CONTENT WARNING: This episode contains sensitive content that may be triggering or offensive to some audiences. Parental discretion is advised.
"It doesn't matter if it's a baby step or if we are sprinting. He just cares that we are moving forward so that He can bless us. I was standing still and allowed dark thoughts to creep in and lose faith in my Heavenly Father. But the moment I took that step I was flooded with all these blessings."
Come Back Podcast
Transcript
ALAN
0:00
Well, you know Alan Price, 40, I'll be 44 this year. Been married for 22 wonderful years to the love
of my life and we've got an 11-year-old boy that is our absolute miracle but we'll get into that. We'll have to give my little brother a shout out, Craig. He's the one that talked to me about your podcast because...
ASHLY
Oh yay!
ALAN
Of course, he knows my story. He's like, "Hey, you've got to listen to this 'Come Back podcast.'" And Ashly, I'll tell you, we've listened to the podcast every time we're in the car as a family. That's what we listen to.
ASHLY
Yay, that makes me happy.
ALAN
Yeah, we spent 11 hours driving to D.C. and back and we listened to the podcast the whole time.
ASHLY
Oh my gosh, that just makes me so happy. Thank you for being a supporter.
ALAN
Yeah, most definitely. And I think the reason why we relate to it, as well, is just what we went through together and you know as a husband and a wife. The thing is I have two wonderful loving parents. My dad was raised in the gospel, my mom was a convert at the age of 16, lived in South Carolina and just is like, "Hey, if I'm going to join this church, I'm going to be all involved," and she moved across the country and went to Ricks College when it was Ricks, and met my dad. And you know, I'm one of 7 kids, a big family, lot of love and was raised in the gospel, you know, had -- I can remember having a testimony of the gospel at a very young age and understanding and knowing that, hey, that this is true. And where my story kind of gets off track or different is that we moved from Utah to northern California when my dad, after the he worked for Hercules when they were making the parts for the space, and the ship exploded. And so, they did a bunch of layoffs and so my dad went to work for a company in northern California. While we were there, you know, there isn't members of the church everywhere. It's just completely different being outside of the Utah norm when it comes to the church. And knowing that hey, wait a minute, I'm the minority now. There's not a whole lot of exposure and you know I got baptized, got the priesthood, all that stuff, you know, as you do growing up in the gospel and the home where it's truly gospel-centered. But, like I shared within that e-mail, Ashly, is that our neighbor had happened to give my brother and I a whole box of comics. As I'm sorting through one there's a pornographic comic, and that was that exposure you know for me. You know with that being a 13, 14-year-old kid never being seen that, you know that kind of is like, wait a minute, I'm feeling things I've never felt before--seeing things.
ASHLY
Yeah, one thing my husband, he always says is that he remembers hearing a talk that said it's not if you run into pornography, it's when you run into pornography, for young men.
ALAN
Yep. And not only young men but just it's everywhere. You think back this is probably late '80s, you know, when this happened and it's just something that I didn't expose my brothers to, didn't talk to my parents about it. It's just kind of one of those things that – and that's my biggest problem, come to find out through all of this, is I internalized all this stuff and don't talk about it. I don't allow myself to share that. I just suffer in silence. And you know and so you know you're exposed to that, you go back, you continue to be exposed to that. You know I struggle with it at times there's just no doubt about it. Pornography, I've struggled with it and still advanced through the priesthood, though, you know but then my senior year of high school just before my parents moved us to Utah. So, I go from northern California, then I go to Utah and it's just absolute culture shock for me, absolute culture shock. And you know, you know wonderful things have come out of that, like meeting my beautiful wife that's sitting right here. But in that, I really had lost a desire to want to serve a mission. You know, just had no intent. I, you know, my brother went out on his mission a year late. He was 21 when he went out. You know I had a girlfriend, thought I was in love, had a really good job and I just didn't want to go. That was not something that was a priority to me anymore, and looking back at it now it's just having that struggle of feeling that ultimate of being unworthy of what I've seen, you know what you've done. Of course, that leads to being promiscuous with girls and stuff like that. You know you talk about the first base, second base, third base stuff, none of that home run stuff of course but still put yourself in a position that you just don't feel worthy. And so, the easiest thing for me at that time was I'm just going to ignore it. I'm going to put on a face and go like I'm going through the motions like many people have talked about on your podcast. And this is where I'm going to get emotional and I apologize. Heavenly Father had different plans for me. I mean, how is it that as an 18-year-old kid, I happened to have a CTR ring on my left middle finger. Two minutes before I'm supposed to get off the clock, my supervisor asked me for my paperwork and so I climb up the outside of the scaffolding, Ashly, and I jump. And my middle finger on my left hand, I ripped everything off the bone, pulled the tendon and piece of muscle out.
ASHLY
Oh my gosh, and I saw your e-mail address and I was like he owns that, man. He owns it.
ALAN
Yeah, and you have to, and you'll see behind me that that's the pictures of the Savior's hands. Because they just mean so much to me now. And so, Ashly, you don't think about it. I passed out with pain, my dad had to make that difficult decision of, "What do I do for my son?" You know, "How do I give him the best quality of life?" And the doctor's like, "Hey, his best quality of life is going to amputate it." So, they amputated it and you know did some wonderful work, you can hardly tell. But where the story gets really cool, the miracle about it is that my dad says, "Son, I know you're struggling. But what are you going to do with your life? What do you want to do?" And at that point I said, "Dad, I don't know." And my dad tosses a Book of Mormon at me and says, "Son you need to figure this out." You know so had some good discussions with my sister. My older sister who I loved dearly who, we served missions at the same time but I got myself clean, went and talked to my bishop, did everything I needed to do to be able to serve a mission. And the miraculous part about it, and like I shared in my story is that they weren't going to let me go unless I could get released from my doctor. And my stake president in my interview says, "Alan, if you're meant to go your Heavenly Father will provide a way." And for a doctor to release me at five months is just unreal. Unreal for that to happen and it happened March 17th on St. Patrick's Day of' 98. I was in the MTC I think it was August 2nd or 3rd. It's just crazy how Heavenly Father, he has a plan for all of us and he's going to provide a way, but with my stubbornness my Heavenly Father has to kick me.
ASHLY
Yeah.
ALAN
And he has to and I've come to terms with that, that there's times I have to be kicked to get moving, and like I talked about in my e-mails had a lot of wonderful experiences on my mission and the one that I'd like to share most about, because it ties to losing a finger is that, Ashly, I knocked on a door one day. And here's this little boy that answers the door, had to be five or six years old and I looked down at his hands and he's only got four fingers on his left hand.
ASHLY
Oh my.
ALAN
10:00
He was born without his thumb. And so they took his index finger and moved it, surgically moved it to his thumb and someone whose had this happen you just notice all this stuff, right? And so here I am just crouched down talking to this little boy and talking about, "Hey, look. I've got four fingers too. It's okay." And it opened up the opportunity for me to teach the gospel to this family. Who would have thought that losing a finger would put me in a position to where I would be able to teach the gospel to a family and to start them on the path to returning to live with their Heavenly Father? I mean that's just crazy, right?
ASHLY
It is crazy.
ALAN
It's just crazy to think that our -- that those things happen, you know, and that's just one part of the story and what goes on. And finished out my mission, you know, the last six months of my mission, my wife and I now got really pretty serious. I "Dear Janed" the girl that I was dating before I wrote her off and said I had enough. At the end of the day, I knew who I was meant to marry. I knew that I had to marry my wife Michelle because there isn't a single other person alive on this earth that was going to make me a better man. And I knew that. What's funny is I told her little sister before I left, I said, "Hey, don't tell anybody, but when I come home off my mission, I'm going to marry your sister." So, we did. You know I came home, we got married. I got home in August; we were married in February. Got married in the Logan temple. You know and I was doing really good, wasn't struggling with pornography, had gone through the repentance process with that, you know, served an honorable mission and had a really good time but we weren't expecting the fact that we wouldn't be able to have kids. And that's where this story gets to the suicide piece for me. This is where my path starts down the fact of not feeling worthy. Not feeling like I'm really a son of my Heavenly Father. We went 11 years before we got our miracle baby. So, we moved to southern California. We were active. We were, you know, attending our callings and doing all that. We'd been married that first year. You know you get those, "Hey, you're a newlywed, when are you going to start a family?" And we're like, "We are. We are." Right? One year goes by, two years go by, three years go by. Oh wait, you still don't have kids. At this time, we know something's wrong.
ASHLY
Yeah.
ALAN
My wife has a history in her family of PCOS, polycystic ovarian syndrome, to where their hormones aren't balanced to where they produce the hormones they need to have eggs grow. It's just part of, you know, hereditary, but what we didn't know is the impact that I'd have in that process, and to know that at some point in my life my hips got off, a half of an inch off of each other and my whole left side pinched the bottom three nerve endings that go to my reproductive system and we didn't know.
ASHLY
Wow.
ALAN
And so, my wife and I, as we were discussing before, we did this, is trying to understand the timeline and it doesn't matter so much the timeline but the doctors in C where we live were like, "Hey, you guys will never have kids." But at this time, I never registered the impact that I had in this. And then, we moved back to Utah. At this time, you know we're going to church. We moved back to Utah but I distinctly remember that we're driving back from the doctor's office and the doctor was very clear and specific with me and says, "Alan you're part of the problem. Michelle is fixable through medication, but there's nothing we can do for you."
ASHLY
Wow.
ALAN
And I'm telling you, Ashly, that was the first moment that I ever thought about killing myself. That I truly felt that I was not worthy to be a son of my Heavenly Father. It was the first time I ever had doubts that I was loved, and it was the first time that I felt like that me not being on the earth was the best thing to do for my wife. And at the same time, believe it or not, is that I got moved to the weekend shift with work. I work for Wal-Mart. We didn't talk about it, 19 years working with Wal-Mart logistics, but I went to work on the weekends. Well, how simple is that? You're struggling because you're taught in the, gospel, I remember, hey you go through the priesthood you serve a mission. You get married in the temple and you have kids, right? That's what happens. That's what we're taught to do. And I couldn't provide that for her and then you add the fact that I'm working weekends. Ashly, then not going to church every Sunday. That's when I spiralled out of control. To the point that my wife now talks about that she goes, "Alan, I thought for sure you were cheating on me." But it wasn't that, it was I was struggling to stay alive. Absolutely struggling to stay alive. To the point, Ashly, that we're driving back from family and we get to Saltair and we get in this huge argument about kids. She wants to continue and I've had enough because I'm barely staying afloat. At this point I've tried to kill myself two or three times in a car.
ASHLY
15:50
Did your wife have any idea about that?
ALAN
None. She had zero idea what was going on, Ashly. Suffering in silence was my thing.
ASHLY
Yeah.
ALAN
So, we're at Saltair and we're in that humongous fight. I get out of the car and I slam it and I'm walking on the freeway and she's following, I don't know 10, 15 feet behind with flashers on and, Ashly, I'm saying some horrible things to my Heavenly Father. I am so mad, so fuming, screaming, cussing, just, I don't want to be here. I don't want to be alive, don't put me through this. I can't do this. I can't give her what she's always wanted to be, was to be a mom and I can't give that to her. There's nothing that hurts more than not being able to give the person you love the most what they want the most. And it just, it hurt. We get into the infertility and we meet this beautiful man and he was the head of the infertility department at the University of Utah. And he sits us down and he says, "If you were my daughter and, Alan, you were my son-in-law I would tell you guys let's do some artificial inseminations first before we go through the invitro process." And he goes, "Let's do five of these, and let's see how we do." And of course, I had doubts. Michelle's gung-ho, let's do this. So we do four of them unsuccessful and how disheartening is it because you go in, it's scheduled, you go in for your ultrasound and then you say, "Hey all right, looks like you've got a follicle big enough. Let's go Alan. Go give your, you know, your sample." And they, I'm sitting next to her, they inject her with a syringe and we find out two weeks later. It's just this rigid--it's on these emotions and all your families know what you're doing and then it's the letdown of when it doesn't work.
ASHLY
Yeah.
ALAN
Again, that drives me -- I'm just getting darker and darker and darker in this process. And so, my wife is inspired. That's all I'll say is that she's inspired. She says, "Hey, let's go to Seattle." I'm a diehard Seattle Seahawks fan. So, she buys tickets for the New Years game. That's right around there and at this time, Ashly, I'm like I want a divorce I want to kill myself, all those thoughts because I can't go through this anymore.
ASHLY
Uh-huh.
ALAN
So we're there, we're in Seattle, we have a really good time we work on each other. Feeling better at that moment, right? You're on that high, you feel good, comes the suicide aspect of stuff. She's like, "Hey, I want to try one more time." I'm just like, "Why are we going back? Why are we putting ourselves back through this? Why are we doing this to ourselves when we know we can't have these kids?" And she's just like, "Alan, I need to and I'm going to do it without you or not." And she did. She did it without me. She had the medication. She didn't have to go to the doctor. She did the medication on her own. And I don't know and I can't remember how she got me to go. She got me to go to the doctor's office with her. And you see the nurse and she just is like you could see it on her face that it's not good. And so, a woman's egg, the follicle has to be over 20 whatever millimeters, centimeters, whatever, for it to actually release. Well, they tell us it's the 13, and again it goes back to that devastation part of it. And he's like, "Just come back," and the doctor is begging us, "Just come back, come back." And three days and Michelle can see that I'm just not happy. And she's bawling, in tears, and just not, you know, not okay. And I'm just like whatever we're in it this far, let's go. Well guess what? Three days later, guess what happens? Her egg is 23.
ASHLY
Oh my gosh.
ALAN
48 hours, 36 hours later we're in that doctor's office and they inject her with, you know, my sperm. Literally two weeks later we find out we're pregnant.
ASHLY
Wow.
ALAN
And Ashly, this whole time the doctors gave us a 5 percent chance of this working.
ASHLY
Oh my gosh.
ALAN
Again, prayers are answered, right. And then there's that high again and of course I'm still struggling, wife still has no idea that I want to commit suicide, that I don't want to be alive, that anytime we have these arguments that it brings that back up. She has no idea. We go through the pregnancy. The pregnancy was rough. She was sick the whole time. It was rough but we have Gage. I get myself; we go talk to the bishop and I don't share that I'm struggling with suicide but I don't have an issue with alcohol, drugs. I didn't have that issue so he's like, "Yeah, sure you can bless your son. That's great." So, I get to bless my son which is a great thing but unbeknownst to my wife because she has no idea what I'm dealing with. I got put on the back burner. Here's this mom that has been nothing but wanting to be a mom. Of course, she's going to throw all her love and attention into this child, right?
ASHLY
Yep.
ALAN
But I'm struggling. And I spiral right back out of control again. I'm driving on the freeway. We get in a fight and I'm heading toward the brick wall, the median, I'm heading toward it. The last-minute Heavenly Father says, "Alan you've got a wife and kid at home." At the last second, Ashly, I pull out and I'm fishtailing on the freeway. The last second Heavenly Father reminds me what I have. But that was a turning point. At that point we're five, six years in, and she's like, "What is wrong with you?" And I finally told her. I finally told her that I don't want to be alive. I'm sick of being second place. I'm sick and tired of that I don't feel like I matter to you, that you got what you wanted, that I'm on the back burner and I'm like Michelle, I'm so sick and tired of feeling this way and I don't want to do this anymore. But that was the moment that we started healing. Because I'd been carrying that burden for six, five, six years by now all by myself. Nobody knew. We didn't tell any family. We were embarrassed. I was embarrassed. You know, I didn't want any additional focus put on me. One, I've only got nine fingers, that's noticeable. It gets talked about. Two, when you've been married 11 years and you don't have kids and you walk into church and what do you get every time you walk in? Why don't you have kids? What's wrong? You should try this or you should just be relaxed. You know people are so insensitive when it comes to that stuff. They don't know. They don't know. I mean infertility 11, 12 years ago was a taboo. You just didn't talk about it. It wasn't a mainstream thing that people talk about. The other piece that helped me on my healing path back to the gospel was when we moved out of Utah. I couldn't be there and feel the darkness every time I drove by Saltair to go see family or anytime I drove by to see where that spot on the freeway where I tried to take my life this time and then the other road on this time, right. All those times that you constantly are just having this reminder is you're trying to heal.
ASHLY
Yeah.
ALAN
You know and my beautiful wife, being inspired as she is, praying to how she can help me said, "Alan what triggers this? What triggers you wanting to kill yourself?" I don't know. She goes, "Well the next time you feel that way let's talk about it." And guess what? I'm driving home from work one day and we just get into it and I'm like, "Look, stop yelling at me. You can't talk to me when I drive. I just want to kill myself right now." And we come to find out that when -- as we talk back, anytime that I was in a car and we were arguing or something was -- that's when I would feel it the most. Well, come back, when's the first time I ever thought about killing myself? Where was it?
ASHLY
In the car.
ALAN
I was in the car. So, we figured out that for me to not have that, that we don't talk while Alan's driving. We just don't. We tried music. Music didn't work, silence didn't work, and so it has to be a book, a podcast something, it has to be something that keeps my mind active when I drive. That's all I'll listen to when we drive is something like that and I know now that I have to in order to keep my brain active in that stuff so that I don't have those reoccurring thoughts and stuff that are going to it.
ASHLY
25:38
During all of this time that you're going through your, you know, dealing with the suicidal ideation, you're struggling with all of this. Were you, and I know you were working on Sunday-- what was your – what was your testimony of the church at, at that point? Where was that at? Was it just completely gone, and also your wife, was she still attending church or where was she at, at that time?
ALAN
That's a great question. I think for me I was so frustrated with my Heavenly Father in this whole process that at this point in my life, Ashly, I would say I didn't have a belief in a Heavenly Father.
ASHLY
Okay.
ALAN
And I struggled with that, with knowing that if he really did love me and I've done what he's asked me to do, why in the world is he putting me through this pain and anguish. You know there would be thoughts about that but it's like you know what? And at this time, Ashly, we're not active. She never lost her testimony but as a wife she's like I don't know what's wrong with my husband at that point, at that time she didn't. We were working weekends. It was just easy to not go. She'd go every once in a while, but at the end of the day it just wasn't important. There was no reading scriptures there was no prayers. There was none of that. I mean I had no desire to do that. And that's a great question because when we moved from Utah to Arkansas I went to, was working weekends again so we still weren't going to church.
ASHLY
My uncle moved to Arkansas and worked for Wal-Mart and he was like the head of HR for Wal-Mart, and it's funny because he lived in Arkansas too.
ALAN
That's awesome.
ASHLY
He worked there for like 20 years so -- interesting. I wonder if you guys were there at the same time?
ALAN
What's his name?
ASHLY
Jared Egbert.
ALAN
I know Jared Egbert.
ASHLY
You're kidding me. You know him?
ALAN
He was my HR partner when I worked in Grantsville. I know Jared.
ASHLY
Oh my gosh.
ALAN
What a small world is that? My wife's laughing because she knows who he is too.
ASHLY
Oh my gosh. So, he -- his wife, Dana, is like my dad's sister but they took me in when I was on drugs.
ALAN
That's who took you in?
ASHLY
Yep, and let me live with them.
ALAN
That's the aunt and uncle you talk about. No way. In Arizona?
ASHLY
Arizona.
ALAN
Because that's where their regional office was.
ASHLY
Yep.
ALAN
That's so crazy.
ASHLY
Can you believe that?
ALAN
That is crazy.
ASHLY
Well, I'm glad I brought it up.
ALAN
Yeah, I am too. That's crazy.
ASHLY
Okay.
ALAN
Yeah, no you're good. So, I'm still working weekends. You know we're not going. I get moved to the weekday shift and Michelle, out of the blue, like hey why don't we go? Why don't we go? Okay. The weirdest thing okay let's go. We walk in and it was the coldest feeling ever. It was horrible, Ashly. It was horrible. Nobody said a word to us. Nobody said hi to us. We hung out after to try to -- and nobody said a word.
ASHLY
Oh my.
ALAN
We walked out. I never went back. Michelle tried to go one other time. Same thing. It was cold.
ASHLY
Uh-huh.
ALAN
Well, at this point, you know by this point you know haven't gone for this, had this feeling. I had a few beers at this point. Again, unbeknownst to us, our Heavenly Father is still blessing us. I get promoted to the assistant general manager area for a facility in Hopkinsville, Kentucky. And we decide to move across the state line because it's just exit 1 in Tennessee, in Clarksville, Tennessee. Well I get there in March of 2018, well Michelle and Gage don't join me until July. We have no idea how our records got transferred. No clue. We didn't tell anybody we moved. Nothing.
ASHLY
Wow.
ALAN
I just so happened to rent the house, site unseen. We hadn't even seen the inside. And I'm working because the building we're going to turn around. While Michelle and Gage weren't with me, right across from the hotel is an O'Charley's. Well at the end of a long, long day I would go sit at O'Charley's at the bar, eat, and I would have an angry orchard, right, and that was my drink of choice at the time. I would have one, maybe two, but that's it, I mean nothing drastic, never gotten drunk at that time but I'd have a few, but here's where the come back to the gospel comes into play because at this point, I pretty much have healed from a, from the suicide aspect of it. It had been a few years since I've actually had the, had an actual attempt. Have there been moments where you think about it? Yeah, but an actual attempt, it had been a few years. I felt like I got that pretty much under control with us figuring out our triggers. So, we move, we're in Tennessee we're in Clarksville and, low and behold, missionaries knock on our door. You know, we're friendly. I served a mission, gonna be nice and gonna let them in.
31:20
And Elder Smith, if you listen to this buddy, it's all your fault that I'm back in the gospel, is he point-blank looks me in the eye and goes, "Hey why are you not coming to church? What's the deal?" And at this point I'm still not comfortable talking about my suicide with anybody. And I'm like, "I don't know." He's like, "Well, will you come to church?" I'm like, "Well I've already committed to working weekends, you know to my boss. That doesn't change until August." And so, this was, you know, a month and a half away when they came and stopped by. So, they kept coming by and would say hi, and so they kept asking what's that time you're going to be able to be off. So, we told them and I flat out said, if we come, you're not there, we're walking out, because they did, they had the single's ward that was in another building across town. I'm like, "If you guys don't show up, we're walking out." Well Ashly, I'm telling you, we walked in and it felt like home. Home. We walk in and, I'll be honest, I've always struggled with the traditions of the church. Fohawk for years, big beard, used to be bigger. You know, I would refuse to wear white shirts when I'd go, would wear colored because I know in the handbook that it doesn't say you have to have a white shirt, right? So struggled with all of these traditions. Well guess what? Our bishop, it was amazing, is black. A young man that's blessing the sacrament is in a striped shirt with no tie and I'm like okay, these are real people that are living the gospel, that it's not a show.
ASHLY
Yes. I love that.
ALAN
It's not -- they're not putting on a front because having a bishop with that type of insight that will let a young man bless the sacrament because all that matters is that he's there and he's worthy, not about what he's wearing. I can work with that.
ASHLY
Yeah.
ALAN
Well guess what? The missionaries were late. We almost walked out. So, we get coming back. We had no idea how our records got there. And it was just like a light went off in me Ashly. It was like, okay. This has been gone for far too long. The overwhelming feeling of knowing that my Heavenly Father loves me was so impactful in my life at that point because I hadn't felt that way in a long time. And so, we do, we, I mean we've been there for I don't know a month or two, couple months and the bishop is like, wants to meet with us and was like hey what's going on what can we do to help you get back on track? You know we do that. We become full tithe payers. We do that. We get our temple recommends. We get that. You know I get called to be a second counselor in an elder's quorum presidency. Prior to this time, it had just been teaching primary or youth. Nothing. Wife gets called in to be the second counselor in the primary presidency and we're just like, what? Like you want us to do this stuff? We're like, all right sure, okay. And you're just like this is crazy and Ashly, I'm telling you maybe three or four months feeling that way with my Heavenly Father, feeling loved again, working on my testimony. At this time these people had no clue, none whatsoever. And then my grandma dies. And we make the long journey to drive. We drove from Tennessee, took us 26 hours. We did it in two days. It was brutal but while we're there my wonderful aunt that I know and love just walks up to me out of the blue and goes hey it's so good to have you back. And I'm like wait a minute what are you talking about. She's like Alan your aura is back you're back to how we've always known you are. And I'm just like okay. You know you kind of brush it off, you slug it off no big deal we're at my mom and dad's house and my beautiful sister that I love makes a comment because my sister-in-law's sister, somebody had committed suicide and my sister, unbeknownst to herself, says, "That is the most selfish thing. I can't believe anybody would ever do that. You know you're going to go to hell if all this stuff happens." And I'm just like, Ashly, I'm raging. You know, my eyes are just so big and I just, I walk out of the house and Michelle's like oh my, what are we going to do? Is he going to relapse? Because this has been the first time that I had been confronted that way in a long time. So, we leave, and of course, I got to tell that my wife is just inspired. She says, "Why don't we tell people what's going on?" And I said, "Okay." We went to her parent's house and I told her parents. I says you know all those times that I come in the house and just go right downstairs and put on music or watch a movie they were like yeah, I was like, I was struggling. I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to be alive. I had this wonderful spiritual moment with her parents that I never had. One, I wasn't in a frame of mind at that time living in Utah to build a relationship with those two. So then came the hard part, Ashly, is I had-- I told my mom and dad. To see my mom's face going, son, is there anything I could have done to prevent this, and I'm like mom, there's nothing. You and dad were amazing, and you have no control in the things that have happened in my life. Not this is not you, please don't feel that way and that of course, as a son, that's the horrible thing you could hear is to see your mom ask those questions but at that point, Ashly, the moment I told my in-laws and my parents, I could tell anybody my story. And believe it or not, that's when it really changed. That's when we both knew that I was meant for bigger things.
ASHLY
Uh-huh.
ALAN
38:08
We get back to Utah, or not back to Utah, back to Tennessee and before this Michelle's like, Alan, I feel like something's coming for you. So I get called to be the young men's president and I was like well is that it because I've never been a president of anything. And
he's like that's not it. I get called in literally the next I don't know month later is when general conference they announce the young men's president's is going away and we're just like okay. What am I supposed to do, right? So as the young men president, so I'm acting as that and this is where it's cool is that one of my young men, his parents confided in me that he tried to commit suicide. Here I am as his young men's president, able to sit and talk with his parents about how to help him.
ASHLY
Wow.
ALAN
As a young men's president, Ashly, I was able to sit with him and just listen. And listen to where, and you know going and asking this young man, what triggers this for you? And talking to his parents that you've got to understand what his trigger is. If you can figure out what the trigger is you can get him on the path to healing. This young man is preparing to serve a mission.
ASHLY
Wow. That's so amazing.
ALAN
Had I not shared this with my family, I would have kept it all inside. And I wouldn't have been in a position to help that young man.
ASHLY
Isn't it interesting how God can work all things to the good of those who love him? All things, even being suicidal, having to go through all this stuff, he can work all things to the good.
ALAN
Isn't it amazing?
ASHLY
It's amazing.
ALAN
And you think about it as a parent, Ashly, we get this much of a glimpse of that because I want to do everything I can for my miracle boy.
ASHLY
Uh-huh.
ALAN
And just to know that our Heavenly Father does that exponentially.
ASHLY
Yep.
ALAN
It's unreal. So we're talking maybe a month and a half after I get called to be the young men's president, I get a call from the stake executive secretary that the stake president would like to meet with you, and I'm like okay. And I'm like hey I just got called to young men's quorum, like Michelle, this is for you because he said bring your wife and all that stuff, and so we go meet with the stake president and it's literally he goes, hey this is just a meet-and-greet. I just want to get to know you. And we're talking and we're just talking about our story and I'm telling him about you know my story through suicide and you know, and through the finger and our path and how we got here and just how we were able to come back and the missionaries that helped that -- that started that process and then all of a sudden, I put my hand and Michelle's knee and I say Michelle I just said I love her. She means everything to me and at that moment he says now Michelle and Gage, would you please step out of the room? And I'm just like okay, when the stake president asks me some very pointed questions that he has to ask, right? Is there anything going on in your life? All that stuff, you know, are your chaste, living the law of chastity, all that stuff. Well then, he pulls them back in and then he just ends it and he says well it was just really good to meet you. So, we walk out and our really good friends that are in your ward are sitting in the waiting room. Right there. Well, he meets with them. Well, come to find out after is that he talks about us the whole time. We're on the way home and Michelle's like, you're going to get called into bishop. I know you're going to get called to be the bishop of the ward. I'm like there's no way. There's no way. Ashly, I will tell you what. A week and a half later on a Wednesday, I get the message from the executive secretary that the stake president would like to meet you on Sunday morning at 9:00 a.m. At that moment I knew. That moment, that moment the spirit told me that I needed to go look through the ward listing to find out who my counselors were going to be.
ASHLY
Oh my gosh. I just got the chills.
ALAN
And I'm telling you I knew. And I knew before I went in there. So that Sunday morning we're sitting in the waiting room as a family and out walks bishop stat at this young, the man, the myth, the legend. He is amazing. He's getting called to be in the stake presidency.
ASHLY
Oh my.
ALAN
And all we do is hug each other. And we're in tears because we know. We're in tears. We go in there and we sit down and he says Alan, you've been called to serve as the bishop of the Clarksville 3rd ward.
ASHLY
Wow.
ALAN
And I said, "President, do you realize I've only had my testimony back for a year and a half?" He goes, "It doesn't matter. Our Heavenly Father knows that you are supposed to be the bishop at this time." This time I have the most epic beard, Ashly. It's better than what it is now. It was better than this. It was a little bit longer and, Ashly, he was inspired. He said, "Alan when was the last time you shaved your beard off?" I said, "It's been about 10 years." And he goes, "So you had this beard through all your trial of suicide and everything?" And I said, "Yeah." And he goes, "You need to shave it. Not because it's what you have to do. You need to do it to close that chapter in your life." That man was inspired.
ASHLY
Wow.
ALAN
Who would have thought that facial hair would have been the final thing I needed to overcome it? To overcome it and so then we had this thing worked out that I wasn't going to shave it until the night before because everybody would know.
ASHLY
Yep.
ALAN
Everybody would know. And I'm going to share this quick little tidbit. But my first counselor was excommunicated at one point. He come back to the church and he was that first counselor. That is huge.
ASHLY
Wow.
ALAN
And we'll get to that and I know he'll be okay with me sharing that with the world.
ASHLY
Yes.
ALAN
Because they do the addiction recovery and he said, "Alan, you can't release me from that because what I know what I went through is helping others." I said, "I'm good with that." That man is amazing. I get called to be the bishop. When the stake president stood up at that pulpit, Ashly, he says all of you know that Alan has not had an easy life. All of you know that Alan has made mistakes. But all of you can see that you can overcome that and that Alan is being called to be the bishop of this ward. How powerful is that?
ASHLY
45:48
That's so cool.
ALAN
To talk about what you can overcome. And I'll tell you, my greatest moment as a bishop, and I loved it, I absolutely loved being a bishop. Probably, it was the funnest calling I've ever had because it was all about the youth. Teaching, training, coaching, mentoring them. And I talked about it in my e-mail to you, the one that means a lot to me was that had I not been her clergy when she attempted in her life and she's in that lockdown facility in Nashville, Tennessee, I couldn't have gone in.
ASHLY
Uh-huh.
ALAN
Had I not been her bishop. There's no way that there isn't a single person alive that can tell me that that was not planned by our Heavenly Father.
ASHLY
Uh-huh.
ALAN
That I went through everything I went through so that I could be the bishop at that time to help this young lady and she's doing amazing. She's doing absolutely amazing.
ASHLY
That's so wonderful.
ALAN
It's amazing, Ashly. It's amazing.
ASHLY
I love how you are just the perfect example of how -- I just love the realness. Like, I mean, I love, one of the things that I love so much about this podcast is that people share their real life experiences and testimonies of coming to know their Heavenly Father without all of the, you know, trying to be perfect or put on a perfect image or, it's like, we just like come to the podcast and just bear our whole soul and are completely honest with everything because we have experienced the atonement in our lives and it's such a beautiful thing that it's like, if anybody were to ever judge us or whatever it doesn't matter because the savior's atoning sacrifice has completely transformed us and it's like, our duty to share that. And I just love how, just authentic you are and how your story is so, I mean you've been through so much and then to be called as the bishop is just so incredible. Just so amazing.
ALAN
It's crazy and so we've moved since then. I was a bishop for 19 months. And that was, it was so painful, so painful to move, to know that we needed to move. Like to know that my time, and Ashly, talking about the gospel and how the plan's being prepared, being a bishop in the middle of Covid. Never been in any auxiliary, I mean I was a young men's president nor a hot minute but what I do for a living prepared me to handle the financial burdens of the ward in going through covid. I was a transient bishop brand new I had to deal with all of the people coming in and out of the area to get them the finances. Well guess what the stake president was inspired because I deal with that every day in my job. Every day in my job. Ashly, I was in a military ward. I had no executive secretary and no ward clerk.
ASHLY
Wow.
ALAN
Guess who did it all?
ASHLY
Oh my gosh.
ALAN
Because I know how to manage it. It's crazy. It is so crazy.
ASHLY
Oh my gosh.
ALAN
It is just the craziest thing that these things you know happen. So Covid happens, right? Covid's happened its lockdown. Temples are locked down. This family that we, that before I got called as a bishop, we were, helped fellowship them to get baptized. I'd become their bishop helped them to progress through, get their temple recommends he gets the Melchezidek priesthood and it just so happened that they finally opened up for sealings and they ask my wife and I to be their escorts.
ASHLY
Wow.
ALAN
And at this time Wal-Mart has asked me to leave my wonderful ward. I told them no three times. And they knew that we just bought our house, that I was very active in my church. They knew that I was a bishop because I went from a beard to not beard, freaked them all out. I didn't tell anybody. All of the sudden this guy with a beard, walks in and so, we're in the celestial room, I get done first, and we both look each other in the eye and we knew at that moment that we were supposed to move to Georgia. We were there -- that's the longest we'd been anywhere in the last five or six years we were there for three years established lifelong friends, he had friends and we moved to Georgia. We're in a branch now. We love it. They're amazing. My wife's the primary president and I'm again the second counselor in the elder's quorum presidency, teaching every other elder's quorum and having an absolute blast. But what's important is that I've been able to help people that I work with suicide.
ASHLY
51:12
Wow, that's amazing.
ALAN
And it just hasn't been in the church.
ASHLY
Uh-huh.
ALAN
It's been at work. It's been at that helping people work through these problems. What I got, as a bishop it was the last, last time they did Young Women in excellence stuff, had no idea that I was supposed to speak. The young women's president put my name in there so, I'm quickly searching through what to read and I come upon a talk but in the talk, she says our Heavenly Father does not care how big of a step we're making toward them as long as we're not standing still.
ASHLY
Wow.
ALAN
When we're standing still, Ashly, that's when we allow the adversary to latch on and get to us. It doesn't matter if it's a baby step. It doesn't matter if we're sprinting. He just cares that we're moving forward so that we can bless us.
ASHLY
Uh-huh.
ALAN
That's my message to people when I talk to them. Is that I was standing still. I allowed those dark thoughts to creep in and grasp ahold of me, to lose faith in my Heavenly Father, but the moment I took that step was flooded with all these blessings.
ASHLY
So true. I talk often about the step. Just acting, that one tiny step of, in faith, just taking that one step forward and then it's like, that just opens up the door for Heavenly Father to work miracles in your life.
ALAN
And the only other advice I give people is that when you're in the midst of chaos, lean in. Don't lean back or you'll get sucked right back in. Lean into it and take that step. Because that's so what matters. We're going to falter every day. Everyday. We're going to falter somehow. We're not going to read our scriptures or we're not going to say our prayer. We're going to get angry with our spouse or get angry with our kid. We're going to say a swear word. We're going to do something, right? But as long as you're progressing and it gets farther and farther behind you, that's when the blessings happen.
ASHLY
Yep. So true.
ALAN
That's my story, Ashly. What questions you got for me?
ASHLY
I love it. Man, that's just so good. What advice, I think is a good one because I actually personally know quite a few people who are going through infertility right now, and it is so heartbreaking. What advice would have for somebody that has going through infertility and you feel like, or and maybe their faith is wavering because of that?
ALAN
My advice to them is that they've got to find somebody to talk to. You can't hold that in. Because when we hold those things in and we hold those thoughts in and those thoughts consume us, that's when we stand still, Ashly, so my advice to anybody that's out there listening and you're struggling with infertility, whether it's you your spouse whoever it is, whatever it is, go talk to somebody. There are people out there that have gone through this that live this every day. We have very good friends of ours that can't have kids, period. And we talk about it because we understand what each other's go through. Go find that person whether they're in the gospel or not it doesn't matter. We as human beings have to talk about stuff. We have to hear it out loud for us to continue our thought processes. When we don't, we hinder our growth. And so, Ashly, that's my advice go find somebody, go find that person that you feel so entrusted that you confide in that it'll be okay to say that you're mad it's okay to say that you're disappointed in your Heavenly Father. That it's okay to say that you've done everything that Heavenly Father has asked you to but you haven't been blessed with that. Go find that person.
ASHLY
I love that so much and my follow up question to that would be, you worked a lot with people that are struggling with suicidal thought and obviously this is something that you really, I mean it's safe to say that I think God has called you to help in this area and what kind of advice, I mean if it's different, would you have for somebody that maybe feels like they are in that place like they're, they don't feel like they can talk to people because they're going to be judged or people will think they're crazy or whatever. What advice do you have for somebody that is struggling with that?
ALAN
That is the hardest thing, Ashly, is because I -- that's where I struggle because I'm a prideful, I'm a hard headed individual to again Heavenly Father's got to kick me, to get me to do what I need to do. But my advice for that person that is struggling with that and doesn't know and doesn't want to feel like they're letting anybody down. If you're a member of the church, go log in to your gospel app and read the – search suicide and look at the topical guide. President M. Russell ball lard says it the most beautiful way. He says in there, that we don't know the mind of those individuals. Only our Heavenly Father knows that. And so, we've got to get out of this stigma that if you kill yourself, you're going to hell. That is the load of crap, right. Only our Heavenly Father and the Savior truly know what they're going through. So, my message to you is go, go read that. Go look in your gospel app. Go read what it says about suicide. Go listen to those inspired prophets that we have on the earth today and you will know. You will know that even though you feel this way you're still loved. Because that was my biggest fear was if I actually did it, would I ever see my family again? Had we had these tools in front of us I probably wouldn't have gone as long as I did, but that's okay. Use the tools and resources that are out there. Go, again, like the others about infertility, go find the person that you can confide in. Not somebody who's struggling too, because that can be even more damaging.
ASHLY
I love that so much. That is so beautiful. Well, thank you so much for being on the podcast you are just such a light and your story is so amazing and I just - I'm so excited to share this with everybody because they are, I guarantee I'm going to get a lot of messages from people saying this is exactly what I needed to hear so thank you so much.
ALAN
And Ashly, the last thing I'm going to say is that you are truly inspired for doing that. This has meant the world to me because I've lived it. There are so many people out there living it you are truly being called of our Heavenly Father to do this. You're a light yourself. This is, this is absolutely amazing and I've had a blast. Thank you so much.
ASHLY
58:54
Yes.
ALAN
And again, a shout out to my brother, Craig, for putting me onto this.
ASHLY
Shout out to Craig.
