"Be open to other people's opinions. I used to think "this church is either true or it is not." I never thought there could be any gray area. The way I saw everything was so black and white but that is something I have learned, is to be open to other possibilities. Don't just cut everything off because one thing doesn't make sense."
Come Back Podcast
Transcript
ASHLY
00:14
Hey, so Becca, I am so excited to have you on the podcast and to hear your story. You obviously sent it to me in an email and I got to read over it. And it's awesome. And I'm excited to have you on because obviously, you're younger and you have fresh perspective on what it's like to be a younger person that's going through a faith crisis and coming back, and I love it. So yeah, why don't you start by telling us a little bit about yourself, and just how old you are, where you live, those kinds of things. And then we'll jump into your story.
BEKAH
00:54
Cool. Yeah, so I am almost 18 years old. I turn 18 In a few weeks. Currently, I live in Salt Lake City, Utah. I grew up in Germany, however. And when I was around 13, I moved to the US. So yeah.
ASHLY
01:12
Okay, so tell me about Germany. Why were you guys living there? Tell me about more about school.
BEKAH
01:19
My dad had started a translation company where he translates IP addresses or something. And he wanted to broaden his company to Europe. And so when I was I think, like five months old, my whole family decided to move there. Both my parents grew up in the US; my dad grew up in Nebraska and my mom grew up in Provo, Utah. So we moved there when I was around five months old, and we just fell in love with it. And we didn't want to move back. So I kind of just grew up there. I loved Germany growing up, there was so amazing. It kind of helped me gain a way more worldly perspective than like, I think I would have had if I would have just grown up in Utah, especially with the church. Because I feel like that was also something that kind of triggered my faith journey, kind of like leaving the church was, kind of one of the reasons was that the church here seems so different than I was used to in Germany.
ASHLY
Awesome. Okay, well, let's go ahead and jump into it. Let's hear your story.
BEKAH
02:25
Cool. Um, yeah. So like I said, before growing up, my whole family was very faithful. We all always went to church, my grandma, grandpa, all of them, my whole family's basically always been in the church. In Germany, like I said, I really, really enjoyed how the church was there, because it didn't seem as, I don't know, there's just like, the way that the church is in Utah specifically is so different than it is in other places. And it was just so, it was kind of hard for me to kind of transition into the church being everywhere. Because in Utah, like everyone knows about it. And in Germany, it seemed way more like just my personal thing. And people didn't really seem to care as much because, and they respected my views, you know, and my values. So growing up, I never really had any issues with the church. I loved going to church, it was one of my favorite things about my life. And so when I was around 13, I believe, because right before we had decided to move to the US, my mom got diagnosed with leukemia, like two weeks before we had our flights booked. So that like, threw my whole life upside down, because we had planned on all moving as a family. But because my mom, my mom had cancer, she wasn't able to, because she had to start treatments. So I, and my sister, eventually decided to move out before the rest of my family because we wanted to start high school. And we just wanted, it just made the most sense. So we had moved out and I stayed with my aunt and uncle for a few months. And I remember the last time I had said goodbye to her, like, before I moved, I remember my dad and like the doctor saying that I should say goodbye, because it was probably she wasn't going to, you know, make it probably. So that was hard to you know, move to the US all alone with my mom basically dying. There was like a lot of stuff that just was not going well. But um, all of us were praying for her to get better, you know? I mean, that's what you always do. But so she had said that there was like the switch in her mindset. And she had realized that she should try to follow what God wants and not like what she wants. And so she kind of somehow, I don't know how exactly, but she kind of just switched her mindset into being okay with dying and being okay, if that's God's plan, like she had so much trust in God, that if it's her time to go that she was okay with it. And then instantly after that, she immediately started getting better and the doctors couldn't, like they didn't have any reasoning for why the cancer was going away because that doesn't really happen. And she got better. And then that might, that would, this was my freshman year. And then that winter, she and the rest of my family moved out.
When I was going to church here, it was very different. Because I just didn't enjoy my ward as much as I did in Germany. I felt like it wasn't as personal. I don't know, it was just, it was a hard adjustment. When my parents all moved out, we had found a house up Immigration Canyon where I live still now. And we started going to that ward. The ward I'm still in is probably one of the best wards I've ever been in just because it seems, we’re so accepting. It seems it reminds me so much of how the church was in Germany. So I had met my best friend through Young Women. She just was so grateful to have me in the ward and she, she's amazing. I'll probably talk about her a lot. But I had never really doubted the church until my second to oldest brother started leaving. And then after he had left, two of my other siblings also decided to leave for different reasons. And so at this point, I had known that I was bisexual. And so that was something I had not struggled with, but I just didn't agree with the church's stance on it, because I felt like, I couldn't be my full self in the church. You know,
ASHLY
06:45
When did you feel like, you knew that you were bisexual? And like, what, when did that happen? And what was that like? Like for you to come to the realization that this is who you are?
BEKAH
06:59
Yeah. So I think it was my freshman year. I had gone to a Catholic school. I then transferred because it wasn't the best fit for me. But so I had gone to this, like pretty strict Catholic school. And I remember having some friends that had told me that they were gay, or I think bisexual as well. And I was like, Oh, I might be bisexual. And then it kind of, it was very gradual. And I'm not sure where it really started. But I just remember kind of, I went to my brother about it first, because he is also bisexual, and he had … I didn't know that back then, but he literally told me he was like, “Oh, I know.” Like, it was obvious. I was like, “Wait, what?” So that was kind of a shock to hear that from him, that like he knew it before I did. So probably freshman year, it was hard at first because I felt like, I always felt like people were trying to push me to only date men. And especially when I told my mom, she was like, “Oh, that's great, because you can still date men,” which like, it makes sense. Because she was in the church and in the church, that's a big thing, is that be married in the temple and have a family and stuff. But I think that was kind of hard, because I felt like that was a part of me that I didn't want to let go of. And I didn't want to just erase that. And I felt like that's what was happening.
ASHLY
Okay, got it.
BEKAH
Yeah, so three out of my, I have five siblings, three out of my five siblings had decided to leave the church. And I, I don't want to say that they had influenced me at all to leave. But that kind of was the first time I had even thought of that as an option. Because growing up, it was no one like ever really left. I remember kind of just being very conflicted, because I still, I kind of just stopped scripture study and praying and like, feeding that relationship with God. And I remember there's also a ton of pressure, I felt like, on me, for my parents to kind of stay in the church, because the young, I'm the youngest. And they kind of felt like if I also leave, I don't know, it was just I felt like there's so much pressure to stay in the church. And so I honestly, I kind of, don't remember exactly what made that switch. But I remember just one day just thinking, “I don't believe in this anymore. Why am I doing this?” And I didn't have a strong testimony anymore. It wasn't like, it was me wanting to, you know, leave to be rebellious. It was more just I didn't have a testimony anymore. I had talked to all of my siblings that had left the church about how I felt, because that was easy, because they supported me on that. And then I remember talking to my sister and her husband who are both in the church, so about it, and I remember just like, crying to them being like, “This is so scary. I don't know how to tell Mom and Dad. Blah blah blah blah.” And they were so accepting. They're like, I mean, “If this is what you think will make you happy, we totally will accept you,” and like, you know, and so that was super cool to have that kind of like, I felt nothing but love from them.
10:13
And then I had to tell my parents that I was going to leave. I didn't want to do it in person because I wanted to do it through a letter because I knew that I could formulate my thoughts better. And I didn't want them to say anything that they would later regret, you know, so I had written them this letter where it basically explained how I still believed in God, and that I've never not believed in God. And so in the letter, I had told them how I still believed in God, and that I basically said, they should have faith in the church, that if this is the true church, and I willingly try to find the truth, I will come back to it.
ASHLY
10:54
Well, I'm gonna read it really? Yeah. You said, “I believe that there is a God who loves me, and who supports me just the way I am. I don't necessarily believe in the God you guys do. But I believe that there is something out there who created this universe, who cares for me, and who wants me to be happy. If this is really the true church, then God will understand where I'm coming from and why I chose to leave the church. And you should have faith in the church and in God that I will find my way to the truth.”
BEKAH
11:22
Yeah, yeah. And so It was interesting, because I kind of had said that back then. I did believe it. But I had more kind of just said that to them to not have them worry as much. I never thought that I would have come back to the church. Like that was, I was so far gone that I hated the church.
ASHLY
Did you feel like was there anything, like online, that was kind of like fueling your hatred for the church? Like, I know that Tik Tok is like a cesspool. So I'm just curious if that, like played a role in it, or?
BEKAH
Yeah, kind of, I would say that did of course, but I think more it was having that not support, but like having three out of my five siblings, also, out of the church. I feel like I talked to them a lot about the church. And of course, there's a lot online as well, especially with like, history, church history, and just stupid stuff like that. And it's really interesting, because a lot of my testimony, when I started kind of doubting my testimony, a lot of it was fueled by like, church history stuff that I was like, that doesn't make sense. Like, why does … blah blah blah blah blah? And so I feel like, coming back after that has been kind of hard, because I still don't have all the answers to it. But like, I have trust in God, that He knows what, you know what really happened. And I feel like it's so easy to skew things and to make people seem like such bad people, when in reality, they probably were just normal people that made mistakes as well. And I feel like a lot of times we forget that prophets are human, and that they will make mistakes. It's not like they have an angel that comes down every single time they should give new revelation or something like they also have to go through the same ways we do to seek personal revelation. And I feel like that's probably really hard for them to know exactly what God wants them to do. And so I feel like that's really helped me–is to remember that the church, how it is right now, isn't going to be the perfect gospel. Like we have most of the truth that we need, but there's going to be parts that's going to be changing for our time. And, like, there's just parts that we just don't know right now, because we don't need them in our day and age.
ASHLY
So you're out, you're out of the church, you just told your siblings, and they're like, you know, saying, you know, “We love you and accept you for where you’re at.” And then what happened after that?
BEKAH
13:50
So my friend I was talking about, her name’s Sabrina, during this, she never failed to show me unconditional love and support. She was happy that I was figuring this out. And we never grew apart because of this. I know that it was probably really hard for her because we don't have a ton of young women in our ward. And so we were one of like, the only people we really talk to at church, I don't know. So it definitely was hard, but she never judged my decisions. And I think that was a big reason for coming back, was I never felt like her love towards me had changed because of my views. And that was something I was so scared of when I was leaving–that was that people would look at me differently and like, I don't know, treat me differently. This was like December 2020. That's when I finally had written the letter to my parents and finally told them I wasn't going to come to church anymore. And so I stopped going to church, like instantly, like I stopped everything. After that, I was very happy with where I was spiritually. And I think that's one of the reasons why it took me so much longer to come back was because I wasn't missing anything. It kind of felt like I didn't need the church anymore. And so um, I just kind of completely cut ties to the church and I was okay with it. So after that I had stopped coming completely.
And then this summer, so in like June of 2022 my friend's mom, so Sabrina’s mom was the Young Women's president at the time. And so she had called me and she was like, “Hey, do you want to come on a youth activity trip thingy?” And I was like, “Sure what dates?” because I didn't have a good excuse to say no. And I didn't want to just be like, “No, I don't want to come.” Plus, it seemed fun, because we're gonna go river rafting, and I love camping and river rafting. I had decided to go to it. And I was like, really, really nervous to go because I had such a worry that people would judge me for only going to, you know, this fun activity and not like any other activities. I just had so much anxiety about seeing people in the ward that I kind of, haven't seen in a while. And probably were, I don't know. So going in, I was really scared to, you know, be there. But I get there, and after the first day, there's so many people that I felt like genuinely cared about me as a person and made me feel so welcomed, not in the way that like, it seemed like they were wanting me to come back to church, but more just because they liked me. And they wanted me there, which was so refreshing because I had such big anxiety about the fact that they would, I don't know, judge me and like, want me to come back to church, that like, feeling that unconditional love from so many people was kind of insane. The first day, I remember I kind of didn't, I don't know, it just was so kind of awkward. But I remember the second day, we had gone on a river rafting trip. And the whole theme of the camp was “stay in the boat,” basically. And it was kind of hard because I was like, I'm literally not in the boat right now. And I felt like that was something I was also kind of worried about. Because the whole theme was “don't go astray,” like “stay in the boat.” And I was like, “I'm right here. I am astray.” But no one ever looked at me differently, like no one ever was like, “You're not in the boat.” Like it didn't seem like that at all. And so then that night, we had a fireside where we basically could just go around in a circle and anyone who wanted to share anything could. And so most people were saying stuff and I felt like I kind of should because I don't know, it just, I felt weird not saying anything. But I had, like I didn't know what to say because at this point, I still didn't believe in the church. But I just felt such a, I felt so happy this whole trip. I genuinely, I don't think I've ever been that happy in a while. And it was so refreshing. But also it really was mind boggling that I could feel the Spirit in that way. And so during this fireside when it got to me, I kind of just like poured out my soul, kind of just thanking everyone for being so accepting and understanding. That was the first time I think I've really felt the Spirit since leaving, and it was just so strong that I literally could not go to sleep that night. That night, after the fireside was over, I had again, so many people would just come up to me and be like, “Oh, we're so glad that you're here.” Like no pressure, you don't need to go to church. Like, it just seems so genuine that they wanted me there. That night I had talked to Sabrina, my friend, kind of about what I was feeling. And then we had a two hour conversation about the church, and just like life and there's stuff that I told her that I thought I couldn't have beforehand because I just I don't know, it was just like, such an amazing experience. And I was telling her how I felt the Holy Ghost and I knew that it was the Holy Ghost, but that I was so very conflicted because I didn't want it to be true. I didn't want to have–not have to, but I didn't want to go back to church. And all I can remember is that she basically said that it's okay to not fully be in the church right now. It's okay to like, not know everything. And she kind of just again showed me so much unconditional love and acceptance. And she, I don't know, it was just so cool to see that even though she knew how I felt she wasn't going to pressure me either way.
Then that night I prayed for the first time I had like, probably prayed in two and a half years. And I was like “Okay, God, if you're really there, I really need to sign. I can't just go back to church with no real reasoning,” because at this point I still was, there's so many unanswered questions I had, and there's so much that I still just didn't understand. And then I was like, “I need a very distinct sign. It can't just be like, you know, something.” The next day, it was our last day of the trip. They had gone to the temple and I had stayed back with a few other girls that didn't have a recommend, because obviously I didn't have a temple recommend back then. And I was kind of scared that people would also, you know, kind of judge me for not having a temple recommend. But during the time that they were going to the temple, I had talked to one of our young woman's leaders for like, a few hours, and we just instantly bonded and she is the most amazing person ever.. She and Sabrina both just showed me so much unconditional love. And she wanted to get to know me for me, and not just so that I would come back to church, like I've said, multiple times. So we had talked, we just shared our experiences. And I kind of told her how I felt with all of this. That night, we were kind of packing up and we had our last dinner together. Our bishop had told us that he had like, he wanted to share his testimony and kind of, you know, just talk. He then had given all of us books. So he was talking about how he was so glad that all of us were there. And he had talked, told us that he knows how hard it is to be a member in this day and age and how like a lot of things don't really make sense. And then he handed all of us a book. And it's called When It Doesn't Make Sense by John Bytheway. And instantly when I saw that name, I was like, “Oh, that that's the book I need.” It was so cool to see that that was exactly the sign I needed. I instantly felt the Spirit so strongly. And I was like, “I need to read this book, like now.” Like, I need to know what's in this. Like, if this can help me in any way I want to, you know, read it. So on the ride home, it was like, I don't know how long the ride was. But I basically didn't talk to anyone. And I just read this whole book completely through. And it changed my life. I love this book. I think that anyone who has any doubts or just anyone, in general should read this book, because it's the way that he writes. It was so simply put, but it was things that I just didn't seem to even think about, like it just made so much sense. That book literally changed my life. And after I had come home from the trip, I could not stop thinking about it, like for the next few days, or weeks even. All I could think about is how good I felt on this trip. And deep down, I knew that it was the Holy Ghost, but I didn't want to, you know, I didn't want that to be true. Because that meant that I should probably, you know, go back to church. It was so strong. And I could not really do anything else for the next few days. Just because I had such a, like I had such strong emotions about this. One of the biggest things that I had, you know, still struggled with was LGBTQ. And like the church, I kind of had this realization that it's okay for me to still have my own beliefs and still be in the church. It was so interesting to see that. Even if you're in the church, you can have your own, like beliefs. I don't know, because like growing up, it always felt like you had to believe everything. And there's stuff that I think that you should, if you're in the church, you should agree with. Does that make any sense?
ASHLY
23:26
In the book, Faith is Not Blind, it talks about how there are things, different counsels, and obviously, you know, we know where the church stands on that. But you know, we also know that everybody who, whether they struggle with, no matter what they struggle with, like there's all kinds of things under the sun. But the number one thing that I've heard you say is that the church is a place for everybody. Even if you have questions about things, even if you don't understand everything, even if … It's for everybody. And it's a place where, you know, we need to love everybody, no matter what is going on in their life. And it doesn't matter what your past is, or where, what your present is or whatever. Everybody's welcome. And everybody, you know, belongs.
BEKAH
24:25
Exactly. And that's something I love about my ward. A while back, I had someone who openly came out as gay on the pulpit. And I feel like that just doesn't really happen in many Utah wards. And it was so cool to see how much they had helped me understand that I can still be in the church, even if I'm bi and even if I have all these questions, because I don't remember exactly what they said. But I can just, all I remember is that they had expressed how much they felt God's love for them. And it was just so cool to see how my ward had accepted them and still accepts them. So that's something I think that more people– I know that like the church has gotten way better with acceptance and stuff. But that's something that I really did struggle with for a while, because I felt like there's a lot of other people in my life who were part of the church that didn't accept me being bi as much as my ward did. So I think I totally agree, everyone belongs. Even if you don't necessarily believe the exact same thing that the church does. If you want to go to church services, and you want to grow closer to God, you belong. I don't know if that makes sense. But yeah.
ASHLY
25:43
Totally makes sense. So you said that, you know, when you left the church, you said you felt you were happy. You were like content. Contrast from when you were out to how you felt after that trip? It seems like there's a huge contrast there.
BEKAH
Oh yeah.
ASHLY
Like you said, you felt good. And all was well, but then, you know …
BEKAH
26:04
Yeah, so what had happened was, I feel like I kind of forgot how much joy like the Holy Ghost and the church can bring us. And of course, I was so happy, I still really loved my life. But I feel like, you know, you probably have had the same type of spiritual experiences that you just can't, I don't know, it just is so hard after having one of those super strong experiences, to I don't know, to going back to like, not having those at all. And so after I had that one experience, I was like, I want this more often. I want to do whatever I can to feel this way more often. Because I had legitimately felt so joyful. Like, it wasn't only just like, the happiness of being around people that I love. It was more just I felt like that's where I belonged. And I felt like, that's where God wanted me. That's ultimately what I felt.
ASHLY
And so like a feeling of coming home.
BEKAH
27:00
Yeah, exactly. And so after that, I had kind of, for a while, I kind of not forgot about the church, but I went to church a few times. So I just kind of stopped going just because I wasn't feeling that as much. But then my friend Sabrina reached out to me, and she was like, “Hey, would you ever want to do like scripture study together? Or talk about the church some time?” And I was like, “Honestly, yeah.” Because I kind of, I didn't want to reach out to her to be kind of a burden. But she had also felt that, told me later that that was kind of hard for her to do because she didn't want to overstep her boundaries, you know, so she had reached out to me and wanted to start like a small scripture study group. And I was like, “Hey, can we have some other people join as well?” And so we had, I think it was five of us, who we FaceTimed every night, or not every night, every Sunday at like seven or 8 p.m. And we just talked about our spirituality and just stuff concerning the church. I remember the first time we had ever done this, it kind of started out kind of slow, because a lot, a lot of us were like, “What are we doing? Like, what do we talk about?” A lot of us opened up so much in ways that we didn't know we could. And it felt like such a safe space to talk about our struggles and stuff that we had been struggling with. I felt the Spirit so strongly when I was doing these FaceTimes that I knew that I had to make a decision, and that I did want to go back to church. Those weekly FaceTimes really helped just to keep fueling my testimony and stuff.
And so something that I struggled with when I was outside of the church was I used to vape for a bit. I just, I don't know, I was being the rebellious teenager, you know? And I started vaping like, I don't know, when it was it wasn't for super long. It was just a few months. But I remember talking to one of my cousins about like, something and then they're just like, “Oh, I hate when people vape. Like, that's the stupidest thing someone could ever do.” And I was like, “Yeah, definitely.” And I just felt so disgusted with myself at that point. And at this point, I was still outside of the church. But I just knew that I wanted to stop vaping, because A) my parents didn't know about it, and I was sneaking behind their backs doing this in their house. I didn't tell them. And I didn't– yeah, like “Hi, hi Mom.” That night, I had read this book about how to stop smoking. And it was like just a small comic or something. And then after that I was so disgusted with me vaping I was like, why am I doing this? Like I couldn't even see myself in what I was doing. Because it was so against like all of my beliefs growing up and you know, everything that I literally just threw out my vape and I never looked back because I was like, I'm not going to ever go back. Looking back. God helped me in so many ways with that, with overcoming that addiction. Back then I didn't think so because I didn't really believe in God in that way. But now looking back there's a lot of times where he gave me the strength to to not, you know, go back to vaping. And so I was telling my friends this, and this is kind of the first time I'd really told people because I, it was a part of me that I was really ashamed of. And I thought that they would see me differently. But of course they didn't.
Having that support system of people in the church really, really helped. And then after that, we had General Conference. And so me and my friend, Sabrina, we got two tickets to do two different sessions to go see General Conference in person. One of the sessions we had gone to, it was when Elder Uchtdorf talked about the new For the Strength of Youth pamphlet. And so being in that room while he had announced these changes was phenom–, like astronomical for me, because that was something I also had kind of struggled with was the For the Strength of Youth pamphlet, because I didn't like how black and white it was. And I felt like I wanted more choice in stuff. I don't know, it just felt very like a checklist. Like it felt like I just had to do all the stuff. And I didn't love that. And so hearing him announced that was so cool. The Spirit was so strong, and literally, like everyone was so quiet when he announced this. And then I just have had like, other spiritual experiences after that, that just is really strengthened my testimony.
ASHLY
31:33
That’s so awesome. It's funny when you were saying that about quitting vaping. Back in my day, I know, I'm kind of old. Every like, the cool thing wasn't vaping, it was smoking cigarettes. When I quit smoking cigarettes, I had a similar experience where I was like, I can't believe I just did that. I cannot believe I quit smoking cigarettes, like I had been smoking cigarettes since I was 15 years old. And then I was 23 when I was quitting, and because I was getting my temple recommend. And it was like, we had such a similar experience that you had where I was, like, I'm gonna be this new person. And that doesn't fit with this new person that I am, it's like, and the only way it can be described as like the enabling power of the Savior's Atonement to be giving you the power to do those things that are so hard. And like, it's just so hard to be able to describe that to somebody because, it’s so addictive that you have to keep doing it. And it's like you're so used to doing it, and then to be able to quit is, is so awesome.
BEKAH
32:39
It was such a freeing moment, because I hated that I was that stereotypical teenager that would vape in the bathrooms because I couldn't make a full day in school without vaping. And I just hated how much it influenced my life and had so much control over me. And so quitting, it has helped me so much to grow and like to–
ASHLY
I know exactly what you're saying, to know that you have the confidence in yourself to give up something that's so challenging and to rely on the Lord for help. And giving that up is, it's a really incredible thing to experience that power of the Savior’s.
BEKAH
Something that I usually don't tell people about. Like, the reason I leave the church was when I was I think 13, I was on this one youth trip. And there was this older man, who was I think a chaperone or someone, I don't even remember who he was. So he had basically groomed me for the whole week that I was there. And I didn't realize it at the time. But there was a lot of stuff that he did that now looking back, I'm like, that wasn't okay, you know, I kind of just like, didn't even process that for like a long time, because obviously no 13 year old could really process that. And for a while, I felt like it was my fault. Because if it was my fault, then I could change my behavior and make it stop. I don't know, it gave me more power in this very powerless situation that I felt like I was in. And so for a while I kind of just like didn't tell anyone. And I finally had told my parents years afterwards. And they immediately went to the stake president because they wanted to see what had happened to him or like if anything happened to this man. Then they had talked to the stake president. And apparently that I wasn't the only one he was doing this to. He has a lot of grandchildren that he has done the same to. And I was actually friends with one of his grandchildren. And we're talking about it. And so apparently the stake president knew about it, and he had talked to him. But in my mind, there was no repercussions. He didn't, he was still attending church services. Nothing in my mind, like really happened. I could be totally wrong because I at this point had moved. I wasn't in the stake anymore. But I just kind of had a lot of anger towards, of course him, but also towards my stake as a whole because my stake president because I felt like I didn't get the justice I deserve, you know, because he, my stake president, had told me that I could go to the police about it. But I mean, this was like, when I was 16. So it was, or maybe 15. But it was like two years after it had happened. And I didn't have any evidence, I had no proof, I had nothing really that could have really helped in court. And that would have meant I would have had to relive it all and like, go back to Germany. So I just didn't want to do that. But I was so kind of angry that nothing had happened, church wise. So that was something I think that really influenced me also leaving, because I felt a lot of hatred towards the church as a whole for letting this happen. Especially because it was at church, it was at a church activity. It was like, it was like a temple trip we had. I feel like a lot of my anger towards the church was because of that. I just don't really talk about as much because I had finally got the courage to talk to my bishop about my past, because, so a while back in like, October, I had gone to him to get a temple recommend, but I really didn't tell him about anything that I was doing, like vaping back when I wasn't in the church, because I felt like I had repented enough that I didn't have to tell him and I was over that part of my life. And I was so changed as a person that I felt like I didn't really need to. But as months kind of went by, I kind of felt like still kind of this guilt of not fully being repented. And so I was like, “This is stupid, I want to be fully repented. I'm going to talk to my bishop about this,” even though theoretically, I felt like I was, you know, worthy to go to the temple and stuff. I just wanted to let it all out just so I didn't have to worry about it anymore. So two weeks ago, I talked to him about like, how I felt guilty that I used to vape. And I drank alcohol a few times, did marijuana a few times, you know, normal stuff that a rebellious teenager would, but like I just felt, I still have so much guilt for that because I knew that it wasn't part of God's plan for me. It was so cool to see how he basically just told me that if I have repented, then God doesn't care. And I should forgive myself for being that person because he could see how I have changed as a person. Like I've totally changed since then. It was kind of more of a fact of me like forgiving myself, you know? And so after I told him that I also told him about the older guy who had groomed me and drew me and how I felt like I couldn't forgive him. Even after all these years, I still felt so guilty, because that was, that's something that the church is very big on, is forgiving others, you know? And so I had told him how I just did not feel like I could ever forgive him for what he did to me. And I didn't know how I wanted him to react or like how I thought he was gonna react. But he basically at this point was, he wasn't crying, but he was tearing up hearing what had happened to me, which was, I hate saying, “Oh, I love that he was crying about me,” but like it was kind of cool. Like it was so freeing to see how much he cared about me that it hurt him to see that happen to me. So I remember him saying, “I mean, if that's what would have happened to one of my kids, I don't think I could have forgiven him either very easily.” And I was like, “Oh, wait, so me not forgiving him–that's like, okay? Like, it's understandable?” Because I felt like, for so long, I just wanted to forgive him so badly. but I just couldn't because I was repressing all of this. So hearing that from a bishop that it's okay that I haven't totally, totally forgiven him and that it takes time, and that I should not like not beat myself up for that, it was so freeing. And it was so cool to see how someone in the church, that wasn't how the whole church was because like in Germany, I felt like the way my stake president went about things was not the way that I felt like I was getting the most, I don't know, like justice out of it. But seeing how much it had hurt my bishop here, even though he didn't know exactly what had happened and seeing how much he cared about me, it just was so freeing to feel like I finally could tell someone. And I've, I've told my parents and other people but that was the first time I told someone in the church. I had finally realized that it wasn't the whole church. It was just a stupid man who did that; it wasn't the church's fault. Like it's not like …
ASHLY
39:43
That makes a lot of sense. It's kind of, the episode we just released yesterday, one of the comments that he made and he left and came back and he was very anti for a while but he said that a lot of times when people leave it's because something happens from somebody in the church and then that individual can't like separate the fact that it was, you know, they they take it as the church hurt them instead of an individual hurt them.
BEKAH
40:12
That's exactly how I like was, and then hearing that from a bishop was so freeing because I was like,
“Oh, no, there's good people in the church.” Like it's not, it wasn't the church’s fault.
ASHLY
Sounds like you have a really awesome bishop.
BEKAH
Yeah, he's amazing, literally. Yeah. My whole ward is. Yeah.
ASHLY
I love that. So what advice would you have for somebody that is a teenager, and they're struggling with vaping? They're struggling with their testimony? What advice would you have for them?
BEKAH
40:40
First thing I would say is be open to other people's, to other opinions, because that was something I had struggled with a lot, was that I was like, “This church is either true, or it's not.” And I never felt like there could be any gray area. That like, even though it's true, this can still happen, or this … Like you, you can still feel hurt by someone in the church, you know. So I felt like, the way I saw the church was so black and white, that either everything is completely, like perfect, or it's just wrong, you know. And so that's something I think I've learned is just kind of be open to other possibilities, and don't just like, cut anything off, just because one thing doesn't make sense. Because I still had a really big testimony in Jesus Christ and in God. And in Joseph Smith. And in like, the whole church, it was just a few things that didn't make sense to me. And that just didn't fit in my, I don't know, like my puzzle. And then that just destroyed everything, because I kind of just stopped caring about it as a whole. As far as vaping goes, I don't know, it's hard because you either want to quit or you don't. And if you don't want to quit, you're not going to be able to quit. And most people I think do want to quit, they just think that it's really hard. And it is really hard. But something that I've kind of learned is that if you, you won't succeed if you don't even try. Like even if you let's say you try to quit for a week, and you go back to it, at least you were sober for a week. That's better than not being sober at all. Because that's something I struggled with a lot, was I felt like I couldn't ever be sober of it. And I didn't want to even try because I didn't want to fail.
ASHLY
Right, right, right.
BEKAH
But like you're not failing, because it's, if you are going from here, like from zero to even a tiny step ahead, then you're obviously progressing. And so I think, don't let quitting as a whole scare you away. Because it seems scary to not have it in your life at all, you know, but like, just take it day by day.
ASHLY
42:50
No, that completely makes sense. I really love that. I know that there are so many youth in the church that struggle with vaping. And they struggle with you know, all kinds of things. And I was one of those youth. That was me and I know that today, it's just vaping is so prevalent everywhere. And so anyway, I think your insight is just so valuable.
BEKAH
Thanks!
ASHLY
Yeah, you're so amazing, Bekah, and thank you so much for reaching out to me. Your story is so beautiful.
BEKAH
Thank you.
ASHLY
And the thing that really just stands out to me is how much God loves you. Like he obviously loves you so much. And He's so aware of you. Just all the situations, and things that happened.
BEKAH
43:39
Yeah, it was like, and that's something, I think that's the biggest reason why I came back was because I felt so much love from God. From someone I felt like for a while, I didn't really hear a lot from. Looking back at my life and seeing how He had helped me, even when I completely did not really believe in Him, is so cool. Because I mean, I know that I couldn't have overcome vaping if it wasn't for Him. God loves everyone. That's something I think so important for people to understand is that He loves me, but He also loves like every single other person and He cares about every single person individually. And it's not like a collective.
ASHLY
Right. I think that the thing that really also stuck out to me was that you were willing to act with faith to say that prayer. It was the first time you prayed in two and a half years and it was like you taking that step and saying that prayer opened the door for God to meet you on the other side. And so I just love that, and your story is so awesome.
BEKAH
Thank you!
ASHLY
Awesome. Well, thank you so much Bekah for coming on the podcast. Yes, you're amazing.
BEKAH
44:50
You're amazing. This whole podcast is, I love it so much.
