"One time my dad called me a few days after the seizure happened and I was trying to explain this feeling to him. I said "Dad I don't know what is going on, I have so much gratitude but at the same time I just had this life altering event. I don't know what happened, if I have some scary thing going on, but I just feel so much gratitude." He answered "I really think that is the spirit telling you that He is there with you and you are on the right track." That very second I connected the dots and I realized this was meant to happen. I had just prayed for an answer, and in the weirdest way, it felt so real to me. Ever since then I knew this was my answer."
Come Back PodcastTranscription
MORGAN
00:00
Two weeks before this all happened, I had just watched your show on “Unscripted Saints” and I'm like, “Oh my gosh, that is the coolest story ever”. And so, then I started following your podcast. And like, five days later, my friend was like, “Oh my gosh, have you guys heard this podcast? It's so good”. I'm like, “Oh my gosh, yes, I love it so much”.
ASHLY
00:20
That is awesome. Well, it's meant to be. I think that the whole, like, how I met my husband, his whole background, his whole baseball story with all of that, like, he, it's just like, it's crazy how like, all of those challenges that we went through, it's like, been like a gift, almost. Like we can, like, we can see how much our lives have changed. And to be able to be a witness of such change is like such a gift. And so it's, like, all those crazy things that happened, they, like have come full circle now. So…
MORGAN
Isn’t it so cool.
ASHLY
It is cool. But um, your friend that reached out, she told me that your story is amazing. And I actually am, I have a few questions for you once we get to the end that were actually submitted by some listeners. And so, I'm excited. They are new questions. I have kind of the same questions that I ask every time, but these are some new ones that are specifically for your scenario. So yeah, I'm excited to just hear all the things. So, if you want to start from the beginning, then yeah, that'd be awesome.
MORGAN
01:39
Okay, all right. So, um, I'll just kind of start from the beginning so, there's kind of a, you can know my life before all of this happened. But um, so first, I guess I'm a mom. I have four boys. They are so fun. My oldest, Kai, he's nine. And then Jace is seven. Hawk is five, and Gray is one. So, lots of boys in the house. They're super fun. Um, my husband and I have known each other like our whole lives. So, we dated in high school, high school sweethearts. And we've almost, it'll be 13 years that we've been married, like next week. So, kind of crazy. I'm both grew up in North Ogden, Utah. We still we live in Pleasant View, which is just kind of right there. But our families are both really close by and we love that. It's pretty awesome to have families nearby and stuff.
But um, anyway, I, I grew up in the church, and my family we were active, but we weren't like, just gung-ho about everything. You know, like, church was never like forced or anything. I mean, they encouraged us to go, my parents. I'm the oldest of three kids, I have a younger sister and a younger brother. I love my family, amazing parents, just so loving. And honestly, I can say never felt like, like, I guess the word might be rebellious towards the church, because I wasn’t always forced. It really was like, Yeah, I think you should go, and I mean they probably were disappointed on the times I didn't go but it was never like a forced thing. And looking back, I'm so grateful that it was always my choice. I've always been, like a rule follower and don't like to ruffle feathers. I, like I said, I love my parents, and I always wanted to make them proud of me and just do what they wanted me to do. Um, and I never minded going to church, I just kind of like went just to go, I wouldn't say I was ever the person that was like, doing things to build my testimony and just doing all these extra things. I just went and yeah, honestly, you just kind of go with the flow just kind of there and come home and didn't really think about church until next Sunday. And I don't know that I ever, like had some amazing moment where I just felt the Spirit, like when I was younger. Except, it's not called EFY now. I think it's, is it FSA that they call it now? So, I went to EFY.
ASHLY
Yeah, yeah. Or FSY I think, maybe. Actually, I don't really know.
MORGAN
It's called something else. But it used to be called EFY and you’d go for like four or five days or something. And I went to that when I was 14 with some friends. And it was such a spiritual experience for me. It was like the first time that I really, like listened. And I think it helped that it wasn't like older teachers. They were young adults, and they felt more connected with what they were saying. And I just felt the spirit is so strong there and I remember coming home and like almost being discouraged, like oh my gosh, how do I keep up this feeling? And I didn't go on a mission, so I don't know. But I feel like I hear a lot of missionaries say when they come home, it's a hard adjustment to be on such a spiritual high and then come home and be like, man, this is the real world. How do you go on, you know. And I remember thinking that, after I got home from EFY, like, man, this is like, I just want to stay there. I just want to feel this feeling all the time. And I think that was a good time in my life to feel that. I was in ninth grade, and it was just really good. I enjoyed seminary, Junior High and high school, I had lots of friends that were kind of had the same interests. And so, it was just kind of easy, you know. Again, I wasn't at this point, really doing anything to deepen my testimony. It was just kind of how Utah culture is I guess, it's just the norm. And I just kind of went with it. But um, I feel like when I started to kind of not even drift away, but just put a lot less effort in started in high school. I was involved in drill team. And if you're involved in anything in high school, it's hard to do anything extra, you know. There's like practice after school before school. And so that was kind of my out of like, I don't want to go to mutual today, I just finally have a break, or I didn't have a break. And I just missed a lot of things. And I feel like that's kind of where I started to just easily make excuses to not go to the activities. And it was easier to sleep in on Sunday mornings. And I would still go. But I just like as I was thinking about kind of my journey, I feel like that's when I kind of started to not put the effort in that I should have. After high school, I think like, kind of leaving your bubble of all the things that you're familiar with, and people you're familiar with, I just started hearing things about the church that I was like, Man I have never heard that before. I don't know how I feel about that. Just like all the common questions and opinions and things that you hear all the time now. But at that time, I was like, Oh my gosh, like, that's kind of a good question. I don't know the answer to that. And I've never heard that. And it just was like unsettling, you know? When you grow up learning something your whole life, and then you hear something that is like, I guess that's not that far-fetched. And it just is kind of like rattles your world a little bit. And so, I didn't like stop going to church, but I did a lot of those questions. I was like, Man, I really don't know. Like, that's a tough question. And it's kind of hard to swallow if you don't, like have something to say, no, that's incorrect, here's the definite answer, you know. And so, I was just kind of in that place, like, Yeah, I'll go but again, like not really any connection just going because that's what you do. Like, all my friends are going, my family was still going and so I just kind of went.
So, my husband and I, it's kind of a cute story so, I feel like I have to tell it. But like I said, we've known each other our whole lives. And we were actually in the same first grade class together. And my mom, when we got married, I was going through all of our photos and stuff to put together like a photo montage or whatever. And my mom was like, you will not believe what I found. In first grade, our teacher had everyone in the class write, like something nice about the birthday person. And then she made a book out of it, and you could keep it and stuff. And in that book, my husband wrote this little like, love poem. And like, the Roses are red, violets are blue. And then he's like, love your secret admirer. And then he put his name, Cole. And so, it was so cute to like, go back and see that and I totally forgot, I didn't even know. So that was kind of a fun thing. It was kind of fun to come across. Anyway, so we'd known each other for a long time. And we started dating our junior year in high school. And, um, right after high school, he got drafted to play baseball for the New York Mets in the minor leagues. And so, he, right after high school, I want to say like, two weeks, right after we graduated. He went to Florida, that's where the minor league team was, and he was there for like, six months or whatever. So, he would go do that. And I was going to school at UVU at that time. So, he'd be gone for like six months and then be home for six months. And we stayed together, but it was kind of hard and I don't know it's just kind of a weird time in life too. You're just, like thrown out into the world and you're just trying to figure so many things out. And anyway, he did that for like, five years. And then he actually had to get shoulder surgery. He was a pitcher. And so…
ASHLY
10:08
Oh my. My husband deals with literally, I'm not kidding you, like one hour ago, he was like, I'm getting shoulder surgery in the fall. He's already had it once. And that actually took him down his path of drugs was his shoulder. And he, obviously from his baseball days. So that’s crazy! But anyway, sorry to interrupt.
MORGAN
10:31
No, you're fine. Yeah, he those surgeries, they're no joke. And it just, he kind of wasn't the same after that, like, able to throw the same. And so, after that he was done. But um, anyway, so that was a cool experience, I actually, I was able to go out and see him and see the fields and all that stuff and it was pretty cool. At this point, I still just wasn’t, I was just randomly going to church and kind of like, I wouldn't say I was inactive, but I like was rarely going. Not going that often at all. And then we got married in 2010. And we decided not to get married in the temple. We went back and forth quite a bit, because we dated for a long time. And there, like wasn't any, like, major pressure from our families. But it's kind of like that unsaid thing, like, no one really said, like, you need to get married in the temple. But it was just like, we obviously knew that's what our parents wanted for each of us. So, we, we talked about it and kind of went back and forth. And I guess I can't really speak for my husband. But in my mind, I was like, ya know I just still feel so unsettled about these questions. And I wouldn't say it was like I was ever anti the church. But there were things that made me not want to be all in. I just was like; I just don't know about this. And I still like respected the church and people that wanted to get married in the temple and things. So, I was like, I am not. It just feels so unauthentic for me to push for this thing to get married in the temple that I just don't feel is genuine for me right now. If I'm going to make a commitment like that, I want to be all in, I want to do it for the right reasons. And so, because of that, we're like, you know, what, now is not the time. We're just we're not going to do it. And, and it was fine. Like, our families were so supportive, and there was no, there were no issues. I think deep down though, I was kind of like, man, I wish I could get to that place. Like I wanted to be there. I just wasn't. So, I still, to this day feel good about our decision. And I mean, you know, things happen the way they're supposed to. And sometimes you can't tell until a long way down the road. But, um, anyway, so we didn't get married in the temple. And I feel like, gradually after that my heart hardened more and more towards the church. And I think it was because I and I looking back I know none of these people meant like to be insensitive, or not very thoughtful in what they're saying. But like when you're the person that is like, not the norm of the culture. North Ogden, it's pretty small and kind of one of those places where everyone feels like they know everyone and kind of knows what's going on in everyone's life. I think I was just feeling like, we were being judged, because we didn't get married in the temple. And both of our families are active, active members, and so it just kind of felt to me that we were being judged. We'd have people come and, like, invite us to church and kind of ask questions. And I, over the years, I almost would feel like offended almost. Like, do you think I'm not happy just because I didn't get married in the temple? Like, I'm perfectly happy. And again, I'm not saying these people thought that that was just my perception of it. And I was like, gosh, that is just not fair that people are just assuming that we're not happy and they need to come and save us and do all these things to help us be happy. It's like, no. We are perfectly happy. We're fine. Like, just let it be, you know. I do feel like some of your other guests you've had on have kind of had similar feelings. And I don't know, it's probably just in my head. So, I feel like over the years, I gradually became more distanced from the church just because of like, it started to feel like it was getting pushed on us. And I was like, this is a personal thing. Like, if I don't want it, I don't want it. And I just, I need to be there. I didn't even really think about church a lot of those years that we weren't going, unless someone brought it up. I really didn't think about it. I didn't think I was like, missing out on anything. And like, I am perfectly happy. If anything, I'm less stressed, like not having to worry about all the things with that come with being an active member. And I was like, man, I can like, just chill on Sundays, I don't feel guilty about it. Like, all these things that I was like, why do we put so much stress on ourselves. And again, it's, that's a choice, you know, doesn't have anything to do with the church, that's a choice to feel those things. But I did, I felt like that for a long time. Um, occasionally, I would go to church. I'd kind of get the itch, like maybe I should just give it a try. Like, we always had nice neighbors, and we fix up a lot of houses and then sell them. So, we moved quite a bit. And so, every once in a while, I tried to go for a few weeks, and it just, like, didn't click. It's like, I would feel good when I was there. But then my husband, Cole, he didn't want to go. So, I'm like, this is just kind of creating this wedge that I don't like, like I don't, I'm fine, I don't need to go. And he was never like telling me not to go. He was supportive if I wanted to go. He just didn't want to go. So, I go a few times, and then I wouldn't go for a long time. And I did that off and on.
Then I would say, the first time I genuinely, like started to think deeply about things was after I had my first son, Kai. And I think having a baby, especially your first, you just feel so close to heaven. Like look at this little miracle. This little baby. How, like, I don't want him to miss out on anything because of me. And so, I really started to think like, do I should I go even if it's just for him, like, I don't want him to miss out on anything. And so, I would say that's when I first really deeply thought about it. Like, I just love this baby so much. And he's such a miracle and you just feel so close to heaven when you have a baby, and I think you have a child.
ASHLY
17:36
Yep, I have two. I can 100% feel the same way.
MORGAN
17:41
It is just the most beautiful experience ever. They’re, just literally angels. And so that was when I really started to think deeply about things. Again, I wouldn't say I started going like when he was a baby. But as he got to like nursery age or sunbeam age, I was like, maybe we should have him go and just, you know, the church doesn't teach anything bad, so, maybe I'll just have him go and you know, learn the things. And again, I’d try for a few weeks, and it just never really clicked and I kind of had the same feelings with my second son Jace. And then my third son Hawk. I just kept having this feeling like, I feel like I need something more. If anything for them. Like, I don't know how I feel, but I just did not want them to miss out on something because of me. Like I said it was never anti church. I always believed in Christianity. It was more like our church, the LDS church specific questions that I just could not come to terms with. So, I was like, maybe we’ll just like start having our own lessons at home and I can teach them that there is more to life than just here and to know that there's a God and to know that there's life after this and I don't know, I think just things going on the world. I was feeling so anxious. Like I need to give my children something to be like hopeful for and something to hold on to in this crazy world. And I feel like it's only going to get crazier, and I just want them to have something to hold on to. And so, it was kind of a weird thing, because here I was wanting this for my kids, but I was still like on the fence about it. So, looking back I'm like that is just strange. Obviously, I knew something was there because I wanted, I think I wanted it for my children. Anyway, so I was just on this fence for a long time, and I started to feel anxiety a little bit. I think just I mean you know with having children you just want the very best for them. You want to protect them. You want to do all you can to just set them up the best way you possibly can, as a parent. You just love them so much. Fast forward nine years and three kids later, I just finally was like, I, there's something like I need to fill this void. I don't know what it is. I still was feeling unsettled about the LDS church, but I was like, I know, I believe in Jesus Christ. So, I'm going to study the Bible. I'm going to go back and really look into the Bible stories and just see if I can find some answers there. Because that is something I do still believe in. And I know that. So, I started. I am by no means like a scripture person at all. Like, I'm totally the person that is like, reading all the things that come with notes that can kind of explain.
ASHLY
20:58
Me too, me too!
MORGAN
21:00
I have to have that. Like, I don't know, if I started reading all of the, I think it's what's his name, Jeff Bridges? Something with Bridges.
ASHLY
21:10
David bridges, I was literally had that on the tip of my tongue before you said it, because I have the same ones.
MORGAN
21:17
They are so good! I'm sure it's good to read stuff on your own too. But at least for me, like, I don't get all those underlying messages right off the bat. Like I need someone to tell me, that is amazing. I never would have thought of that myself. So anyway, I got like, it wasn't one of his books at this time. But I did find a book like that, that just kind of had notes about all of the Bible stories. And I just remember thinking like, how have I never understood these until now? Like, these are so relatable to our times. Like the basic the symbolism of all the stories and the messages that are in there, like it is so relatable to our times now. And I was just blown away, like, these are such good messages, how am I in this age and I've never, like thought this deeply about it before. How did I let this get through my fingers. So, I just I kind of became obsessed for a minute. Like just wanting to know more. I just loved getting the deeper message, and the symbolism in all of these stories. And another thing that I noticed, and was humbling, was to recognize how many of like the unbelievers in the stories. Like, so many of their attitudes and thoughts and behaviors were things that I had had in my mind and ways that I had acted. And I was like, how did I get here. Like, I am these people. I'm so grateful I've had such a blessed life, and how have I let my heart become so hardened towards I don't even know why. Like I just, it was really eye opening for me to have literally read words from the Bible. And I'm like, I have had those exact thoughts. I was so like, ashamed of myself. Here I am thinking, trying to do all these things but I had such a hardened heart and so much pride had gotten in the way of me just listening and like choosing to listen and learn. And so that was that was like, hard, but it was so good for me to read that and self-reflect a little bit. To be like, Man, I need to make some changes here because I am right in line with all of these like reading the story. It's like, it is so obvious, you're making the wrong choice. How could they make these choices, it's so obvious. But when it's in your real life, it's like, it just sneaks right in there, you know. It sneaks in to make different choices. And it's always harder to make the better choice. And so, I that was like a really big turning point for me, where I really started to have a softened heart.
So, around the same time, we had some neighbors move in next door. And they're from Washington. And at first, this is going to sound so rude, but we're like, oh, they're from out of state. Like, we're not going to feel judged and stuff. You know, because it's just, you know, I mean, growing up in Utah is just like a culture thing. And no one means anything bad by it, but it just kind of has a feel. Yeah, so we're like, oh, cool, like people from out of state. Anyway, I was kind of embarrassed when we met them because here, they are the new neighbors, and they come over to our house to introduce themselves. And they were so nice. Like immediately before we even really knew them. Like they told us their names. I was like these people are just nice. They're so nice. They had six kids. And I remember thinking like, oh my gosh, they look so young, how do they have six kids. They just, they're just like, the most beautiful people inside out. I just love them so much. But I, like, vividly remember that first time meeting them just feeling like they are just, I don't know what it is about them, I just am drawn to them. They're just so nice. In that same conversation, we learned they were members of the church. Of course, when I heard that, I'm like, oh, here we go. We're going to have to tell them, we're not active. And I don't know, just the whole spiel, you know. So, we told them, we were members, but we weren’t active. And I was like, relieved and like interested, that they were not judgmental at all. Like I genuinely felt from them that they, they wanted to be our friends, whether we were members or not. And not that I had ever felt the opposite from anyone. Not that I ever felt that someone was like, I'm not going to be your friend because you're not active. But it just, they just felt so sincere. And I was just so impressed by that. Ever since then, like the more we got to know them we had, so our oldest son was the same age as their youngest son. And so, our kids played together all the time. And so, I feel like we got to know them more just because we were communicating like, can your kid play? And can they come over here, whatever. And so, we talked often to them, and I just the more I got to know them, the more I was just like, I just wanted to know more about them. Like, how, why are they like this, like they, I just want to be them. They are just the nicest people. And I know they have done financially really well in their lives. And I was another thing this might sound so silly, but I was just so impressed by how humble they were. Like, I feel like it's so easy in this world to just want all the material things and to just want all the things. And these people I know they could have had probably anything they wanted. And they were just so humble. And it just impressed me so much. Because I feel like especially if you're in the situation where you can buy and do all the things that you want to do it's probably even harder to not do those things. Like it just really, they were just so different. Like, I was just really impressed by everything about them. They, I learned that every single morning they got up and studied scriptures together as a family. And I had never done that in my family. And I was like, how do you do that? Like, how do you get your whole family up before school? They had kids in High School, Junior High and Elementary. And every single morning, they would get up and do scripture study. And I was just, I was so impressed with that. And I think another thing that I really loved about them. And again, I feel like I'm bashing on Utah culture a lot. I love living in Utah, I really do. Like, we've always had so many nice neighbors, and I love living in Utah. I think it was just during this time in my life when I wasn't active, I just felt maybe hypersensitive to all of these things. But I do feel like sometimes, another thing that kind of made me feel like not super interested in the church is it does start because it is so common and it is the culture here, I started to feel like, I feel like people just go for the social part. Like, it just doesn't feel genuine sometimes. And so, I kind of started to get that in my head like, people just go because they want to make sure they look like they're going and they're being active, you know. And I'm like, I just don't want that. Like, if I'm going to go, I'm going to go because I want to go. And by seeing this family that moved in behind us, I was like, this is like they truly go because they want to go, and they are living the gospel in every way because they want to like they don't know anyone here. They're not trying to impress anyone or trying to look a certain way they like truly believe it. And they're doing all of these things. And I it was just moving for me, like just watching them. Do all of these things. It made me just want to change my life like these people just have it together and I can feel that around them. I just I loved being around them. I loved talking to them. I just loved everything about them. And so, because of their example like they never bugged us about church anything. Like nothing. They it was just pure example that made me want to do more and change what I was doing in my life. And that was the first time that I was just like this, I just want to be like them. What do I need to do to have what they have. And my life was happy. I'm not saying that I was in this unhappy place. And I love my husband, I love my kids, we were very blessed, we had so many things that I'm so grateful for. But there was just this, this void. And I don't really know how to explain it. But I was like, I just need something. And this family's example is, honestly what made me like, I need to know, like, I need to know if I'm doing the right thing. So, I really started to dig deep in my religion search or my soul searching. I just, I still was on the fence about the church. Like, even though I love this family, I was like, I just, I still just don't know, like, no one can give me a direct answer to these questions. And I don't know how I feel about that. Because it's a big commitment if you want to, like, truly be an active member of the church. So, I still was just in that place. I want to say it was a couple months go by, that I’m just still doing all this, studying in the Bible, and just observing and admiring this family. I’m just so impressed with everything about them. I was like, I just need to know, I need to know if what I'm doing is the right thing. So, I decided to say a prayer. And I remember even going to say the prayer, I'm like, what am I doing like, I haven't said a prayer in a long time. Like what I don't know, I just, I think you've become like, if you distance yourself long enough, it almost feels like I don't even know what to do. Like, I don't know what to say. I don't know what to ask for. I don't feel worthy to ask for anything, like who am I to just say this prayer and ask for these things when I'm not doing anything to deserve it. You know? I kind of had those thoughts. But, um, so I said this prayer, and I have said lots of prayers in my life. And this was the first time that I wanted to just have an open heart and an open mind. And I just asked Heavenly Father, like, please let me know if I am doing the right thing. By trying to learn more about the church, I want to do the right thing for my family. I want to do the right thing for me and have a handful of really difficult questions. And I don't want anything to get in the way of an answer. I feel like I need an answer that is undeniable. Because I just like I said, I have all these hard questions, that it's hard to have an open mind and an open heart when you have these really hard things going on in your head. So, I remember being very emotional in my prayer and just wanting to be so honest, like, please just let me know an answer. And I don't want any anything to get in the way of an answer. So, I continue on this journey, still studying, still praying, thinking about it all the time, just like waiting. Am I going to get an answer? I don't even know just, you know, I kept thinking like, well, everyone always talks about how Joseph Smith just read that one scripture and he just went and asked. So, I'm like, well, here we go. I guess we'll just give it a try. And anyway. Honestly, it was not even two weeks later, that I definitely got my answer. I had a grand mal seizure in my sleep. And I've never had a seizure before in my life. So, it was really traumatic. It was in the middle of the night. My husband just heard me making these choking noises and he turn the light on, and I was shaking. And I guess he didn't know this at the time but I had bitten my tongue. And so, there's blood coming out of my mouth, like, really traumatic. And also, our son, our oldest son had come in our bed in the middle of the night that night, so he was there and saw the whole thing. And it was just really traumatic. I don't remember anything about the seizure. I just remember waking up and my bed was just surrounded by all of these EMTs I'm like, what's going on? Like am I dreaming? Why are all these people in here and Cole, he's like frantically getting dressed. And he's like, you just had a seizure. I'm like, what? And I still just didn't really click. I was just, they were the EMTs were asking me questions, and I'm like, I just do not know what's going on, this is weird. And Cole just kept telling me you just had a seizure. They're going to take you to the hospital. I'm like, okay, and I felt fine at this point. So I go down the hall, and I see my son. And remember that he came in our bed and I'm like, oh my gosh, he just saw this. And right from then I just started sobbing, I felt horrible that he had to see that and I just was a miss. After that, I cried the whole way to the hospital. And they took me in an ambulance just because we didn't, where I've never had a seizure before we're like, what is going on? I don't even know what just happened. I don't know if the EMTs actually even saw me having the seizure. They may have gotten there after. So, they took me in an ambulance, and I was just sobbing like uncontrollably the whole time. Just like what is happening. My poor son just saw this. And the EMT was so sweet and nice. He just kept telling me like, it's going to be okay, we're going to take you to the hospital. And I mean, I was sobbing to the point I couldn't even hardly talk. Except I do remember I just kept asking what day is it? I was just so confused. What day is it? Are we really in an ambulance? What like what days it and I just remember being like, feeling like I was in another world or something. It was weird. Anyway, it was just a really traumatic thing and
ASHLY
36:15
Did you find out what the what caused it or what?
MORGAN
36:18
Well, yes, and I'll come back to that in just a minute. It wasn't, there wasn't they didn't find anything at the hospital. They did like a CT scan and a bunch of tests, and they didn't see anything concerning and so they gave me some medicine to take. And one thing that was that made it hard too at this time was we were hoping to try for another baby. And I'm like, I am like 99% sure being on a seizure medication, you cannot be pregnant. And so that was like, the first thing that popped in my head, like, what is going on? Like, I don't know, it's just hard when I know everyone has their own hard things with fertility and things. But I feel like when you have that thought in your mind, and there's something that's stopping you, it's, it's really a hard thing to process. And so, I was just really stuck on that for a while, like, I can’t have kids, anymore kids now. And I was really sad about that. Anyway, so we get home. And I really, I don't remember that much. I remember like the things I just talked about, but getting, I don't even remember getting home. I think I slept like the entire day after that. I just don't remember a lot about much after that. Even like that whole week, I remember little things. But it was just a weird thing. But I do remember the way that I felt after. I was, I've never felt that way in my life. I was just completely overwhelmed with this feeling. And I, I just couldn't stop crying. It wasn't like a sad cry. I was just so emotional. We had neighbors coming over, some that I didn't even know. They were just bringing us meals and offering to drive because I couldn't drive. If you have a seizure like that you can't drive for like six months. So that was hard. I had kids to get to and from school, and you just don't realize how awesome it is to drive until you can't drive. And we just had all these people coming to help me that I didn't know, or I kind of knew, but I'm like, these people are so nice. They're taking time out of their day to make a meal for me. They don't even know me. They're calling to check on me. And then I could just feel that they genuinely were worried about me and wanted to help me. Every time someone came over, I would just get overcome with emotion. I could not keep it together, like ‘what is going on?’ Like is the medicine causing me to be emotional or what is going on? I just, I was just so overwhelmed with this feeling of gratitude. Just grateful to be alive. I was grateful for the EMTs that helped me. I was grateful for the doctors. For my parents that just without question came over to my house at four in the morning to watch my kids so I can go to the hospital. Just so much gratitude, and I don't even I couldn't find the words then. And I still can't find the words. I don't know if there are words to describe the way that I felt. I just overwhelmed with emotion. I just couldn't even keep it together for like weeks after. But I remember my dad would call me every day. My mom would call me just calling see. And I remember one time my dad called me a few days after the seizure happened and I was just trying to explain this feeling to him. Like Dad, I don't know what's going on. I just have so much gratitude but at the same time like how can I be feeling gratitude and just had this life altering event. I don't know why this happened. I don't know if I have like, some scary thing going on. But I just feel so much gratitude. And he was like, I really think that is the Spirit telling you that he's there with you and that you're on the right track. And that very second, I connected the dots. Like, oh, my gosh, this was meant to happen. I just prayed for an answer and in the weirdest way, I don't know, I still I can't explain how that would be an answer. But it felt so real to me. And ever since then, I was like, this is my answer. Overwhelmed with emotion and love and gratitude. That's the only, that doesn't even come close to how I felt. But that's what kind of just sums it up. I just felt so loved and so grateful. And looking back, I mean, a few weeks later, I was thinking about kind of the timeline of things that happened. And during that time leading up to when I had that seizure, I was going to start a new job at the hospital. I had a friend that worked there, and she's like, it's a great mom job. You can kind of pick your shifts, and you can work through the night, so you don't have to miss anything. So that was kind of stressful because having kids, it's hard to do anything extra, you know. And so, I was going to do that and I thought about it and was like, how weird is that? The day that I was supposed to start my first shift that night before is when I had a seizure. And so, I couldn't work after that. I mean, I couldn't even drive. And when I thought about that, I’m like how weird is that, that I have a seizure the day before I'm supposed to start a job. I was like, I honestly feel like that's a sign that at least at this time in my life, I shouldn't be working. I need to be home and focusing on my children. And I could go on about all the little things, but there were so many little things like that. That is not a coincidence, what in the world, you know. Again, I just felt so grateful. And I just for weeks, I felt like I was on this spiritual high. I just wanted to know all the things. I wanted to learn more. I wanted to just do all the things that I wanted to do. It was like an overnight change of heart, like instant. Looking back, I'm so grateful for that. Because I mean, I don't know where I'd be spiritually if that hadn't happened to me. And I don't think everyone has, you know, like an overnight, just drastic experience like that, where they do get an answer like that. And I'm so, so grateful that I was able, I feel like to get such a direct answer from Him where it was within a week of that prayer that I remember saying and like kind of giving me this message that you need to be home with your children right now. Now's not the time to be worrying about a job. You know, there's a reason that your neighbors moved in and had such an influence on you. And you were kind of in this faith crisis. And just all these things. I was just flooded. Like I didn't know how to process all the things, but I wanted to because I was just so grateful. Another thing that I felt like it was just an answer, like straight from Heavenly Father was I felt like nothing else mattered. Like none of the material things I worried about mattered. I was like, I don't care that I don't have the nicest car. I don't care that I don't have the nicest house. I'm just grateful to have a car. I'm grateful to have a home. I'm grateful for my beautiful children. I'm grateful for my husband. And I felt like it was such a good like, reality check for me like what is important? And that was so good for me. Like I my soul just needed that that was just another like confirming thing that that was my answer. Like these things that seem like such a big deal to me are not anymore. I just I want to do everything I can to serve the Savior. Like I that was another thought that kept going through my mind like how prideful I was. I just felt so ashamed and so like, regretful for the way that I was before. Just feeling all of these things and knowing that He was there with me the whole time, just waiting for me to make that choice to turn to Him and ask for help and turn to Him to learn more. That was another thing I was overcome with like; I just can't believe like He I know I can feel that He loves me so much. How did I make him wait this long for me to turn to him and ask for help. And that's, I just barely put in a little effort. And He gives me this answer. And I just felt so grateful for that. And so humbled by that, that He was willing to wait for me for all those years. And even when I put in just the tiniest bit of effort, He'll still answer me, and He still loves me. And that was such a humbling thought process to go through. And I'm grateful that I went through that because I feel like my love for the Savior just grew so much overnight.
MORGAN
45:37
Because of that I started to I was like; I'm reading the Book of Mormon. I had been a member of the church my whole life, and I'd never read the Book of Mormon cover to cover. So, this is when I bought the Book of Mormon made easier, because I'm like, I'm not just reading it. I'm going to read it and get all the notes. So, I read the whole thing, plus all those extra pages of notes. I woke up every single morning and would read. I’d wake up as early as I could, so I could get in as much time before my kids woke up, because I just was so driven. And I have never been like that in my life about anything religion. But I just wanted to do more so badly. And I wanted to do anything He wanted me to do. Like, Heavenly Father, what do you want me to do? I will do anything. I just, I just want to do more. I felt so guilty for missing out on all of those years of not doing everything I could for Him. And so, this time, I was like, I just, what can I do? Let me learn more helped me to learn more. And I remember reading the Book of Mormon and there wasn't a page that went by that I wasn't, I couldn't feel the spirit. I'm like, this is true. I'm not even done with it. And I feel like this is true. I still don't have answers to those questions that I had. But I just feel like it is true. And I would read things, and I'm like this is so relatable. All of this can be applied in my life. And again, I read the stories. You know, the Lamanites or Laman and Lemuel and the comments they'd make, and I would just be overcome with emotion. Like I was that. I mean, I was saying those things, I was thinking those things. How can I do that. You know, and so, again, it was just so humbling, to read the Book of Mormon, and really, like, soak in the stories and the messages. And it was just really powerful to me, to read it and to have those extra notes, to kind of see the deeper message or maybe look at it from a different perspective than the way I would initially read it, you know. And it was, so it was just so good. And I read the whole thing I want to say within a couple of months. And I just, throughout the whole thing, I was just like this is this just feels true. And I remember thinking that. And I'm like, people have always said this in the church, like you just know. And before I was like, how do you just know, like, what does that mean? You can't just know. And then here I am reading the Book of Mormon having these feelings and like, this is how you know. You just can't describe it. And I know, I've listened to other guests on here that you've talked to, and they say the same thing. And it just is like, it's so meaningful and so powerful. Because when you hear someone talk about it, and you've experienced it, like I know that feeling, there's no words, and you still can't disprove things, and you still can't answer certain questions. But there's that feeling that you just know, and it just feels so good. And I had that so often reading all the pages of the Book of Mormon. I would have this conversation with my husband, because he, I mean, he saw this whole transformation. And I know that he knows that it's a genuine thing for me. He still has certain questions about the church and so occasionally we talk about it and I, I'm just being honest, and even still to this day, there's a lot of those questions that I'm like, Yeah, that's a hard question. I really don't know. But I know the way that I feel. And I feel like if I denied that I would be lying. And I would feel so guilty about that. Because that feeling is something I will never deny or say it didn't happen. It was just too powerful and too, like unexplainable. It was just amazing. And he's super respectful. We don't get like in arguments. He'll just ask and I'm like, I really wish I had an answer, I just don't. It's just for some reason, I just feel like it's the right thing to do. A few months later, a member of bishopric called me and asked me to speak in sacrament. And for anyone that knows me knows that is like, my worst nightmare. Like, I really struggle. It’s just like hard for me. I just don't like, when everyone's looking at me. It's just stressful for me. But I remember thinking when he called, I was like, I've been waiting for this. I have wanted to express my gratitude to my ward family so much. And I want to share my story so much, because I want them to know, like, your good example has an effect on people whether you think it does or doesn't. Like, I'm one of those people that your example, it changed my life. So, when he called, I didn't even hesitate. I'm like, yes, I will gladly speak. And the topic was on President Nelson's message of how do you Hear Him. I’m like, how perfect is this. Like, this is exactly what I need. And it just fell in line so perfectly. And I just was obsessed. I think it was like one week's notice for the talk. And that whole week, I just was like, consumed with how do I articulate these things? How do I say these things and express my gratitude to this amazing ward and express the love that I have for my Savior and just this, like instant change of heart, it was just like a miracle to me. I'm like, I don't know how to explain it. But I was so grateful to be able to talk and kind of share my story and let them know how grateful I am and how small acts of kindness are almost never small to the person receiving those acts of kindness. Even if it's just bringing over a plate of cookies, like that person remembers, because it was just a thoughtful thing, like, you know. Thank you for thinking of me. And so, I was able to thank them and share my story. And it was just a really cool experience. Because there were some people in that word that have known me, my whole life and have kind of seen my journey. And so, it was really special to me to be able to share, you know. I had this time in my life where I was questioning things and I've been able to experience this immense love and joy. And so, in a weird way grateful for that time that I was away. But it was just it was awesome to be able to speak in church. Another thing looking back, that was a miracle to me, was that week of church that I spoke was the last week they had church in person. And then COVID shut everything down. And I really didn't think about that until a few months later. I'm like, that is crazy. I mean, it was months that went by before the bishopric asked me to speak and like what are the chances that that last Sunday is the one that I get to speak at. And I think Heavenly Father knew that I just wanted so badly to share my story and to tell them thank you and how much I love them and appreciate them. We actually ended up moving before the churches opened back up to in person church. So, if I wouldn't have been able to give my talk that day, I never would have we weren't in that ward anymore. And so, I wouldn't have been able to do that. And that was another little miracle for me. Like I was just so grateful to be able to share that with these people who literally changed my life. I don't know it's hard to say because I don't like still have answers, like I said before, but just that feeling is something I will never forget in my whole entire life. It was just the most beautiful. I feel like I could totally relate to what they say in the Scriptures “burning in the bosom”. Like it was just powerful. Um, so yeah, that's kind of my conversion story. It just has changed my life. My whole life and perspective on the world has totally changed.
ASHLY
54:12
Wow, well, that is so amazing. I just Oh my gosh. That is so amazing. And I'm just thinking just of all the people that I can't wait to send this episode to. I just think that like so often we get caught up in like, like you said, like material things or just Utah culture, how Utah culture can be and there's just there is hard questions that we don't know the answers to. But that's not what this is all about. This is all about something so much deeper. And you just completely embody that. And it's just so amazing. And your story is just so incredible.
I have a couple questions for you. If you're okay to answer. If you’re not, then we can edit it out and we don’t have to include it. Okay. So, how is it with your husband? Is he still kind of not back in the church? And like, what has that dynamic been? Has that been something that's been challenging for you? Like, what's that…
MORGAN
55:43
So, he, he will go to church occasionally. He definitely still has questions and is not, we're not on the same page with church. But like he, I feel like we're both just respectful of each other's opinions. And I think, like me going through this whole journey, another reason I'm grateful that I was able to experience having all the questions and not having the church in my life. It's made me like, see everything in a different perspective. Like I, I know that you can't force things on people, like, how many years was I not going to church, and I had so many nice people, like in the nicest way, asking me to go to church or all these things. But it didn't do anything until I wanted to make that choice, you know. And so, I think having that perspective, helps me be respectful of like, well, I want to go to church, and Cole is respectful of me going to church, but I know that maybe this just isn't for him. And that's fine. Like me, getting upset, or like asking him to go every single week is not going to help. And I know that from my own experience. And so, I feel like that's been a good thing for us. He's super supportive of me going and I take our kids to church every week, and he's totally fine with that. So, it's, it's been fine for us. And I know, it's not that way for everyone. And I feel bad, because that would be really hard. Especially when, I mean, at least the way I feel it's like a true conversion. Like, you just want to do everything you can to be the best member of the church, that you can to just love your Heavenly Father and do everything that He wants. And if your spouse like has different opinions on that, it can be conflicting, like how do I do this, but still keep my relationship in a good place? You know? So, I am grateful because it's, it has been, it's been fine for us. And he, I do feel like I actually talked to him about this before. I'm like, can I like, are you good with me saying or whatever. And he’s like tell the truth, it's just how it is. And I don't know if you've seen the show The Chosen.
ASHLY
57:59
I've watched the first couple of episodes, but I will tell you that my husband is literally obsessed, like number one fan.
MORGAN
58:06
So is Cole. We love it so much. So, I actually binge watched the first two seasons just by myself. Because I do feel like it's a little bit on eggshells talking about religion, because I don't want him to feel like I'm pushing anything on him. So, I just like would watch the little episodes on my phone. At first, because I'm like, I don't want to like make him feel like I'm sneaking this little message on to you. So, I watched it and I was like, blown away by it. Like I might have to, you know, get into it with your husband about being the number one fan because I’m obsessed too.
ASHLY
58:51
I know! You’re making me think, wow. I'm not like a huge TV watcher and he is. And so, like, just at night and stuff like I just don't watch TV like he does. But you're with what he's told me and with what you're telling me I'm like, maybe I should start watching TV a little bit more.
MORGAN
59:12
Well, I'm like you I don't watch TV. Like I at night. I'm like, I want to read all my books. This is like my time to do what I want. And I don’t want to watch TV. So, I really don't either but this like I tell everyone about it. It is so good. And I think it is like strengthened his testimony in Christ. Like I do feel like he has been softened in that way to like he wants to be more like Christ and learn more about Christ. I don't want to say the show has done all these things. It's just a show but the way that they portray everything, and it just makes it just makes you love Jesus more like to see that he was a real person and had real things going on. Like, it was hard for him, you know, and it's just, it's so good. It is worth watching. And I feel like that show has like, made me desire even more to just learn more about him and really read the stories about his mission here on Earth. And it's just so good. And so that's been a fun thing for us to do together that is not like specifically church related, but it's very spiritual. And it's just, it's so good. So, he has, like…
ASHLY
I'm watching it.
MORGAN
Do it, it is good. You won't regret I promise.
ASHLY
1:00:37
That's awesome. So, it's interesting that you say that because I had this, like, I talked about it in another episode at one point. But I have people in my family that are obviously, siblings that I'm very close to and I had a similar feeling of like, well, at first, I'm like, okay, I really want them to listen to the podcast. Like, I really think this could help them, you know, and, and then I had this dream one night, and I don't even remember, like the whole dream. But in the dream, it was like, very clear to me that what they're going through is exactly, like their whole life and their experience, is exactly what they're going through to prepare them for who they are meant to be. And we can't sit here and judge anyone else for where they're at. Because, like you said, you're grateful for your time that you were away, because you realize how grateful you are to have that void filled now. And you can tell the difference. Like you can see the difference in your life. And it's the same thing for me, and my experience. Like, I can completely relate to feeling like, you know, people, I was the, if you've heard my episode, you know, I was the farthest thing from like, being like a cookie cutter member of the church. And, like, it's crazy to say that like, because, I mean, obviously, I caused a lot of pain to people in my family. And it was really a horrible thing to have to go through. But I'm grateful that I went through it. Like, as bad and horrible as it was, I think my parents are grateful too because we all made it through this really challenging thing and the spiritual lessons that were learned from that, were worth the trial to go through it and get there. And so, I think that, you know, obviously, we want, we love the church, and we love the gospel so much, and we want other people to feel what we feel because it means so much to us. But it can be challenging to like, take a step back and be like, hey, they are going like this is their, you know, like people have their journey and their path. And that is what shapes them to be who they're meant to be. I just I love that you said that so much because and I love that you are in a place where you're like, hey, I respect you for your journey and where you're at. And like, I just I think that's amazing. So.
MORGAN
1:03:32
Oh, thanks. And I, I think you just totally hit the nail on the head with, it is hard when you like, do have that, like true conversion, or you're in that place where you're like, I am not doing this to push this on you it's because I love you. And this is so, this has changed my life so much and I want this for you. And so, but the person on the receiving end doesn't always feel that way. And so, I've had to like take steps back and I remind myself all the time because I do love my husband so much and I don't want to like portray this message like I know you're not happy and I wasn't happy before and now I'm happy. Like, I've always been happy but this having this in my life it's just like a deeper purpose and deeper gratitude and deeper love for everything and it's exactly like you said it's these people that you love so much and you just want that for them too. And now looking back I'm like all these people all those years ago that's all they wanted for me too and I just wasn't in the right mindset you know. I can't remember where I heard this if it this person, whoever said it was like, your job is not to tell them what to do or what they need to do, to do X, Y, and Z. Like, your job is to love them. And that just meant so much to me. I'm like, you're right, that my job is to love everyone and to serve others. And that's my job. Like, my job is not to make all these things happen. That's like, the Lord has his own plan and his own timing. And I've seen that in my life, how timing is truly everything. Like, things do or don't happen for a reason. So, I try to remember that all the time, like, that is not my job. My job is to love and to be a good example and to serve and to do what I can to help others. And I wish I could remember. I need to get better at taking notes on all the things I listened to, but that just really stuck with me that comment?
ASHLY
1:05:48
Yeah, um, one book that I read several years ago was The Power of Everyday Missionaries. And anyway, that kind of reminded me of it, and it's a really good book. But um, so I was just thinking about your neighbors that you loved so much, and how you said, they weren't like saying they weren't pushing church things on you. And it was exactly what you needed. And I just, I think that is a huge lesson to all of us that, you know, people, a lot of people listening to this podcast, they, you know, probably have seen a lot of people close to them leave, and they may be seeing other people leave it, like, start some questions inside of them. And so, you know, they're seeking answers, and maybe they find the answers, and then they feel really converted and happy, and they want to talk to the people that have left. Or maybe they just want to try to understand more. But I think personally, for me, one of the things that I've really learned is that exactly what you just said, that the best thing we can do is love them. And be an example. I mean, and it's not even, like, be an example like, oh, it's just, be that person, be your neighbor, the neighbor that was just loving you for where you were at. And you were just like, dang, there is something special about these people. And I mean, I probably could guess that that's the light of Christ just radiating from this family that just showed you so much love and kindness and loving you for exactly where you're at, and not trying to change where you're at, and not trying to push you in one direction or the other. And, but just being there for you and loving you right there. And so anyway, I think this is just such a great lesson to all of us on how we can best interact with people that walk away from the church, or,
MORGAN
1:07:53
Yeah, um, you just said something about missionaries, and I actually listened to your episode when you were talking with your husband. And I think which was so good. You guys just have the coolest stories. And you're so impressive and admirable. And I love it so much.
ASHLY
Well, thank you, I felt the same way about you. So
MORGAN
Thanks. But your husband, I feel like he mentioned a few times that he just loved his mission and really, like wanted to finish his mission. I just kept having the thoughts, I feel like I've heard that a couple times, just here and there. And my perspective is like, we're always on a mission. Like, you guys doing this podcast and sharing your story and other stories. Like that is missionary work. That is, you never know who is listening and who needs to hear the message that you're sharing. And to see like the strength and the things that you guys have gone through and you still like are just thriving. Like, that is that is the Light of Christ. And you guys are being missionaries. And my neighbors were missionaries to me. They weren't like on a mission, but they were missionaries to me, and they changed my life. And so, I like to share that with people because I think we forget that just being a good person. Like, that's just being like Christ. That is all we have to do just love others. And you just never know when the person like me is observing and is just like, what, like, what do I need to do to get there, you know? You never know where people are at. And so, I just I kept thinking that when your husband kept saying that. It's like you are still on an amazing mission. Like you guys are doing amazing things and it's so cool. And so, I just, I feel like we're always, you know, kind of on a mission just doing what we can to be good. You know?
ASHLY
1:09:52
I love that so much. Well, we are over time, but I have a question for you. Did you find out what the seizure like what caused the seizure?
MORGAN
1:10:03
Yes. Okay, yes, I meant to come back to that, because that was another like little miracle thing. But so, I went to the neurologist a few days after the seizure happened. And they did a bunch of tests, and I had to wait a few weeks. And they did like these sleep tests and all these things that took forever. But I finally found out that I was actually having like, partial seizures my entire life. And I just didn't know it. They were just like these partial things where I wouldn't ever, like lose consciousness but like enough that I could explain it to my doctor, like, I would have these little episodes where it just felt kind of like weird and almost like a Deja vu feeling. And she's like, Yeah, those are partial seizures. And I’m like, oh, well, I remember having one when I was like, five. So, I've been having these my whole life. So, the reason that I feel like that was another time thing is like, what are the chances? I go 29 years. That's how old I was when I had the seizure. 29 years without having a seizure like that. And I have one right at that time. What in the world? Like that, and I haven't had one since. I've only had the one. And so, to me, that was another thing that was like, that is just, that is not a coincidence.
ASHLY
That is not a coincidence.
MORGAN
No. And so that was, sorry, I meant to come back to that. But yeah, it was, that was another thing that just was like, what in the world 29 years of having these little partial seizures, and I never had one until right now. That is just crazy. And never have one since, so far. I mean, it's only been a few years. But man, that was another little, little thing that I'm like that there's no coincidences.
Ashly
1:11:43
And it's right after you said that prayer. I know, we need to wrap up. But really quick. One thing that I noticed that is in common with a lot of episodes is that the turning point for somebody starts when they say a prayer. It starts with a prayer. And it's like that, that act of just being willing to have the faith to ask, like, opens these doors and Heavenly Father like, sees you exercising that faith to ask, and then he just delivers. And it's so awesome to see.
MORGAN
1:12:23
I totally agree. I totally agree. And I've thought that about my own story. And like you said, I feel like that is a common theme. Where it's like, my heart was not totally softened by any means. And I still was like, on the fence. But I was in that place where my heart was just a little bit softened. And I was willing to open my heart and my mind, like just that little, tiny bit. And like you said, just having that little act of faith to even say a prayer is enough for Heavenly Father to be like, that's all I need. Like, just effort. He just loves effort. And so, I totally agree. I think that is such a common theme to just show a little act of faith and he will just open all the doors.
ASHLY
1:13:11
Yes. I love that. Well, thank you so much for being on the podcast. This was seriously one of my favorite episodes that I've done so far. So
MORGAN
1:13:23
Thank you for this opportunity.
ASHLY
Of course!
