you start to feel like, “Okay, maybe I am controlled, and maybe I am told I have to fit in this mold, and I'm there to, you know, servitude, and kids.” And it just seemed depressing. It all seemed like a lot of work and no joy.
ASHLY
Yeah.
ANONYMOUS
But that's how he made it feel.
ASHLY
Mmhmm.
ANONYMOUS
I really struggled. I was going, I was in the routine of going to church, but I wasn't really. I was pretty hardened.
ASHLY
24:32
I think this is important for people to hear because I think a lot of times, it's like what you just said–it's like we’re still in the culture and going through the motions of being in church. But there's times where we really struggle and have like, you were hardened, but you're still going through the motions. And I think it's so important for us as a church community to be so aware of this. That just because somebody's showing up doesn't mean that they’re not struggling.
ANONYMOUS
25:11
That they’re okay.
ASHLY
Exactly.
ANONYMOUS
And I think that was even harder because I grew up in a small community. And I was very involved in my home ward and my stake. People knew my family really well. And so I think I felt like this responsibility of always being spiritually in tune. And being a leader. Which later I learned, vulnerability is huge, and leadership. I just felt like, inside very, you know, but on the outside, I was trying to appear that I was normal, and I was really committed to being there. When I’d go to the temple, I was struggling. And so I met with my bishop at home. I just told him, I'm like, “I'm going, and this is what's happening. And I'm wondering if I really have repented.” And he just looked at me. And he, I think we had only been talking like two minutes, and he just goes, “I think you've been seriously abused.” It was so direct, but so loving, I just feel like, he looked at me, and he just, “I think this is really what happened. You're not even believing yourself. You need to understand that we believe you too.” Because I think I really felt like, “Oh, gosh, I've messed up,” and I was punishing myself. And he was just like, “I think this is really what's happening.” And so he encouraged me to continue going, but moderately, right? It's like, “Don't exhaust yourself, but like, keep going back and doing the little things.” He's like, “You know, maybe right now, an endowment session is just too much, why don't you sit and do initiatory, or maybe sit on the temple grounds.” And so it definitely took some time, a lot of time. And I was trying to figure out whether or not to go back to school. And so I went to pray about that. And I was literally walking in and ran into my Institute teacher. Me and him knew each other, he knew me from before my mission. And then I had been in his classes, during this time. And that was another thing–is my ex-fiance, he never wanted me in Institute. He didn't like me to be there. And so that's what's funny, because like, outwardly, he's like, “I'm a returned missionary. I'm a temple recommend holder,” all these things, but he didn't want me to have any kind of access to any of that. But this Institute teacher, he just kind of expressed how relieved he was when he heard that I didn't go through with it. And then he told me how he just noticed in class, he's like, “You just looked like a beat up puppy coming to class.” And then he asked me, “So are you coming back?” And I was just like, “It's a little complicated, I don't know.” And he just stopped me. And he said, “We don't take counsel from our fears.”
ASHLY
Wow.
ANONYMOUS
That really stuck out to me, because I was really afraid. And I think, you know, my parents were afraid, other people were afraid for me. And that's when he kind of let me know he had recently been called to be a YSA bishop, and he goes, “I can help you find housing.” I mean, school was starting in a month. And I had lost a bunch of money too. I was just not in a good situation. And the Lord answered my prayer, right there, even before I had entered the temple. And so looking back now, you know, that's an important thing, too, is you have to see the little progresses in your journey and see His hand in it. And I'm grateful for that now, because looking back, I can see where they were the smallest acts of faith.
ASHLY
Yeah.
ANONYMOUS
They didn't feel like anything. But He was going to take that and just, He was going to move my life with great magnitude.
ASHLY
28:57
Yeah. I love that so much. I think it's so important. Like, if you have the eyes to see those little miracles, they're there. And it's so amazing. And I love that quote from him that “We don't take counsel from our fears.” That's so profound.
ANONYMOUS
29:16
Yeah. I mean, it sounds simple, but it hit me so strongly.
ASHLY
Yeah.
ANONYMOUS
Because I was living in fear for months. That's all I was doing.
ASHLY
Yeah. I love that. So then what happened after that? So did you go to school?
ANONYMOUS
29:31
So I listened to him, he helped me find housing. I moved back. And I enrolled in classes. And, you know, when I saw him on the temple grounds, he was kind of joking. He's like, I have a great ward. There's really good, cute guys there. We were laughing and whatever. So I moved back and I met with him. And what was going on was I had moved back, I was still struggling. So I'd go to class sometimes. And I would have triggering, just panic attacks, and I'd be almost at class and turn around and go home. I would literally be laying in my bed, couldn't get out of bed some days. So that was going on and this kid kept trying to contact me, my ex-fiance. And so I met with him, he was able to help me get into resources with Title Nine on our campus. And I was so terrified, but I had a lot of help. And I moved forward and asked for help to kind of get a no-contact order with this kid. So he helped me with that. And I wasn't really dating. And that was hard, because I would get asked, and I'm a people pleaser, so I would say yes. And it just would eat me up. I mean, they were the nicest kids. And I don't think they could figure it out. But I just was not willing to open up. I could acknowledge that they were safe, that they were polite, but I just was not willing to give anything. And so he kind of encouraged me, he's like, “You know what, let's step back. If you don't want to date, just say no.”
31:07
And I began working with a different counselor at that point. He was able to get me in contact with someone who actually specialized in domestic violence and sexual abuse. And that's where things just really progressed. My other counselor, like I said, was great, but I was just in a place where I wasn't willing to talk to people. Nobody. It actually wasn't till right before school too. I had a cousin that I was close with. We were at a family reunion. And you know, a lot of family, they wanted to know what happened, and they want to talk about it. And I remember he just kind of pulled me aside and he said, “Look. Were you sexually pressured?” I don't know why he was so in tune. But all I had to do was nod my head. You know, I didn't have to say anything. And he just kind of encouraged me. He's like, “You know, you are feeling right now, like you failed, and you can't ever come back from this. But he is like, you need to know that we all believe in you.” Between that and meeting with this therapist that specialized in this, that's when I was able to open up. I was able to talk. And I got to the point where I could talk in detail about it. I still wasn't comfortable to talk to my parents, me and my dad really struggled. My dad had a hard time understanding what was happening. And I think he was frustrated. And that was another thing that was scary for me. I think I was really worried to know what my dad would do if he knew, like, the thought of confrontation was scary.
ASHLY
32:34
Yeah, yep. I can relate to those feelings.
ANONYMOUS
32:39
Yeah. Again, like I said, it really, it was slow. It was so slow. And I remember there were days in therapy, I would just cry. And I'd say, “When is this going to end? When am I going to feel normal again? When am I going to be happy, whole again?” And like you said, it was so frustrating. I mean, I'm not a perfect person, but I felt like I lived a life trying to really follow the gospel, and to follow my Savior. And I think I was like, “Why this? I had to have done something wrong.” And I think I really had to learn that this experience necessarily wasn't anything to do with my worthiness. There's trials in life that happen to great people.
ASHLY
Yeah.
ANONYMOUS
And I also had to take responsibility for the pain, you know, my role in my pain too. ‘Cause, you know, I wasn't going in and looking for that, but there was things, obviously, that I didn't handle correctly.
ASHLY
Right.
ANONYMOUS
That's where healing really began to happen. At that point, I was getting to the point where I could go to the temple twice a week. That sounds crazy, but I was making it a point to go. It almost started going from like a really hard place to be, to where I needed to be again.
ASHLY
Mmhmm.
ANONYMOUS
School was really hard. I mean, I just was really struggling, to stay engaged. To try to be in academics and to go to work and things was a challenge. Like my whole life turned upside down. What actually really helped me was doing sealings. I had never done them till that point. I'd always done endowments, initiatory, and baptism and I one day went in and sealings is what made me feel comfort and peace.
ASHLY
That's interesting.
ANONYMOUS
Very interesting. Because I feel like that's where everything in my life was not.
ASHLY
34:48
Yeah, right. Yeah, that's so interesting. So do you feel like, when you were going through the healing process … I mean, what kind of role did the Savior play in this healing process? You went through a lot of therapy, you went through a lot of different things like that. But you mentioned multiple times that you felt like you weren't worthy, and different feelings like that. So I'm curious to know, how did you get to the point where you were able to feel worthy again?
ANONYMOUS
35:23
That's such a good question. I think that the Savior is the greatest advocate for women. I went back to the fundamentals of the things I learned in Young Women's. And I think what happened is I started talking to myself the way the Savior would to the women. And I started studying that. And I realized that there's nothing that happened that He would have … He didn't want that for me. So I went from feeling like, “This is a punishment,” like “What did I do?” to him saying like … I think I began to connect with the Savior that way. I began to just get kind of a glimpse of His sacrifice, the pain He felt, everything He felt for me and for everyone.
ASHLY
Yeah.
ANONYMOUS
And I think I found that by spending time in the temple, spending time in the scriptures, meeting with my priesthood leaders regularly. Today, it's such a really sore area with just like, women in the church, and abuse, and are priesthood leaders actually helping helping people, or are they allowing this to happen? And I felt love through them. I could feel the Savior through them. They were so inspired.
ASHLY
Yeah.
ANONYMOUS
And slowly, I was taking control. I was going from a victim to taking control of my life.
ASHLY
Mmhmm.
ANONYMOUS
So I felt the Savior in all those ways. And then I think the biggest way for me is like, quite frankly, when I met my husband.
ASHLY
Yes. Tell me more about that.
ANONYMOUS
My Bishop was joking about boys, and I had no interest. So when I met my husband, I knew who he was. We were in the same ward, he lived next door. I really was just in such a ball. I was not actively seeking out any kind of relationship. And his roommate was actually dating a roommate of mine. And he came over and it was really funny. He goes to me, “Why do you not have a boyfriend?” And I said, “Well, I called off a wedding about six months ago.” He was like, “Oh,” and he was very polite, felt really bad he brought it up. And then later, I just was talking with him again. And I was expressing how frustrating dating was. And he said, “Well, have you met my roommate?” This young man ministered to my whole apartment, and I lived with 15 girls. I had my own room, but it was just a big house. And we all lived there. And this poor kid had to minister to all of us. And he was over a lot for blessings. But he came over one night to give me a blessing. And I was a complete disaster, which I've learned to be kind to myself about. I was very much so mourning and I wasn't in a good place. But he came to give me a blessing. And the other young man that usually comes with him wasn't able to and so he called my now husband, but called him and he was studying on campus. And he immediately came, he like, grabbed all his books, came down. And he helped give me a blessing. And I didn't really think about it at the time. I really appreciated him, I thought, “He's a really good person,” but at the time, like I had no self esteem, I wasn't interested in dating. So I wasn't really viewing him in kind of a romantic way at all. And a couple of months went by, we go on a date. And I was pretty nervous. I was like, “I'm sure he's a nice kid, I'm sure we'll go on a date, maybe two, but it's not gonna go anywhere.” And I kind of almost didn't want to go. Right before the data is just like “ugh.” We went on the date. And we just talked and connected and we could tell very quickly, a lot about each other. It was so interesting. I felt safe. And we had a really good time. And then after that we just started spending more time together. And then it just kind of progressed. COVID broke out, things changed a lot. I moved home again for work. And so we started doing long distance, but when I met him, he was just so polite. I could tell what he valued. And I felt the Savior a lot through that. I was like, “This is the kind of man that really strives to live the way the Savior would.” And it gave me faith that that was a possibility. And I think a big thing for me too is there was a lot of talk about me calling off a wedding. And one time, I felt like I had to explain myself to him. We hadn't been dating very long, and he stopped me. And he says, “You don't have to tell me anything that you don't want to.”
ASHLY
Wow.
ANONYMOUS
And so I knew immediately that not only could I trust him, but I didn't have to explain myself. I knew that he knew my soul. When we got closer to being engaged, that's when I opened up to him fully about everything I went through, and I was terrified. I really thought, “He's not gonna believe me, this is going to be an issue for him. He may change his mind.” And so I was pretty scared. And it was a really hard conversation. It's not a comfortable conversation to talk to somebody about. But he just reminded me how strong of a woman I was. And I was like, “I don't know if this changes your mind.” And he said, “No.” I mean, no hesitation. And I think for me, that was when I realized how much faith I had been lacking. Like, I knew I really loved him, but I didn't think I was worthy of that. I felt like for some reason, I was just “below,” and I started having to learn how to trust again–trust that the Lord wanted to bless me with good things. So even then, I was still having to learn,
ASHLY
Yeah.
ANONYMOUS
to open up. He came in a time in my life, that was not what I wanted. I think he came on the Lord's terms. It was not ideal. And I think the Lord was like, “You really need to trust me on this.” And his response, I just felt the Savior's love through him. It was pure grace and forgiveness and love and just compassion: “I don't even care. It's okay.” You know, sexuality is such a target for youth. I have friends that I'm well acquainted with that, you know, they've messed up sexually. And so whether it's consensual or not, whether it's abusive or not, I think the response needs to be more compassion and more love. Those people need to know that the Savior has open arms to them.
ASHLY
42:35
Totally, I was a drug addict. And it's pretty amazing to see how the Savior can completely transform a person to be like it never happened, and to be completely whole again, after going through such things that are so like, they mess with your self worth so much. And there's definitely a reason why we're counseled to, you know, why we make these covenants. But it is pretty incredible to see how He loves you, and no matter what you've done, and He's here for you, and He will change your heart and make your life as if it didn't happen.
ANONYMOUS
43:19
Yeah, I absolutely agree. You know, like, I've had friends come home from their missions for that. And it's made me really sad. Like, even their parents, and I feel for parents. It's a really hard thing to respond appropriately.
ASHLY
Yeah.
ANONYMOUS
There's some grieving for them as well. But I was like, we should be so proud of them for not mocking the Atonement, like they know what they've done wrong. And here they are taking that responsibility. It's sad to me how many people stay silent, and they move forward. And they pretend. An analogy I really like, it's in a talk by Elder Bednar. He relates it to canning. And just how important is to seal that jar so that whatever you're canning, peaches, tomatoes, they stay preserved. In my situation, I knew we were going into that, not worthy of what we weren't committing to do. We weren't going to actually live that covenant. We weren't living that covenant. And he talks about, like, when we don't do that, it will rot from the inside out. And that's what’s sad.
ASHLY
Mmhmm.
ANONYMOUS
That's gonna be a mistake that some of us are going to make. Or, if we're abused, we just need to know that it's okay to come forward and to make those things right. There's so much healing and happiness in that.
ASHLY
44:48
Yep. Totally. Well, what advice would you have for somebody that maybe they feel like they're trapped in a dark place? You know, for maybe it's for whatever reason, and they feel like they're struggling to connect spiritually, or they feel triggered by the temple, or they're struggling with that, in that dark place. What advice would you have for somebody that's in that place?
ANONYMOUS
45:16
I think, learning to give what little you can, sticking with it. There are going to be those dark valleys. And there's light and there's hope on the other side of them. And sometimes we really are going to have to do some work. But also, there's a balance of that and being compassionate. Give yourself a breather. But I think just remembering to move forward, try to go back to the things that you know. I think that's why we're encouraged so many times to write down our testimonies, our spiritual experiences, to be in the scriptures. I mean, I was able to go back and as a missionary, I marked my scriptures up like crazy. And I was able to just go back and remember the things that I do know. With the temple, that's overwhelming for people who join the church and go through the first time. It's maybe right before you get married. It's an overwhelming thing, sometimes. It may not be because of sexual abuse. It could be social anxiety, it could be, I mean, there's so many things that I think people can struggle with. But I think not being afraid to take what your concerns are, and pray about them, and study them slowly. You can't just take it all in at once. When I was going back, I was trying to go back like nothing happened the week before I called off my wedding, and it was too much. I hope that makes sense.
ASHLY
Yes.
ANONYMOUS
Start somewhere, but start somewhere small and the Lord really will magnify that.
ASHLY
47:04
I love that. That is so beautiful. You're so amazing. And I'm so glad that you shared your story today. And I think it's so important. Thank you so much for coming on the podcast.
ANONYMOUS
47:18
Thanks for having me. It was nice to meet you.
