"Even though I was by myself going to church, looking back on it, I don't even remember being alone. I didn't feel alone during this entire process of turning back to Him; I wasn't feeling alone anymore and I wasn't scared to go by myself. I got my recommend back and I went to the temple by myself and I never felt alone. I ended up being the happiest I had ever been. I was so excited to have that light come back within me. I just wanted to scream from the rooftops: 'I feel changed, I feel whole!'"
Come Back PodcastTranscription
Ashly 00:14
Brooke, I am so excited to have you on the podcast. You're stunning, by the way.
Brooke
Oh, thank you! You're stunning as well. So definitely very captivating with your story. One of the reasons why I definitely got hooked. But yeah, thank you.
Ashly
Yeah. I'm so excited. I just could really relate to your story, and Jenna–who helps us sort through the stories (we get tons and tons of emails, so I have kind of a hard time keeping up with reading all of the stories sent in)--she said, “We really need to interview Brooke. It seems like her story would be such a good one.”
Brooke
Oh thanks.
Ashly
And I feel like, whenever the stars align, and we have an episode that happens, it's so meant to be. It seems like there's somebody that really needs to hear it. So, yeah, I'm excited to have you on. I know you said you're from California, but where do you live now? I know you're married, so maybe tell us a little bit about that, if you work, or just a little context for who you are before we jump in.
Brooke
01:29
Totally. I currently live in Salt Lake with my husband. We got married a little over a year ago in the Newport Beach temple, and it was the best day ever. I went to the University of Utah. I got my bachelor's degree there. I work full time as a medical assistant in the University Hospital, and I also teach some workout classes. Just keeping my fitness alive and well, and incorporating that into my life is super important. So yeah, I have those two jobs. And then how I met my husband and where we are today is very much tied into my story and my testimony, and pretty much where I am today. I'm forever indebted to the Lord for my husband–through me trying to be humble, and submitting myself to the Lord's plan for me and not doing things my way, I have my husband, Aaron.
So going into my story, I guess we need to start from the beginning. I'm from California, born and raised in Orange County. I grew up in a suburb called Irvine. It was an awesome place to grow up. And I was born in the covenant. I definitely have goodly parents. I love my mom and dad. They are awesome. Unfortunately, once I got to my Young Women age, about maybe 14 years old, I got involved in a lot of extracurriculars. I think that as you get older, you find passions for things, and you start to get busy. It was hard for me to get to church activities. My mom and dad worked full time, and I had two other siblings, and sometimes it's hard to get to activities. On top of that, I felt like the ward that I grew up in, as amazing as some of the people were, for whatever reason, I didn’t have the best of leaders, and not the best cheerleaders that I would have wanted, and I wish that I had. And so really, my Young Women years started poorly. I will just never forget this. I included this in my email to you guys, just giving you a background. I remember we got to Youth Conference time around the summer, and they were passing out flyers. We were in the Young Women's room, and one of my leaders, which still kind of shocks me to this day, totally just skipped over me, not passing me the flyer. And I said, “Oh. Can I have one?” And she said, “Well, you don't really go to things anyways, so …" kind of insinuating, “Why would I give you one if you don't really come to a lot of the activities anyways?” And I just remember feeling so upset and just so frustrated. And I thought, “Why is it my desire to even be there or see if we can make this work schedule-wise? Why isn't that exciting enough for you as a leader to think, ‘Here you go, I really hope this works out.’?” Instead, it was just the total opposite, “We weren't planning on you coming anyways,” type of a thing, “so why give you one?” When you're at an age of 13, 14, 15, you are just so much like a sponge, you just soak up all of those feelings. Any negative interaction, you really, really hold on to. Even ten years later, I will always remember that. And I remember getting in the car and telling my mom, “I really thought I would want to be there. And after that interaction, I don't want to be there anyways.” I thought, “If you are supposed to be my leader, my cheerleader …” that was just totally not the positive reinforcement type of reaction that I was expecting. It was the complete opposite, and I totally shut down. I just remember telling my mom, “I do not feel welcomed there.” I remember starting to skip the second hour because I thought, “Those are supposed to be my role models, my leaders, my examples? That made me feel like crap. Terrible.” That was definitely just the start of it all for sure.
I just felt like very much getting in my head and doubting my testimony, doubting my efforts, really starting to feel like it didn't matter if I wanted to do certain things, or wanted to exercise some effort in some way, it would never be enough. Because I felt like that was on the receiving end of some of those comments. I felt like it didn't matter if I wanted to go to an activity, for whatever reason, that effort is still not enough because I had missed previous ones. So that was definitely the start of everything going badly, and totally shutting off and starting to lose my standards one by one. I thought, if those are supposed to be my leaders, I don't want any part of that. That did not make me feel good. I knew my Savior would not want me to feel that way, and it was so hard for me to understand why I was having that interaction, because I knew any of those negative feelings don't come from the Savior. It just felt so backwards to me. You know, here I am, a child of God, the same as this woman who was my leader, and I thought, “Why is the Lord letting her treat me like this? I need a good example. I need someone to be excited for me to be there. It definitely hardened my heart immediately. I thought, “You know what? Forget it. I don't want to go anyway, and I don't want to be in an environment that makes me feel that way.”
09:31
Once I finally got into high school, freshman year, I was 14 turning 15. I went to a Catholic school in Southern California. It was an amazing experience being able to learn about the Catholic faith, but it was also a very crucial time for me to be a representative of our faith. Because, obviously, there's not a lot of LDS people who go to Catholic school. In religion class, they would ask, “Who's getting confirmed this year?” And I'd think, “I have no idea what you guys are talking about.” Basically, it was very obvious who was Catholic, who wasn’t. And they would also ask just to see what your background was, just to make the flow of the class a little bit more cohesive for everyone else's level of knowledge about Christianity. People would say, “Oh, Brooke is the Mormon girl,” because back then, it was “Mormon.” It didn't bother me. I was fine with it. But as I was going through that hard time being at church, I just thought it was definitely my time to stand as a witness of Christ, as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. And it was definitely a trial of my faith, to basically realize, do I want to identify with Him? Do I want to be a disciple of Christ? Because, in my place, being pretty much the only girl at a school that is Catholic. I mean, I know what I had signed up for, my parents said, “Hey, no one there is going to be LDS.” I knew, but it did test my faith, especially with some of the trials I was dealing with at church. It was finally that branching out time of my life. I thought, “I've been growing up, and this is what my parents believe. And I believe that too, because I have great parents, and this feels great.” And then, I kind of got some of that freedom into high school to really test the waters of my faith and my relationship with Christ. Sometimes I did feel really alone just with the trials that I was going through. In seminary, I had a very difficult time, as well as Young Women's. I thought, “You know what? I don't know.” And on top of it, people would definitely pester me at school. I remember I had a balloon that said happy birthday, it was my birthday. And they said, “I thought you weren't allowed to celebrate birthdays.” I said, “That's Jehovah's Witnesses, that's not LDS.” And so I did have to stand up for myself. It got to a point where I thought, “Hold on. Do I have a testimony of this stuff? Because I'm definitely having a lot of adversity come my way.” I got to a point where I kind of just wanted to fit in with my peers. I wanted to understand the “why’s.” I was definitely that kid, unfortunately. “Don't touch the stove, it's going to burn you.” “Why?” “I don't know. That's just what happens.” And when it came to, “Don't drink. Drinking is bad,” “Why?” “Because it's bad for your body.” “Well, how do you know that?” That was me. I wish that I wasn't that person, but for whatever reason, I had to make wrong decisions and experiment with not keeping the commandments, to know why I needed to keep them, and why they were so important, and how they are a protection for us.
14:32
I just remember people giving me a hard time and saying, “Oh, you have all these rules.” “Oh, are you sure you can do this?” “You're going to be breaking your rules.” I got to a point where I was so fed up. I’d say, “You know what? I truly don't know why.” And I ended up breaking lots of rules or commandments and things. I can't say I wish I could go back and change those things, but I truly wouldn't, because I have a testimony of why those commandments are so important, because I broke them. The Lord, He let me fall, so I could learn why it was so important to stand my ground. As hard as it is to watch others go through that, it's also just as important to let them fall, let them learn. It's great to let them know, when you see them, that you know life is hard, but also the Savior knows what they're going through.
Through high school, I ended up getting fully immersed into the party crowd. And I wanted to be–I guess you could say, the social girl, the party girl. I definitely ended up being that. I would have parties at my house for New Year’s Eve, and after Homecoming, after Formal, things like that, and they weren't up to the standards of the ways that I should have been living. I was definitely replacing my happiness in the light of Christ that I felt, that wholeness that I felt from going to church–I had replaced that with the things of the world. I definitely let myself feel numb. I would numb myself mostly with alcohol. I was not drinking just to say that I was drinking. I was hurt. I was drinking to forget, drinking, to be numb.
17:19
Fast forward to college. I ended up going to the University of Utah, and I definitely still wanted to be in that party crowd, but I felt like I still had my love for the gospel. I truly feel like the Savior was advocating for me and trying so hard to pull me back and say, “I know you know what is right. I know you know this party life is not your forever happiness. It is not.” I always knew that deep down. I always knew. The morning after I would feel terrible, and that was the first thing I would think of, “This is why I shouldn't be drinking. I feel so sick.” I would just have these realizations of, “This is why.” And as awful as it was, I had been so addicted to this numbness, that I wanted to feel. It was so hard to overcome that desire to just be numb, even though I knew that wasn't going to make me happy forever.
So I was in a sorority my freshman and sophomore year, and I met some great girlfriends. Some of them stood next to me on my wedding day. You can be in any environment, and you can find the good, but you can always find the bad too. Unfortunately, I had still been so conflicted … and I wondered, “Do I identify with my Savior? Do I want to be His disciple?” And then I also had this desire to be of the world. It very much had my soul torn. I wanted to be in the world and of the world. I learned after two years of college you cannot have both. It goes back to that scripture that says, “You cannot serve God and mammon.” You can't have both. And that's what I wanted. I wanted to pick and choose my commandments. I wanted to pick and choose the things that I wanted to obey. And I just remember, I would tell myself, “Brooke, it's not a buffet. The church is a lifestyle. This is a lifestyle.”
20:07
I had learned from my mistakes–two years of high school and two years of college of living this lifestyle, that it was no longer sustainable. That was not my forever happiness. It was not the numbness that I would feel could only last so long. It could only patch up the holes for so long. It could only make me feel afloat for so long, but the happiness that I felt with the Savior, it just lasts forever.
I got to a point where I had made some very difficult decisions, some very hurtful decisions that affected myself, but also my family. I had an incident where I ended up in the hospital. I remember waking up and my mom and my dad were there, and my sister was there. I had so much alcohol in my system, the doctor was basically saying I would feel okay discharging you only under the circumstance that you seek therapy. And as hurtful as it was to wake up and see my parents there, mortified, and see my sister there, mortified, I thought, “This is more than just a me problem. I'm hurting people. I'm hurting my family.” They were scared. They didn't know what my intentions were. With me being in the hospital, they said, “Oh my gosh. How did it get to this point?” My parents had very much been aware of my struggles with it in the first place, but until it got to that severe point of intervening and their saying, “Okay, you need help,” it was really then and there that I realized, I can't do this alone. With the help of my parents, as well as realizing, you know what? My parents knew I was not the same Brooke. I was not the same happy Brooke as I was going to church and being present, but also that my lifestyle was not making me happy, and I wanted to sell that it was. I feel like waking up in that environment, I felt like it was time to stop pretending. No more trying to make a point.
Ashly
When you're talking about this, it's bringing back a lot of memories for me. You mentioned how you would wake up in the morning and just feel like crap. It's almost like a feeling of homesickness or something. It's such an uncomfortable feeling of knowing that this isn't right, and in the moment when you're drinking and partying, it's a feeling of fun and excitement, but you wake up the next day, you see everything for what it really is. It's like this homesick-type feeling.
Brooke
Yeah.
Ashly
You know where you should be. I can relate to that feeling so much.
Brooke
Yeah. It's kind of like, that's honestly the best way to describe it, like a homesickness. I felt like I never should have been here in the first place, but here I am. It was never a good feeling, but I like to think that it was the Savior, telling me, “I know that you know what is right,” and not telling me, “Oh, I told you so,” or, “Oh, this is why.” And it was very much like, “You know what is right. And I will leave the rest to you.” With all of those experiences and reaching that pinnacle … For me, it's still very much a traumatic thing, because I was not very coherent, waking up and seeing my family. But I had a lot of time afterwards, especially with having to go to therapy, and just realizing what is the root cause of all of this. I was very much scared to be the person that the Savior wanted me to be. And I know that kind of sounds weird or odd to some people, but I remember when I was 14, I got my patriarchal blessing, and it said I would go on a mission. And I remember getting in the car afterwards, and telling my mom and dad, “The Lord knows me. Really? There's no way, there's no way. He would know my desires, and he would know that's not one of them. I don't want to go.” That was always one thing in the back of my mind. I thought, “Well, the Lord wants me to be this way.” I have my leaders that would say, “That's not enough.” Or I would come to an activity, and they'd say, “You can't wear that here.” And I would say, “Well, why? I don't know what to tell you.” I was very much scared to submit myself to the Lord's plan that he had for me, because I think as scared as I was being 14 years old, and hearing, oh, “You will serve a full-time mission,” I thought, “That sounds terrifying.” I was so scared. And I thought, “That sounds like a nightmare. I am so scared.” I just immediately disqualified myself from that. I thought, “There's no way.” It just was not one of the things that I felt capable of. Looking back on it, obviously the Lord knew me better than I knew myself, and He knew that that's what I was capable of. Going from confiding in my parents, and them saying, “We knew you weren't happy. You have not been yourself in a really long time. This is not you. Your smile isn't the same. Where did that light go?” I remember being so sad because I knew what they meant, because I had felt that. I felt like my light was gone. It wasn't until I ended up going back to school at the end of my sophomore year that I considered making a change. I thought, “Okay, my parents are checking up on me. I am checking in with myself. I am going to make some goals for myself,” because I got so low, I felt so broken. I felt like not even the Lord would want to fix me.
28:38
There's this video by Elder Holland that's called The Savior Understands Me, and it's one of my favorites. He says, “No one can fall lower than the light of Christ shines.” I would always go back to that. It doesn't matter how low I got. He was still trying to shine on me in any way possible. When I got back to school, I thought, “I need more of Him. I can't do this alone. I will do anything to feel whole again.” That was my biggest thing. I felt broken and I didn't feel whole, and I felt very alone. I had great girlfriends in my life, and I still just felt so alone. So I ended up meeting with my bishop. I went in there, and I just shared everything with him. I said, “Look, I've done this before. I know how this goes. Please don't ask me, ‘What are you here for?’ You name it? Yes. Let's fast forward to the part where I cannot feel this way anymore. I very much said it exactly like that, like, “Please don't ask me what sin,” I said. “I have not been worthy for a very long time. So let's not play any games. I need to start over.”
He said, “I can already tell you have done a lot of repenting by being so hard on yourself.” I kind of had a hard time with that, because, culture-wise, I feel like you hear other people's repentance story and they might say, “Oh, I did this, and that cost me six months,” or whatever. And I just thought, “This repentance journey is going to take me forever.” And he said, “Brooke, you need to forgive yourself, and I'm so proud of you for coming and wanting to start over again.” I never had anyone tell me that. He was just so proud of me for reaching out. And for the first time, I felt like the smallest action from me, was enough. I really do feel like he just took me in, the same way the Savior would. And he said, “You know what? I understand how hard it is.” And what was interesting was he was actually in Greek Life at the University of Utah, and his wife was in Greek Life at the University of Utah. He said, “I understand. I know this time in your life is really, really difficult. And I am proud of you for trying to start over again; that is not an easy thing to do.” So we set some goals, and I tried keeping those goals, and we met every week for about two months. Every week we would just check in, and he would just ask how I was doing. And I guess this entire time of thinking about, you know, my coming back, with the name of your podcast, my coming back was never about leaving the church. I never took my name out, nothing like that. But for me, it was coming back to the Savior. And coming to terms with letting Him walk with me every day of my life. I had tried so hard to keep Him out of it that I realized, I'm much happier with Him in it. I would rather Him walk with me and go through some uncomfortable things, but because He knows I can handle it. I tried meeting those goals that my bishop had set for me. I got to a point where I think we were maybe three months into our meetings, and he said, “Okay, what's your next goal?” And I said, “I would like to get back to the temple. I haven't gone to the temple in years.” He said, “You know what? That's a great goal.” And then I remember him saying, “How about February? Does February sound like a good time? Do you think you can keep this momentum until February?” And I said, “Yeah, I can do this.” And this entire time I was going to church. I lived in a house with four girls, and we would go to church. It was like a university ward, and a lot of people hop around, so not every Sunday did I have the company of one of my roommates, which was totally fine. I think this actually made me stronger–waking up, showing up by myself, and staying, even though I was by myself. Looking back on it, I don't even really remember being alone. I didn't feel alone during this entire process of turning back to Him. I wasn't feeling alone anymore, and I wasn't scared to go by myself. I got my recommend back, and I went to the temple by myself, and I never felt alone. I ended up being the happiest that I had ever been, and I was just so excited about having that light come back within me that I kind of just wanted to scream it from the rooftops: “I feel changed! I feel whole.”
I remember my mom saying, “The Savior knows how hard you're working. He knows the effort that you're putting in to include Him in your life.” And as hard as it was, I don't know, I started going through this time where I thought, “Okay, no more half-way in, half-way out.” I'm investing all this time going to the temple. I had lost a lot of friends in that process. I was 100% committed to leaving that lifestyle behind. And to do that, I unfortunately did have to end some friendships. Even with that, I didn't really feel alone. I kind of got to a point where I had felt so changed that I felt–it sounds funny, but it kind of felt like a miracle. There are a lot of LDS stereotypes that make it seem hard to fit in. Things like that would definitely get to my head. I had been so overwhelmed with my testimony of repentance and becoming whole.
There's something that I love about the word Atonement [in English]: if you break it up, it's “AT - ONE - ment,” which means unity. I just love that.
I finally felt like one human being. I felt like me, I felt like Brooke, and I just wanted to tell everyone about it. I would go on splits with the missionaries. I would say, “This is so awesome.” I was so overwhelmed with change and how happy that I had been. I had really felt the difference of a life without His hand and a life with it. And I just started to have these feelings of wanting to tell people about how it is never too late to start over. I remember just being so overwhelmed with this feeling, there were so many words I wanted to keep sharing. I went to my bishop, and I remember being very reluctant to share with him my feelings. I asked him, “What do I do with this? Do I go on a mission? Can I do that?” Because I truly thought, and I had heard, “If you do certain things, you can never be a missionary, and you have to be in this certain mold.” Unfortunately, I totally bought into that. So I asked my bishop, “Am I allowed? Am I qualified?” And he was just so loving. And he asked me, “Have you ever read Preach My Gospel?” I answered, “Yeah, actually, I have.” And he said, “Okay, I want you to go home. I want you to read chapter six, which is about the attributes of Jesus Christ, and how to develop those attributes. I want you to read that chapter, and then come back to me, and tell me what you think.” I said, “Okay.” I go home. I read it. The week goes by, I come back. He asked, “So, what did you think?” I said, “I thought it was great. I definitely think I have some work I need to do.” And he said, “Well, I already think you have a lot of attributes of Jesus Christ, and I think you would be a great missionary.” I just remember reacting the same way I'm reacting now. I remember being shocked. I guess I never really was too far away from the Savior. There's no sin too bad, there's no distance too far from the Savior that can disqualify you from preaching your story, telling your testimony. And he just said, “I think you would be a great missionary.” I was shook. I was definitely feeding into the stereotypes that, unfortunately, the LDS culture had kind of led some other peers of mine to really believe you had to be a certain kind of person to be a missionary, or you had to look a certain way. Which is why I was very quick to think that I would not be allowed to go. I truly thought that. And he was just so kind and so quick. And basically was just like, “Let's do this! Let's go!” He said, “You have fully repented, and you are really hard on yourself, and you have put in the effort. And the Lord sees you. You have had that change of heart. You have been converted to the Lord, and that is why you want to share this story like you want to. You want to share your testimony.” And I said, “Yes. That is all I want to do.” Right then and there, he opened my papers, and I didn't tell a soul, because I was scared of what other people would think. I told one person–well, I did tell some people. I told my mom and dad, but I did not tell extended family. I told a really close family friend of mine. I said, “Hey, you know, I've been going through a lot of change recently, and I have decided I want to go on a mission.” I was so taken back by his reaction. It kind of reminded me of my Young Women's experience. He said, “Brooke, you know this isn't a study abroad, right?”
Ashly
Oh my gosh.
Brooke
I thought, “I will do this by myself. I am not letting anyone else tell me otherwise.” I remember being so upset. I realized, if you have good news, be careful who you share that good news with. For whatever reason, he didn't think it was good news. He said, “Brooke, you'll be back in two weeks.” I was so hurt. I just went back to what the Savior told me when I was 14 years old, that I would go on a mission. I thought, “You know what? I guess He was right, so I will do this.”
Ashly
That’s what I was thinking, during that whole build up, I was thinking about your blessing.
Brooke
Yeah. I thought, “You know what? No.” And I wouldn't tell people after that. I know they didn't mean anything with ill intent whatsoever, but I think there's very much a stigma or stereotype with the LDS church in certain customs, especially with missions. I remember saying it to another family friend, that we were waiting for my call, so at this point people did know. And I still said, “Dude, enough with this stereotype stuff.” She said, “I feel like you'll go to a visitor center.” And I asked, “Why? What are you saying?” She said, “Because that's where they take, you know, the cute girls,” or whatever. And I was like, “What is wrong? What?” And I was just very taken back by it. And I thought, “Oh my gosh.” Like, “Okay, the Lord knows what I'm capable of, He'll send me where he sends me.”
Ashly 45:27
Yeah.
Brooke
I remember waiting for my call. It took a really long time to get it, and I posted it on my Instagram. And I had very much been keeping quiet this entire time. I was going into my junior year of college, and like I said, I lost a lot of friends. I had to do a lot of self worth work on my end. I wasn't really using social media too much, and so–no joke–the day I got my call, I posted, “Surprise! I'm going on a mission!” and I had people sending me all kinds of direct messages. It doesn't sound like a lot, but I had about 20 people screenshot my announcement saying that I was going on a mission. And I thought, “I know what they're doing. They're sending it to people.”
Ashly
Mmhmm.
Brooke
I had one guy that was involved in Greek Row respond to my story, and I will forever remember this. He said, “I didn't even know you were LDS.” That struck me to my core. That was when I was really aware of just how far I let myself drift away from the Savior, and I left Him out on purpose, because it wasn't always that way. There used to be that light that I was talking about. So I was also very taken back by that. So a total full-circle moment, I went on my mission. I served a full-time mission. So, yes.
Ashly
There you go.
Brooke
To the haters, my mission was not at Temple Square, not at a visitors’ center, but I went to Chile. I went to Chile, Concepcion, speaking Spanish. It was the best. Being a missionary, my most important convert was myself. I had success on my mission, but my most important convert was myself, my own testimony.
Close to the end of my mission, I think I had about six months left, I got an email from some random Gmail. I thought, “What?” And I remember I had this elder sitting next to me, looking over my shoulder, because as missionaries, it's like, “What are you doing?” We make sure everyone's not doing anything crazy, right? We were in the Family History Center. So I get this curious email, and he asked, “Did my companion just email you?” And I said, “What?” He said, “Yeah, Elder Meyer just emailed you.” And I said, “No way. That's who this is?” because, as missionaries, I didn't know his companion’s first name. So I said, “Oh. No way,” but I decided I would respond. It was nothing crazy–he had gone to our mission reunion. He said, “Oh, they showed photos of who will be at the next reunion, and you were in that group of photos.” And he thought, “Oh, I wonder how she is.” We had never talked. And I thought, “Oh my gosh, okay.” He emailed me every Preparation day until I came home. I did date other people, but I was still going on dates with him, and then I realized I only liked my dates with him. And then that turned into about two and a half years of us dating, and then we got engaged, and then we got married. And as a total full circle, very ironic, now I'm a Young Women's leader.
Ashly
I love that, so much. That part of your email just, I thought, “Yes, I love it.” Isn't it interesting to see how the Lord works things out?
Brooke
Yeah, I truly think, I don't know. After going through all that stuff and being where I am now, I say, “You can't tell me He does not have a sense of humor.”
Ashly
Yes.
Brooke
I'm thinking, “Okay, I get it. You were right.” My time of turning my back on the Lord, I will totally admit that I did it, that's what it was. What I tell my young women now is, “Be the reason why someone wants to know Christ, because they know you.”
Ashly
Wow. That is so cool.
Brooke
The reason why I tell them that is because I got to a point where someone didn't even know how I felt about the Savior. They didn't even think I was LDS. They didn't even think I incorporated him in my life. When that guy responded by saying, “I didn't even know you were LDS,” I was so hurt, but I also thought, that must have been the betrayal the Lord felt from me. The same way I felt like I had kicked Him out, so far away that no one would have ever guessed. And I tell my young women that was way too far away. I was the last person that they would have guessed would go on a mission, and even be allowed, according to some people. Another huge thing that I reiterate a lot with my other leaders in the Young Women presidency is that the church is perfect and the members are not–allow them to be imperfect.
Ashly
Yes, yeah. I love that.
Brooke
52:55
And let them make mistakes. It's very, very hard to not let that affect your testimony. I very much just closed down, like 100%, but at the end of the day, there is a special spirit by being in the congregation, by going and renewing your covenants and starting over every Sunday. From being so far away for so long from the Savior, it is such a blessing to be able to start over whenever, but also every Sunday. And so I tell my young women, “Don't go to church for me. Sure if you want to go for your girlfriends, do it, but at the end of the day, stay true to what keeps you happy and stay true to what you know about the Lord. He gets you, and He knows you. It is never, ever too late to start over. You are never too far away. You are never too low that He can't reach you. There is nothing He can't fix.” It definitely took some humbling for me to realize that He knows me better than I know myself. That is the number one thing that I've learned with all of this: He has always had a divine destiny for me. He has always had this mapped out. I had to go to some terrible dark places and hurt a lot of people to have a testimony of some of our most important commandments. If it means saving others from heartbreak, and putting strain on friends, or just friendships and family relationships, if it means sharing my testimony, I will do that, because I obviously had to go through that to get my testimony.
I used to be very, very ashamed of my actions and my previous mistakes, and as I've grown up, I just think that without that, my life would not be the way that it is. So now I don't care.
Ashly
Yeah.
Brooke
I remember going on my second date with my husband. I said, “Look, I am not innocent. Okay? I'm gonna tell you some stuff. That's not who I am anymore, but I have gone through a lot of tough challenges, okay? And if you want a typical innocent girl who just hasn't done certain things, unfortunately, that's not me. And, I have learned a lot about the Atonement. I have a crazy strong testimony because of it. And if you're okay with how I got that testimony, great.” Some people would hate that,
Ashly
Yeah.
Brooke
and unfortunately, some people don't like the way that others have to learn stuff. And sadly, I made decisions that other people would be very upset with. Or, you know, they would never want to have a partner who made certain decisions, or who drank, or whatever. And I said, “Yeah, sorry, that's not me. So if you're okay with that, awesome.” And he said, “I know the person you're describing is not the person I'm talking to right now.” And said, “I'm just taking you as you are, and I think you're awesome. I think your testimony is awesome.” I just kind of shared everything, and said, “Look, I've gone through some stuff.” Okay, skip to now. We're both active in our callings, and we live downtown. My mission, serving in Chile, and definitely achieving my own conversion, I’m 100% converted to the Lord. I definitely live the life that the Lord would have wanted for me. I'm really happy. I'm so proud of that change that I made. Through it all, I know a lot of people say they don't think people can change. I say, “Well, then you've never seen the changes the Savior can make, because that's like saying his Atonement doesn't apply to you.” I have definitely been changed for the better.
Ashly
I love that.That is just such a beautiful testimony of the Savior's atoning sacrifice. Throughout your whole story, I can relate so much. Like how you said, just the part where you're talking about how you were changed and it was a miracle. It is so incredible to hear your story, because it's an illustration of how it can be as if it never happened. You know what I mean?
Brooke
Yeah.
Ashly
You're talking about that girl, that's just not who you are. I can relate to that so much. I just, I love that. I loved hearing about the contrast between the people in your story who were members of the church that affected your testimony in a negative way, but then you have this good bishop who helped you heal and worked through that with you. And I loved what you said about how we have to leave room for them to just be human.
Brooke
Yeah.
Ashly
Because people are just people inside and outside of the church.
Brooke
Yeah.
Ashly
They make mistakes and say dumb things. I'm sure that leader–who knows for sure?--but maybe, looking back, she's thinking, “Oh no. Why did I say that? That was not cool.” So you never know. I don't know. I think it's also important to remember to be careful of the things that you do and say, because sometimes people remember those for the rest of their life, right?
Brooke
Oh yeah, totally. And what you were saying–as drastic as my change was, what's funny is telling my story now, and I will have some people who say, “I just don't see it. I just can't imagine you like that.” I say, “Well, believe it.”
Ashly
Yeah. I know right there with you.
Brooke Meyer 1:01:21
Yeah, He just also just changes the nature of your heart, and the way you carry yourself. The same way that I had someone just think I didn't even have Christ involved in my life, because he didn't even know I was LDS, I feel like it's a total turnaround if now, people say, “I just can't even see you living a life like that.” I definitely can say I have a very strong testimony of repentance and change and starting over, even if it means a few times. I kind of did have to start over a few times, but the best feeling is just letting the Lord walk with you every day. If you do that, I just know you will never feel alone. I lost a lot of friends, but I never really felt alone the entire time. I know He walked with me every step of the way.
Ashly
I love that.
Brooke
But thank you so much for letting me just share everything.
Ashly
Oh yeah.
Brooke
And I'm glad you were able to relate. I feel like I very much related to your testimony and your just coming back to the church and, you know, letting Him into your life. It's a really, really hard thing to do. And I think what makes it harder is in the process, you feel like no one else is also doing it in that moment in time. So it's really special that you've created this space where people can remind others that you're not the only one, and you are not exempt from His love and from His reach. And you can always come back! I did it, you did, it doesn't matter if you have a whole village behind you. You can do it alone, too. Doesn't make it any easier, but you have the Lord to walk with you every step of the way. So kudos to you for even making this podcast and having the courage to share other people's journeys, because there's a lot of believers, but there's a lot of adversary out there.
Ashly Stone 1:04:16
Yeah. There totally is. Well, thank you so much, Brooke, thank you.
Brooke
Yeah.
Ashly
Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your story. I know that sometimes it's hard to talk about the truth of your past with thousands of people that will hear this.
Brooke
Yeah.
Ashly
You're brave and your vulnerability will be such a gift to so many people. So thank you so much for coming on the podcast.
Brooke
Thank you.
Ashly
You're awesome. Thank you.
