"Getting endowed was the most special day in my life. I had never felt so whole inside as a person, without needing someone else's approval. I myself did this, and I am ok with being who I am. I have God with me all the time now, and there is nothing else that you really need. That feeling alone was worth anything."

Come Back Podcast on Stitcher
Sharing stories of coming back to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. If you have a story of coming back, email me at ashly.comebackpodcast@gmail.com.
Come Back Podcast
Sharing stories of coming back to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. If you have a story of coming back, email me at ashly.comebackpodcast@gmail.com.
‎Come Back Podcast on Apple Podcasts
‎Religion & Spirituality · 2023

Transcription

ASHLY

00:14

So, Mandy, I'm so excited to have you on the podcast. I actually remember you from my best friend Shaylee. Growing up, you were friends with her sister. And so,


MANDY

Yes.


ASHLY

So, I kind of remember you from those days, but I don't think– I don't know. I'm sure our paths crossed at some point or another.

 

MANDY

00:34

Most likely, but I probably don't remember.

 

ASHLY

Same, same. So, I was so excited to hear that you came back to the church. And I'm so excited to hear your story. So if you want to just start at the beginning, I'd love to start there and hear all the things.

 

01:02

MANDY

Sure, I'm super excited to be on too. I was a little nervous and hesitant at first because it's intimidating. So, it started when I was growing up. My parents, we were raised in Wyoming until about seven years old, and my mom and dad got divorced. And so, we moved to Utah, and we moved to Orem and Provo area. And from there, when I was about eight years old, I got baptized in the church. And I can remember how good it felt at that moment in my life, even at a young age, and just having the knowledge of, like a protection, you know, and it felt really good. So later on, we lived with my mom, me and my two brothers who grew up with mostly my mom, at a young age. My dad, he was kind of left in the dust from my mom, and not really having the chance to see us as a kid. So that was kind of hard, growing up in that way. But after a while, we ended up living with my dad, because my mom got into a really abusive relationship. And this was probably when I was about, I want to say 12. And so, when I moved with my dad, it was kind of easier to go to church for me because I had neighbors that would take me, and I was the one who actually wanted to go. My brothers, they stayed at home and my dad, he was just inactive. He still believed in the church, but he just never went. So, I ended up getting my Young Women's medallion on my own. And that was a huge accomplishment for me. I felt like I had women or, you know, sisters around me that I didn't really have at home. So that was another plus in my life that I can remember from the church at a young age. And it all goes back to the feelings I had from when I was young. And why I went back, growing up my mom during this relationship that she had with this man, he was very abusive, mentally and physically, to my mom. And so, as a little girl, seeing that happen to your mother is devastating. And all you want to do is help or, you know, rescue her from that moment, or whatever you can do. So, I knew that there was nothing I can do. And she ended up eventually making the decision to attempt suicide. So obviously, she didn't follow through with, I mean, it never happened. But I as a young, as a little girl, just having your mother try to leave the world is, it left me kind of wondering, you know, why? And why would she want to leave her kids, and it just didn't make sense to me.

 

04:51

ASHLY

How old were you at that time?

 

MANDY

I want to say that I was probably 13, at that age. Those are like very, I want to say tender, it's a tender age. I took that kind of as a blow from God, you know? And you know, why? Why my mom? And I took it personally. So, I kind of want to say that's like where it broke for me, like it started to crack, in my beliefs. Moving on, I started growing up even more, and I was turning into a teenager and going to high school. And, you know, that was all fun. But I was one of those girls who kind of, you know, didn't have a lot of friends. And the ones I did, I felt like they were fake to me, or I don't know. So, you know, I never really knew how to interact with I think women, you know, so it was really hard for me. And not having an identity like that is pretty difficult for a little girl, I think for a younger girl. When I graduated high school, I had an opportunity that I think every little girl or younger girl would love to do.

06:14

I went to New York City, and I started to model out there. And when I first left, I literally had, I want to say $500 in my pocket and my first month's rent. I don't know, I just, I was 18 years old. And I needed to leave my mom and my dad and just be me and see who I was, and see what life was about. So, I get to New York, and everything works out really good in the beginning. I start working, I start traveling. It just feels right for me. But in reality, it was all about, I don't know, I feel like now that it was very worldly. And it was a cutthroat world out there. So, I was doing my modeling and traveling and making lots of money and just having that dream of, you know, every girl wants. And I had a devastating breakup with this man that I was dating. And so, for me being so young, it was my first love. And so, I took it pretty rough. And in New York being a model, you know, there's a lot of alcohol and drugs around. And so, I started drinking and going to clubs and living that fake life, I guess. And alcohol led to the use of cocaine. And I started using a lot of cocaine. After that, I got wrapped up in that world and I started missing jobs and not going to my shoots and my job, and just spiraling, spiraling down super-fast. And I really didn't even see what was happening when I was in it. And so, from there, I think I just felt lost and didn't know who I was and didn't know what to do. I didn't have family to really lean on. And so, my agency at the time, thank goodness, kind of saw that something was going on. And they pulled me aside and talked to me. And you know, they said let's send you to a rehab. And so, I went. I went to my first rehab when I was 24. I went there to California for about three months. And by this time, I was pretty much an empty shell. I don't even think that I had a soul anymore. I did, but it must have been really small. After I had went to this 90-day program in California, I really don't think that I was ready. I think that I was just faking it to make it and when I got back on the plane to come back to New York. By the time I landed, I was on the phone with my dealer. And I knew right there that I think I had a problem. So, I continued to use, and my addiction got worse and it led to the use of heroin and shooting heroin and cocaine. And after that, I knew that I knew that my life, like that was my life, and I didn't, I wasn't accepting any other lifestyle, like that was just going to be me. And if you liked it, great, if not, then get out of my life. And I was a very hateful person, I was dark, I had no care for life, I, you know, I had just lost everything. After that I was back in New York and living that lifestyle and trying to maintain this career that I had built from zero to 100. And I just couldn't do it anymore. I was dead inside. And I didn't care anymore. I was losing my jobs. And people weren't calling my agency to book me anymore. Because they knew. I wasn't traveling anymore, either. I had been to 24 countries for work, and now no one was calling me you know, and so that alone, too, knowing this makes your addiction worse. It just kind of feeds it and makes the fire more red, you know, I started to lose money, obviously. And I would go back to Utah to my family and get clean for a period of time. And I thought that I was better. And so, I go back to New York. And it was just this vicious cycle of getting clean, and then coming back and using. So, one day I came to Utah to visit my family. And I was catching a flight back to New York from Vegas. And I was super sick, like withdrawal sick. And I met with my dealer before I got back on the plane. And I had used some drugs, and I was intoxicated. And very, very not myself, I guess you could say. So, I get in the plane and I sit down, and we take off. And all I can remember is waking up after falling asleep. And a woman was calling me bad names and derogatory things. And I had gotten to a physical fight with her on the plane and caused a little bit of damage. I can remember we were in flight and getting pulled back into the back of the plane until we landed. And that was actually my very first charge that had to do with my issues like being an addict. And so, this is where it started. I was charged with I think it was battery, but it was on federal airspace. So, I went to federal prison for this for two years. By this time, I guess I should backtrack. By this time, I have three kids, I have an older son, and then I have a set of twin boys. They're all boys. But when I went to prison, my mother obtained my children. And so, they were okay in that sense. They were being taken care of. They had a roof over their head, but I knew that they were safe. And so, when I was in prison, my family did not talk to me. I called my family faithfully every day, wrote them letters, and I never got an answer or a letter back. But that was okay with me. Like I knew that I had done them wrong. I was ready to change, so I thought. You know, I guess prison and losing your children just sometimes isn't the lowest that you can go. And that was my case in my story. And so, I did it. I did everything in prison the right way that they wanted. And I got out. I got released into a federal halfway house. And while I was in there, I got served with papers by my mother saying that she had adopted my three children while I was in prison. And so, this was another devastating blow to me.

14:51

I know it sounds silly to some people like why would you do that after just getting out of prison? Why would you start using again or fall apart when you know the consequences? But in reality, I did not have the tools that I needed and the knowledge of how to actually live a life, like a normal life. If, I guess you could say, I had no clue. I was definitely lost for sure. And I think I'd been lost in my life, my whole life, my whole growing up, compared to what I feel in life now. After I decided to fly back to New, it's always flying back to New York. After I go back to New York, I start using again, and this time, I used hard. And I OD’ed several times. I have been in the ICU from OD’ing. And my dad, I remember my dad finally calling me and he was living in St. George at the time, and he said, Mandy, you will you please, please come back to St. George, and I can help you in any way. And I was more than willing to because I knew that I was dying. I was more than willing to go to St. George and try. So, I fly to St. George. And I'm just tired, and I just can't do it anymore. And so, my dad gets me an apartment, helps me get an apartment, I guess. So, I'm in St. George, finally. Which is probably not a good place for me. But I told my father that I was clean coming home. And I really wasn't. Because again, I had no idea how to live life without the drugs and alcohol. I had no direction. And I just had a bunch of broken promises pretty much. So, I'm sick and I need to, I need to feel better so I can interact with my dad. That's what I was feeling. So, I call my dealer down there again. And I start using really hard in St. George, the hardest I've ever used drugs, and I start using methamphetamine. And this is where my life turned to the worst. I thought it was bad before but this time, it was bad. And by this time, after living in St. George I went to jail several times. My record had racked up misdemeanors, after misdemeanors, 32 misdemeanors of drug charges and just horrible things. And so, by this time I was dating, I was dating a drug dealer, and it was pretty much using drugs, being in jail, using drugs, being in jail. And there was no way out. And I had lost everything. I had lost everyone that meant anything to me. My family was done with me. I was alone. I eventually started living on the streets. I would periodically live in storage units, and then it would be on the streets. I was eating out of dumpsters. And whatever I could find on the street, I would eat. I had went from something that I had built up and made myself to this person that was a hollow shell and was living on the streets, having nothing, eating out of garbage cans. And finally, I remember the day that I was pretty much saved. I like to say it like that because being an addict, I know that we think that the law is our enemy. But in this case, they were my angels and saved my life. The last time I got arrested, I was lifted up by these detectives and I was so thin and emaciated. I could barely stand up and walk and talk. And they took me into jail and fed me and made me feel a little bit better. You know. And I remember going to my first court hearing and the judge, the only decision that he had for me was to enter into drug court. So, I could clear up all of the felonies that I had, and pretty much have a second chance. That was my one second chance that I was allowed to have, and I agreed to it. I knew in my head that I wasn't necessarily sure that I was ready. But I think that I was going to do it and accomplish something and get it done. So, I entered into drug court, I was doing really good in drug court and went into residential treatment. And I successfully completed that. And then I went into IOP. And I completed that, and I was just doing better and better in life. And I met a guy that I'm married to now, which, he's the most amazing man. And I don't think I'd be here today if it wasn't for him. And myself, but he's a big influence in my life in a positive way. So, I completed drug court, I successfully completed drug court and I graduated after that I had gotten pregnant, which is it's been kind of it was kind of rough for me to be pregnant with my fourth child, due to feelings of my other kids, you know, feeling maybe left out or that I don't love them.

 

ASHLY

21:29

Did you have any relationship with the kids that your mom had? What did that look like? Or what? 

 

MANDY

So, I did, I had my three kids until I went to prison.

 

ASHLY

21:41

And then after that, like your mom didn't talk to you in prison, and your family didn't talk to you. And then after you got out and we're going through all of that stuff, did you have contact with your kids at all?

 

MANDY

21:53

I never, I still don't have contact with my mother. She is still not, I guess ready. I talk to my dad now, my dad is in my life. And my two brothers, we have a talking relationship. We haven't really hung out or it's not super close, but it's better than it was. But my dad is my best friend. And he's helped me immensely with everything as well. And my dad gets to see my other kids. So, he'll tell me how they're doing and the things that they like, and things I wouldn't really know. So that's a nice thing to have. I have tried every way to see what I could do legally to have contact with them. But there's nothing I can do until either my mom softens her heart or they're 18.

ASHLY

So you were pregnant with your fourth child, and you're still in drug court at this time, right?


MANDY

Yes.


ASHLY

Okay. So, what happened after that?

 

MANDY

23:09

After I got pregnant with my son, we ended up having–his name is Asher. We ended up having Asher. And he's a healthy, happy baby boy. He's two years old now, but when he was one, me and Luke decided to get married. And we hadn't really decided on the church yet. After we got married, we just felt like there was something missing in our lives, that there was just a hole, you know? We didn't, we couldn't really pinpoint it. But there was something you know, so we decided, maybe we should try to go to church. And I just kept having these feelings. Like we need to go to church, and we need to take our son there. And we need to, like, I really want us to be like, healthy, strong family, you know. So, we started going to church, and things just started happening. Like coincidences, and just signals. And I don't know, it was just super strong that we were meant to be there. And me and Luke finally decided to start taking temple classes. And really like diving in like 100%, and paying tithing, that was a huge thing. You know, I never imagined being an honest person like that and paying a church or, you know, something. Something like that. It was just really special to me. How do you

 

ASHLY

24:49

No one's watching like, no one can see 

 

MANDY

Exactly!

 

ASHLY

what you're paying, but you do it because, you know. I felt a similar way paying tithing. It's like, nobody knows if you're paying 10%. It's like, you know, and God knows, and that's it.

 

MANDY

25:09

Yeah, so it's super special. And, you know, it holds you accountable, which is, that's really important in life. And so, we started doing the temple classes. And after that, it's just like we decided to get our endowments out. And that was the most special day in my life, like I have never felt so whole inside, as a person, without needing someone's approval, or, like me, myself did that and I'm okay with being who I am, and I have God now with me, like all the time, so there's nothing else that you really need. So that feeling alone was worth anything in this, any high, or any … I don't know, any– It's just amazing. So, we took our endowments out in December, and now in April, we were planning on getting sealed as a family. It just feels nice to be involved in something like that, and know that it's true, and have a testimony of the church that you believe in. And the life that you know that is right and is there for you. So, I'm in school, now I work at the hospital, I'm getting my RN, I have a 4.0. And I'm just, I'm just super blessed in my life, my son is healthy and happy. And my husband, he has an amazing job with people that he loves and really cares about too, so. And getting married to Luke was a blessing in disguise for me, because he has a family that I've never had before. And they treat me like they would treat any of their kids pretty much. And so being welcomed to something like that was super hard for me at first because I didn't really understand the dynamic. But now it's like, wow, this is what I was missing? It's pretty cool. You know? So, yeah.

 

ASHLY

27:32

That is so awesome. I have a question. I think a lot of people are afraid to come back to church because they're worried that they don't fit in or that people are judging them. Or that, you know, people are going to be saying things about them or whatever. Like what, you know, coming from a past like yours and mine. And so, I'm curious to know what your experience was like coming back to church after everything you went through.

 

MANDY

28:01

To be honest, at first, I definitely felt those feelings of being shunned or not welcome. And when I would go to church, I felt like I was being looked at like, “Who are you?” you know? But once I actually told my story, I got up and told my story at church one day. People respect you, who you have become, way more than if you don't voice, you're who you are. And so that was a really big step for me in life as well. Learning that it's okay to tell people who I am. And if they judge you, okay, that's fine. That's their opinion, but it doesn't matter, like you are who you are. And the road that you've been on, makes you who you are. And I haven't met one person yet that has a bad opinion of what I've gone through.


ASHLY

Mmhmm.


MANDY

They've actually told me how strong I am for where I am today. 

 

ASHLY

Yeah.

 

MANDY

So, I encourage people to be a little more open about if they are struggling with drugs and alcohol, or if they have just to be yourself and be open about it. Because all I want people to know is people can change. And it's just a stigma. It's just, you know, a name that people have come up with for addicts, you know? 

 

ASHLY

Yep. 

 

MANDY

Just be who you are. You'll be loved. I promise.

 

ASHLY

29:37

I love that. I think that one of my, like, I love sharing stories on the podcast like yours where people are so far gone, because that was me. Like our stories are very similar, with you know, heroin addiction, and I love sharing these stories on the podcast, because it's so incredible to see how much somebody's heart can change. 

 

MANDY

Isn't it?!

 

ASHLY

It's like, and the thing that you said about how you felt like something was missing. And then like when you came back, it's like that was all filled. I have the chills just talking about it. Because yeah, it's so true that, you know, it's like when we're so compulsively using drugs. It's like we're trying to fill this hole in our heart that can't be filled. And yeah, but coming back to church, it's like, the gospel and the Savior's Atonement fills that hole in our heart.

 

MANDY

30:38

It really does. And like, when you are in your addiction, you need all this validation from people or things that are just so irrelevant. And you think that it's filling this hole of yours. And it's not. The feeling that you get just from being the person you are, and you're okay with it is what I found. And how I can live every day now without that mindset anymore. It's just amazing. 

 

ASHLY

Yeah.

 

MANDY

Yeah. 

 

ASHLY

I love that so much. Well, your story is seriously incredible. And I just, I feel so honored to have you on the podcast. And I know that there's so many people that will benefit from hearing your story. So, thank you so much for just being brave, and coming on here. I know, it's hard to talk about all the things that we go through to get where we are, but like, you're just brave. And thank you for taking the time to share your story. And is there anything else that you want to add just before we wrap up?

 

MANDY

31:51

I just want to say that I do have a testimony of this church. I just hope that people out there can hear this and really just give it a try and open your heart and be open minded and take suggestions from people. You know, you never know where it can leave you and the happiness that you can have. It's just incredible. And people can change. That's all I want to say is just people can change.

 

ASHLY

Yeah. And one other thing, like, when you were talking about how you're like yeah, like I, we felt like something was missing so we decided to just go to church and see. And then all these little miracles started happening. And I felt that in my life, and I've heard it in other people's podcast episodes where it's like, they took that chance of like, well, you know, I don't know for sure, but I'm just gonna, like take this one step forward, and then see what happens after that. And it's like, God shows up for you when you do that, when you take that step forward, He will show up and he will, He will make his presence known and your life so–


MANDY

32:59

Absolutely. And I feel like if someone, if you're in the position of just starting out in the church, and you get these little messages that you can, you can hear or just little signs, don't just ignore it. It's there for you to see. And it's real. They’re little blessings and just take that into consideration and it will lead you into something amazing. So, yeah, that's what I have to say.

 

ASHLY

33:33

Thank you so much Mandy. You're just so cool inside and out.

MANDY

Thanks. So are you.