S1:E51 - How wrestling with questions helped Lindsi strengthen her relationship with her Savior, Jesus Christ.

"It was as if I was sitting in this mist of darkness and it was like he lifted me up. I saw myself lifted out of this dark cloud and I was up above in the sky and could see the light. I was given a whole new view, all the sudden He was teaching me and He was showing me how He loved me. All the things that I had struggled with I was finally seeing through God's eyes."

Transcript

ASHLY

00:14

Well, Lindsi, I'm so excited to have you on the podcast and just hear about your story. I'd love to hear just a little bit about you and your life. And we can start from the beginning or start wherever you want.

LINDSI

00:27

Okay, so I am a mom to five kids, I have what I call two sets of kids, I have my first three that are each three girls that are just over a year apart. And so I had a newborn, a one year old and a two year old, then I have a nine year gap. And I have a two year old and a one year old, little boys. So I have my set of girls, and I have my set of boys.

ASHLY

00:57

How is that? How was that transition?

LINDSI

01:01

Well, the first three about killed me. And so I was like, I'm done. It was really hard. And so I had no plans on having kids anymore. Until Heavenly Father was like, oh, no, there's this little boy waiting. And so I had my two year old after sobbing, like after I received I cried and cried and cried. And then I was like, “Okay, I'm ready to go back to having kids.” And then I had a surprise little caboose baby boy right after that, that I wasn't expecting. And so, yeah, so it's definitely interesting between the girls. Lots of drama, lots of emotions, and boys are very rough. Very rough and tumble.

ASHLY

01:44

Oh, yeah. I've got a two year old boy. And he is

LINDSI

Oh my goodness.

ASHLY

constantly knocking his head on something. Constantly.

LINDSI

01:54

Yes. So I have those five kids. And that is my full-time job. And they keep me super busy. I've been married for 21 years next week.

ASHLY

Wow. That’s awesome.

LINDSI

Yes. We've been married a long time. I'm originally from Idaho, primarily grew up in Utah. We've been in Utah ever since. My husband's from Colorado, and he came over for school. And he got sucked in and just could never leave. And so he's the only one in his family out of the state. Kind of start my story, my journey. I am one of six kids. And my parents, they divorced when I was six years old. And so I grew up with my mom and she was a single mom, she had full custody of us. And so we grew up in the church, we went to church every week, she was always super active. And, you know, church was just normal, but my dad, he kind of struggled after the divorce. And he wasn't around much. He kind of had a hard time coming around, he kind of had a weird way of showing up. We wouldn't see him for six months, we wouldn't get a phone call, we wouldn't see him and then he'd just show up. You know, I think that's kind of a foundational piece of my story of just, I kind of struggled with my relationship with my dad. As we get along we'll kind of see maybe where that played out. But I would say as far as my faith story, my journey started when I turned 16 years old. And I chose to get my patriarchal blessing, as many teens do that are in the church. When I got that, I loved it. It was an awesome experience. It was very, you know, like the whole experience, I loved it. But then they mailed it to me. And you know, I had the written copy. And I'm reading over it. And I kind of had this like, smack in the face of now to kind of get an idea. My personality was a bit stubborn. I did not like authority telling me what to do. You know, I kind of butted up against that. And when I read my patriarchal blessing, I was like, I have no control over my life. Like all of a sudden, I was like, my life is planned out for me, and God has it all written out right here. And that was really hard for me. And I found myself rebelling against it. So here I am 16 years old thinking I know better than God. And I found myself really fighting. And I found myself pushing against the church. I was like, I don't want anything to do with the church. I don't want God to control my life. Of course, now I think about it. And I'm like, wow, that was kind of immature, right? But it was really hard for me. So I totally pushed against the church. And at that time, I started dating a guy that was much older than I was, like three, four years older than me, and dated him for a number of years and as I pushed against the church during this time. Then we get into my senior year of high school and he and I, at that point, we're talking about getting married. And as I'm approaching graduation, you know, we had talked about it. I later found out that the day he was going to propose to me, we ended up getting into a fight. So instead of a marriage proposal, we ended up getting in a fight, and we found ourselves breaking up. Now, of course, I know it was, I'm sure God intervenes here. And I had a moment to kind of sit and contemplate, what do I want my life to look like? Like when I'm married, how do I want to raise my kids? Do I want my kids to be in the church? Do I want them to know about God? And if I were to marry someone outside of the church, would I, how would I feel about them, you know, not going to church, and when I'd be pulling my kids by myself, and it kind of gave me some time to contemplate. And at that time,

06:06

after a little bit, he came back and said, “I know that I'm supposed to marry you. We need to get back together. I know, I'm supposed to marry you.” And at that point, I had totally reconnected to my patriarchal blessing. And I said, “That's funny, because I know I'm not supposed to marry you.” My patriarchal blessing is very clear about my husband. And I was like, “I know, I'm not supposed to marry you. And I know that I need to move on.” And at that time, I decided to fully commit myself into the gospel. And, you know, I started deep diving into reading the Book of Mormon, and just getting my life back in order. And at that time, I went off to college. And right after I went into college, I met my husband. And my husband is like, exactly the person that was described in my patriarchal blessing. And you know, and of course, I was like, “Oh, my gosh, I could have totally messed this up with my own thoughts, my own thinking, and my husband is like a saint. He is a saint. And we kind of joke that my mom always says, he was like, the best thing that happened to me, that he's our better half. And he made me want to be a better person. I'd gone back to church, I had started that path. But it was like he made me want to commit myself even more. And so we got married. You know, it took us six years to be able to have kids. And so we weren't able to get pregnant. And then we found ourselves with three little girls in less than three years.

ASHLY

Wow. LINSDI

And that was overwhelming to go from wanting a baby so bad to all of a sudden having three babies. I was like, “Oh, my word.” I was so overwhelmed. Like, it was so overwhelming, and they were so close to my age. And at that point, when I had my third daughter, I found myself falling into a deep depression. At the time, I didn't realize it. But I I recognized later that I was really struggling with postpartum depression. And that was really hard. And at the same time, my husband lost his job. And we were without work. Had these three babies. You know, we were in a super financial struggle at this point. You know, we had our car repossessed, we were almost on the verge of foreclosure on our house. It was like, really hard time. And at this point, I'm not feeling God in my life at all. And I am struggling. And I remember having a conversation, you know, my husband had gone months without work. I was struggling so bad. And I was on the phone with my mom. And she's just like, Lindsi, you just need to have faith. Just hang on, you know, God's aware of you. And I found myself yelling at her on the phone.

09:08

And I was like, I don't know if I believe in God right now. I said, I don't feel Him. He's not here in my life. And I don't know if I believe in Him right now. I don't know if there is a God, because he sure as heck isn't around here. And I was, I think I was kind of surprised to hear that out of my mouth. But it was like, that was where I had gotten, I had gotten really low. I don't remember how soon after that. But you know, I was just like, God isn't aware of me. He doesn't even know, you know, he's not showing up. And I remember my bishop and a member of the bishopric came over and showed up at our house, just to check on us, see how we were doing. And as the bishop went to go leave, he reached to go shake my hand and he looked me square in the eyes. And he says, “Lindsi, God is aware of you.”

ASHLY

Oh my gosh.

LINDSI

And I was like, “Okay, that was like the little bit of hope that I needed.” I was like, okay, he didn't know exactly, he had no idea where I was at. And yet those were like the words I needed to hear at that moment. At that point, things improved. My husband found a job, he's been in that job ever since. It's an amazing job. So then we continue on. And at that point, I had become very passionate about strengthening my relationship with God, deepening that, and also helping other people. Like, I just love the idea of strengthening, helping people strengthen their testimonies, or just having that connection, and wanting people to have that desire to want to connect to God, to, you know, just deepen that relationship. And so a friend of mine, that was on Facebook, we, we knew each other, but we weren't like, super close, she came to me and she's like, “Hey, Lindsi, I think we need to do retreats together.” And I was like, I like that idea. She's like, “I want to do some spiritual retreats, a space for women to come together, and let them create a safe space for them to create to God, or to connect to God, that they can create and develop that relationship more and just create a spiritual sisterhood, gathering and allow people to come together and strengthen that relationship.” And I was like, “I love that idea. I am on board.” So in 2016, she and I came together. And we created these retreats that we called the Connecting to the Divine retreats. And so it was a way to connect to God, to connect to Christ, to connect to the divinity within each of us. In September of 2016, we put on our very first retreat, we put on this and created like these, watching women be there for each other and the sisterhood. I left that retreat and I was like, “This is what Relief Society needs to feel like; like we need this type of sisterhood, where people can be there for each other and just like, support each other through their journeys.” And I remember I was sitting there after the retreat at some point. And I was peeling potatoes pondering on the sisterhood and this love that all these women had for each other. And I'm peeling potatoes, and it comes very clear, “Lindsi, I want you to help do that in your ward. You're going to be called into the Relief Society presidency.” And I was like, “Oh, boy, am I prepared for this? Am I ready for that?” And sure enough, within a few weeks of that, I was called as the first counselor in the Relief Society presidency. I was very

12:57

unaware of the journey I was gonna go down after that point. I was called into the Relief Society presidency. I discovered very quickly that the president who had put me in, I didn't know her, she was new to the ward. And so we didn't know each other. Our personalities were a little bit different. We kind of had different approaches to things. And the bishop that was in at the time was also kind of a newer bishop. But his personality and my personality were just different. And so it's not, you know, one isn't right and one, not the other, but it was just different. And at that point, as I was in Relief Society, when in the presidency, I discovered I was struggling, really bad with feeling like as a woman, I didn't have a say in anything. And I realized I was like, everything goes through the bishop. Every like, there the man has the last word. And I was not, I was struggling with that fact. And I didn't realize how much I was struggling with being a woman in the church and where my role was as a woman. And all of a sudden, it triggered some deep stuff for me that all of a sudden, I was like, God doesn't love women as much. And God doesn't love me. I'm a woman. And I had all this proof that I'm like, he doesn't love women as much, and he favors men. And I found myself going down this really crazy spiral, where all of a sudden, I am questioning everything. And I am feeling heartbroken. And I'm like, “God, do you even love me? Do you love me as a woman?” and I'm looking at Eve, and in my mind, I'm like, “Eve. He didn't love Eve as much,” you know, like all of these things flooding in. And so, you know, we're taught that when we're struggling and stuff like that, I'm like, “I need to go to the scriptures.” And I decided, I'm like, “I'm going to do a 30-day scripture, Book of Mormon reading.” So I dedicated myself for 30 days. I was, for 30 days, I'm gonna read the Book of Mormon and going immerse myself and I'm going to feel God's love there and I'm going to get out of this funk that I'm starting to spiral and I started listening to the Book of Mormon and following along with it, and reading it, and all of a sudden, I'm like, I'm not feeling love. I'm feeling the opposite. Like, all I'm seeing is God's anger, and God's wrath. And I'm like, What is going on? And I was like, No, I'm gonna push through, we got to do this. And I kept doing it. And I kept listening. And probably, I made it through about half, over halfway. And I would end my scripture study just bawling. And I'm like, I'm not feeling the love of God, I am feeling God's wrath. And I feel like he's angry, and that he doesn't love me. And I was like, “This is not what we're taught.” And so I was like, “Hey, I'm gonna go to the temple, I'm gonna go put my focus on the temple.” I came home from the temple and would just cry. And I'm like, “There's proof there that God doesn't love me as a woman.” Like, I can't go to the temple, and I'm not feeling God's love. And I'm not feeling that he sees me as a woman. And I was like, really spiraling. And I was like, “What is going on? Like, where is this coming from?” And I started finding myself like, to the point that I was trying so hard in Relief Society, and I was like, God told me to try and create a loving sisterhood. And I'm like, I am not connecting. And I'm struggling. And I'm like, I can't hold this place. And I, like crashed. I was plummeting, and I was burning.

And about a year and a half earlier, so we're like, at this point, we're at like, May 2017. And about a year and a half before that. I had received very clearly, randomly, as I was willing to pray, the words, “Lindsi, I need you to open yourself up and be prepared to move.” And I was like, “Okay, that was not expected. But I guess I need to be open to moving.” And so we started looking for places and started trying to figure out what God wanted us to do. And nothing was falling into place. Everything was falling apart. So I was like, “Alright, I don't know what that was about.” So we kind of had it in the back of our minds. But we had stopped the looking process. And he was like, “Okay, well, it's just not right.” So here we are in May of 2017. And out of the blue, my husband, like, “I found a house that I wanted to look at, can we go and walk through this house?” So we show up and we walk through this house. And both of us are like, “This is our house.” Like, we know that this is where we're supposed to be. And we didn't have our house ready for– like it wasn't up for sale, we didn't have it ready to sell because we didn't feel like anything was coming together. So we put in an offer. And I think multiple offers came in and they accepted our offer. So we quickly got our house ready for sale, put our house up on the market. And on the first day, we ended up getting multiple offers. And we got a cash offer that day.

ASHLY

Wow.

LINDSI

We accepted the cash offer. And we were told that we had a week and a half to get out. So we have a week and a half to pack up our entire house with three young girls and get out of the house. I now know that that was literally Heavenly Father's way of “you have to get out of there now, or else you won't make it”– like that's how bad I was. I was, for me, I was plummeting. And before I knew it, like at the blink of an eye, I was gone. I was out of there. And I was like, “What is going on?” So we move into our new ward, you know, we move into our house and move into our new ward. And I'm still wrestling. And I'm like, “I don't know what is going on.” And I'm kind of sitting there and I'm wrestling. And I'm like, “Heavenly Father, all I want is truth. That is my deepest desire, is truth. Where is your truth? But I believe your truth is that you love me, but I can't feel it. And I'm struggling to feel loved as a woman. And I go to the temple and I don't see it. And I read the scriptures and I'm not feeling it. And, and you know, big, big issues with like, why is Heavenly Mother not spoken about? And if we are told to, you know, become like you? Well, I'm a woman and I want to become like a woman and how am I supposed to know what that's, you know, who to do that after?” And these were like all of the stuff that was just really eating at me. “But I want your truth. Wherever your truth is, I just want to know where your truth was. I want to do what You ask of me.” If I were to leave the church that would put my marriage in jeopardy because my husband wanted that celestial marriage. He was so anchored in the gospel. And I know that if I were to leave it would, it could destroy my marriage. But like, “Would I put my marriage on the altar, and would I sacrifice my marriage, if You told me the truth was somewhere else?” and I wrestled hardcore with this, for a long time … I became so confused.

ASHLY

20:47

What was your husband thinking during this time? Were you being open with him about all these things you were feeling? And …

LINDSI

I was like, he knew that I, like he knew that I was struggling to feel loved by God. And in his mind, he's like, I have no idea where this is coming from. He's like, I don't see why you feel this way. Going back to my situation with my dad, I always had issues with men, especially authority, men over me. So at this time, I'm struggling with authority, I'm struggling with, with the idea of the brethren, you know, and the Prophet and apostles are all men and over us, and I'm struggling, the bishops, you know, like all the leadership are men. But I never struggled with my husband, my husband never fit the bill. And my husband, like has a super soft spot in my heart. And so he's always like, “I don't understand why you're struggling with this, and why you feel this way.” Because my husband is not the kind of guy that would make me feel less than in any way. He always made me feel like an equal partner. And so I think he was like, “I don't understand why you're feeling this way. Because I'm trying …” not like, you know, I wondered if he thought that I was feeling like he was doing something. But it wasn't that at all. And that was the only time in our entire marriage that I think he sat there and was like, “I don't know if our marriage is going to make it.” Because it had become so rocky for me, that I was like, “I don't know if truth is here. I don't know where truth is. And I'm trying to feel God's love. And I believed that where truth is that I would feel loved.” And it was, it was just the most conflicting space I had ever experienced. The best way to describe–it was like, the mist of darkness. Like it was pure, thick darkness. And it was like I couldn't make sense of anything.

And so at this point, as I'm, like, deeply struggling, we had another retreat to put on. We had put on another one earlier that year, but we were putting on this one. And I was like, “I don't even know if I should be putting this on because I'm struggling myself. And I don't feel like I can really hold space for these women.” But I felt strongly that I needed to do it. And so I was like, I'm gonna go through with putting on this retreat.

We show up at this retreat. And I go to open up my suitcase. And I looked down, and I'm like, “Oh, my goodness, I just forgot all of my garments.” I had them all folded. I know, I had them right there. And they were all gone. And I was like, I can't believe I forgot my garments. And I'm like, “What am I gonna do? We're out in the middle of nowhere.” And it's not like shopping is anywhere close. I had this like panic, and all of a sudden is, I'm at this retreat. Women who are at this retreat start coming to me, and they're like, “Oh, it's because God is telling you not to wear your garments anymore.”

ASHLY

Oh, my gosh.

LINDSI

And I was like, what? And they're like, “Yeah, God told me not to wear my garments anymore.” And I was like, “What is going on? I don't know how I feel about that.” And I was like, “This is the weirdest experience.” And here we are, we're at this retreat. Here. I am one of the main, you know, I'm the one putting on this retreat. I'm the one holding on this space. And all of a sudden, all these women throughout this, this retreat are like, “Oh, well, God has told me to leave the church.” And I'm like, okay, now I'm super confused. Because I'm wrestling with this. I'm deeply wrestling like, and all of a sudden, I have women in my face telling me that God told them to leave the church. So now I'm like, “Is this where truth is? I genuinely don't know right now. And I am so lost. And I'm so confused.” And it was really interesting, because I ended up discovering a lot of the women that came were either in the process of leaving the church or had left the church, and I left my own retreat feeling so lost and confused. I was like, “What just happened?” and it was like I loved the women that were there. They were so beautiful. And like their spirits were so lovely. And I came home. And I felt so dark. And the mists of darkness got darker and darker. And I came home and I was like, “What is going on?” It was like the light had been squashed. And I was so lost. I was like, “Heavenly Father. I'm trying, like, I am trying and I am so confused. And I'm not feeling like you're answering me. And you're not guiding me. And I don't know where to go right now.” And I was just hanging on. But at this point, I honestly felt like my spirit was dead inside. Like that, that light inside of me was gone. And I hung on there. And, you know, at this point, we’re in the fall, and I reached the point that I was like, pleading, and I was like, “Heavenly Father, I need answers. I need answers. I am clinging, and I am wrestling. And I need answers.” And I was like, “I'm going to try the temple. I'm going to try the temple again.” I hadn't been for a long time, like months, months at that point, because it had triggered me so bad. And I went to the temple. And I came home, and I literally dropped to the floor. And I curled in a ball and I cried harder than I had ever cried in my life. And I was like, “Heavenly Father, I don't feel loved right now. I don't feel loved as a woman. I don't feel answers, and I am so confused.” And I gut-wrenchingly sobbed, like the most excruciating pain I had ever felt. And I was like, “I need answers. And I need answers. Now.”

I received the answer. “Go talk to your bishop.” And I was like, “That is the last thing that I want to hear. I do not want to hear, ‘Go talk to the bishop’ because Heavenly Father, I'm struggling with men and men in authority.” And I'm already struggling like, as a woman, you know, my place as a woman. And I was like, “Nope, that is the last thing that I want right now.” And I was like, “Nope, nope, not doing that. I need something else.” And then the next day, “Lindsi, go talk to your bishop.” And I was like, “I already told you, I don't like that answer.” And then the next day, this went on for five days straight. So here we are, it's on a Saturday. And it's the fifth day and I get “Lindsi, go, talk to your bishop.” And I am like, you know, people say not to contend not to argue with God. And I'm like, “If you want me to go talk to the bishop,” I'm like, “Heavenly Father, if this is your true church, if this is your gospel, and if those men are men of God, he will know that I am struggling.” And within the hour, I had a text message on my phone from the executive secretary asking me to meet with the bishop the next morning.

ASHLY

Oh, my. Wow.

LINDSI

And I literally got that text message on my phone. And I sat there staring at it. And I was like, “Are you for real?” And I just stared. Is this connected? I was like, “Is this what, is this part of this?” And I showed up at my bishop's office the next morning, and I walked in, and I sat down. He looks at me and he says, “What is going on? Where is your testimony right now?” And I broke down sobbing in his office. And I just told him everything I was struggling with. And I walked out of that door with absolute surety that this was the Lord's church.

ASHLY

Wow.

LINDSI

This is where He wanted me to be. And I am not even kidding. That all of a sudden, everything that I was struggling with

29:55

completely vanished. It was as if I was sitting in this mist of darkness. And after this, it was like He lifted me up. I'm a visual person. So I feel like Heavenly Father speaks to me through visuals. And so it was like I saw myself lifted out of that dark cloud. And I was up above in the sky, and it was like I could see the light. And it was like I was given a whole-view lens, that all of a sudden the things that I couldn't see–I couldn't go to the temple and see his love–and all of a sudden, He was teaching me. All of these things that triggered me? He was showing me how He loved me through them. And I no longer saw them the same way. I was not triggered by them. That like polygamy, I was triggered by polygamy, really bad. And all of a sudden, He completely brought a peace to my heart, that it no longer even fazed me. Eve. All of a sudden, I had a whole new perspective on Eve, and the truth of who she was and her role, and all of a sudden, I had an understanding of why the men were over the church. And it was like, I was seeing all of it through God's eyes, that all of the things that I struggled with so much, were no longer there.

ASHLY

That's so cool.

LINDSI

And it was like the most amazing experience where I just sat there. And I was like, why couldn't I see this before?

ASHLY

Mmhmm.

LINDSI

One of the biggest things that I've been taught since, was that I had so many deep beliefs. And the way that He taught me again, but going back to the visual, was I had weeds that had been planted inside of me that had grown; these weeds were taking up so much space. And because of my experience with my dad, and my dad wasn't around, I felt very abandoned by my dad as a kid. And I never felt like he loved me, because he never fought for us. He never wanted to be around us. And that had gone into my relationship with God, that I didn't feel like Heavenly Father loved me. And I couldn't see these things that I had these beliefs about men, and the way that men were and, you know, had these beliefs that women were less than. And all of a sudden, through this experience, He was showing me that He started plucking out the weeds that had grown inside of me. And all of a sudden there was room like I had completely, you know, humbled myself to the point that I was like, I just want answers wherever that is. And He gave those answers to me. And He gave me the space where those roots, you know, where those weeds had been planted. All of a sudden, I had space to grow my roots. I took my foundation, and I focused that next year afterwards, driving my roots deep. I went back, I was like, “Alright, I'm putting this to the challenge.” I went back to that 30-days Book of Mormon challenge. And I was like, “Okay, I'm going to do this 30-day Book of Mormon challenge, Heavenly Father. And I'm going to fast from all social media, I'm going to feast my life on the scriptures. And I'm going to attend the temple every single week,” during this time. I'm like, “So here, I'm doing my two big triggers now.” I'm immersing in the scriptures, and I'm going to the temple, and I'm going to put it, and not only that, I offered it out on social media, and said, “Who wants to do this with me? I'm going to put together a Voxer group. And whoever wants to join me, we're going to do this, and we're going to discuss our scriptures and our experiences together.” I don't even remember how many women I had. There were so many women in that group that jumped on board. And we all completely like fasted from social media, and we feasted on the scriptures together. And we went to the temple. And I kid you not, it was like one of the most incredible experiences. All of a sudden, the scriptures were no longer, it was like I could feel God's love through the scriptures. I was no longer hearing the wrath. And it was because of those beliefs that I had in there. That's what was showing up. And Heavenly Father was bringing them to the surface, saying “It's time to face these.”

ASHLY

Mmhmm.

LINDSI

And so that's what showed up for me. And I went to the temple. And all of a sudden, I fell in love with the temple. And at that point, I was like, every single week, for there on out I went every single week. And I focused entirely that whole year on driving those roots, you know, and really sticking into those core foundational pieces. And I became so passionate about the gospel. I feel so much passionate about the organization of it the way that it's meant to be, and the role of the men and I now see where our role is as women and how we complement each other. And, you know, just amazing things. There was a book that just anchored and really solidified, it's called Women in Eternity, Women in Zion. So if there's anyone out there that struggles with that, that book was a huge part that when things started opening up; it was confirming things I was being taught, and helped me expand things that I was being taught. And so that was a huge core piece. For me with that. You know, like I said, I drove those roots deep through that whole year. And I feel like it was a preparation. Once I got into our year 2019, it was the hardest year of our entire lives. And I don't think I would have made it through, had I not had my roots so deep, and been able to withstand the storm. And we've had, like, really, really major hardships. Since that point, I've been able to stay strong through it and have the faith to be able to make it through and have experiences like God telling me to uproot my family, which is what we did this last year, uproot my family and move again, to a totally new place. Because that's what He asked me to do. And it's like, I don't know that I could have done that, and been strong enough to be able to do those types of things. And to endure, you know, we had family deaths, we ended up going through and my husband was in a very serious accident and severed his arm off, actually,

ASHLY

Oh, my gosh!

LINDSI

It had to be reconstructed back together, and he does have his arm. But we had to go through major reconstruction surgeries for him to be able to regain that. And, you know, anyway, I could go on forever with all the things that showed up that year, because it was one of those years that I went through a massive wrestle. And so I my experience wasn't leaving the church. But I think there's a lot of people that are kind of in that same boat right now, that are maybe on that fence, that are really wrestling, that things are pulling them. And they're feeling really confused on what truth is. And that was me, to be honest. It was very unexpected, because I thought that my roots were in a good place. I did. And then when certain things started showing up, I realized, wow, I was not expecting that. And that kind of wiped me on my back. And it made me realize, no, my roots were not deep enough. I wasn't strong enough. And I realized that I was kind of on that surface, that surface level. And so from that point, it's just gotten better. My relationship with God, and we just keep deepening it.

ASHLY