"In my patriarchal blessing I was told that my health wasn't going to be an issue, that I was going to be strong and have the strength necessary to serve a mission. There were some great promises about me being able to bear my testimony in another part of the world. The spirit was so strong during that blessing and I knew what the patriarch was saying was coming from my Heavenly Father. That blessing gave me the strength and courage to keep going."
Come Back Podcast
Transcription
00:14
ASHLY
Well, Ryan, I'm so excited to have you on the podcast. And so, you knew my husband back in the day?
RYAN
00:22
I remember his name. We played baseball against each other growing up. Yeah, I remember him at Davis. I think he played with one of my cousins there, and so yeah. I kind of always, I remember him being a really good player too. So, I kind of just followed him and watched him down at Dixie, just do well down there. So yeah, I just kind of from afar–we didn't really know each other too well, but yeah.
ASHLY
00:49
That's awesome. That's so cool. So, tell us a little bit about you. Just a little bit about you. And then let's go ahead and jump into your story.
RYAN
Yeah, absolutely. And just to kick it off, it's an honor to be on your podcast. I love what you're doing. I've loved listening to your story, your husband's story, other stories. There are some amazing ones out there. I really love to hear about people overcoming adversity and succeeding. I think it's so great that you're doing this. The world needs this light, and this positivity. So yeah, I really appreciate what you're doing.
But yeah, I was born and raised here in Utah. I grew up in the church. When I was 13 years old, my parents went through a pretty messy divorce and really rocked my entire family. We stopped going to church. I was angry. I was angry at God. I looked at all the families, you know, that were so happy. And I was mad. I was hurt. I was confused. Why? You know, why my parents couldn't stay together and make it work. It just wasn't fair to me. Why did this have to happen to my family? I was 13. Like I said, 13, a very impressionable age, but my mom was struggling, my dad spent time in jail. I remember having to take care of my little brother, while my mom was really trying to heal. Very hard time for my family. Sports were my escape. It was the only thing that really mattered to me. I played football, basketball, baseball, it continued up into high school. I got a full ride to play football at Dixie State. And I headed down to St. George right after high school, while a lot of my friends were going on missions at the time. When I was young, I knew I wanted to serve a mission. It had been seven, eight years of me going to church. I just knew it wasn't an option for me. So, it almost made it easier just going away, getting away, going to school, avoiding it altogether. I wasn't at a point in my life where I thought I needed the gospel. And so, it was me kind of turning myself away from Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I had a girlfriend that followed me down to school. Life away from home was fun and I was always a good student. I got straight A's but in college man, especially down in St. George, I got into partying. I wasn't going to class; my grades were suffering. My mental health was not in a good place. I was becoming something that I wasn't. I felt empty. I knew something was missing in my life. I didn't know what it was, I was miserable.
03:50
I just finished my freshman year of football. I was getting ready for the next season. When I woke up one morning on a regular day, I went to get out of bed, and I fell flat on my face. It was like I was on a swaying boat. I had no balance. I tried to sleep it off for three days. It didn't go away. I was having trouble with my speech, with my vision, with focusing in on things. I went to the doctors in St George and they're like, all my tests were coming back normal. They thought it was some sort of vertigo. But after you know, a few days of it, like my equilibrium being pretty much non-existent. I was fearing for the worst. And my parents were as well. They asked a roommate to drive me home to northern Utah. And the next few months were very scary. Not knowing what I had was very frightening. I showed many symptoms of a brain tumor, M.S., or very serious illnesses.
ASHLY
Was it like that whole time? Were you feeling that same intensity?
RYAN
Yeah, yeah. I mean I couldn't tie my own shoes. I couldn't walk. I couldn't walk without having someone either by my side or like against a wall.
ASHLY
Oh my gosh.
RYAN
05:21
Like, it was wild. It was the darkest point in my life, my identity was taken away from me. Athletics were all I had in my eyes. And now I couldn't even walk. I had had my brother support me while I stumbled around. It was hard for me to get around. So, I just decided it was easier just to stay home and in bed while I was going through all these tests for a few months, a few months of not knowing what I had. But one night I remember having thoughts that maybe it was easier if I weren't around. I felt like I was a burden to everyone around me. And I was in the deepest moments of my despair, I decided, Okay, I'm going to plead with my Heavenly Father, I told him that, that I’d do anything, to be able to walk again. And to feel normal again, I was desperate. And as clear as day, my Heavenly Father told me I needed to serve a mission. And I promised him that night that I would serve a mission if He healed me physically. And shortly after that I was diagnosed with– it's called post viral cerebellar ataxia. So, it's basically a disease that attacks the cerebellum in the brain. My body was fighting mononucleosis, and the antibody stored in my brain caused this infection. And that's what caused me to lose all my equilibrium, my motor skills, such as my eye movements, and my speech. It's actually really, it's most common in little children after they get chickenpox, but they usually recover like in a few days, and you know, they might, they might have just a few of the symptoms, but it's really super rare in adults. And I was told that there was a chance I might not ever fully recover from it. While it was good to finally get a diagnosis, I was really scared. You know, I reiterated, “Heavenly Father if you heal me, I promise you I'm going to serve a mission.” But what I didn't realize at the time is what I needed beyond the physical healing was really emotional and spiritual healing. The effects of my parents’ divorce really had created scars. I was spiritually malnourished.
The next few months were very hard. I was going to physical therapy for six to eight hours a day. At nights I couldn't sleep. And so, I really decided, “okay, I'm gonna turn to the scriptures.” And I read books like Jesus the Christ, The Miracle Forgiveness, really anything I could get my hands on, and I really got to know my savior, Jesus Christ more over those next couple months after I was diagnosed, than in the previous 19 years of my life. I remember reading in Alma chapter seven, and just weeping when I read the scripture that Jesus didn't only suffer for our sins, but our sicknesses and our infirmities. And the Atonement for me really became personal because I didn't think anyone in the world really knew how I felt. But I was told by the Holy Ghost that He did know, and He could help me. And I began to rely on him more than ever. I remember reading about Alma the Younger, who fought against the church. He was basically struck down by an angel, he wasn't able to speak or move. And he talked about being wracked with torment. But when he asked the Lord for forgiveness, he talked about the joy he felt, and how it was just as much as the pain that he felt. And I really started to relate to his experience. I had felt both immense torment, but the joy of the Atonement that the Savior could bring, he began to lift my burden and, and helped me heal. I truly felt like, you know, my experience was like Alma the Younger in a sense that, you know, here I was, and I needed to be humbled and this illness that I had, I started to look at it as a blessing in disguise as a way for me to really turn my life around.
ASHLY
09:51
When you said that prayer, and you were just praying, was that the first time that you had prayed in a while? Or what was your relationship like with God just in general, prior to that?
RYAN
Yeah, it was my first real heartfelt prayer in a long time. I definitely wasn't going to church, and I had really just straight away like my entire family like we, yeah, none of us were going at that point. I just turned away from everything. So yeah, that time praying was the first time like, you know, in eight or nine years of really, it was just based out of desperation of like, okay, I'm at rock bottom right now. Absolutely.
ASHLY
10:45
Mmhmm. So, at this point, you just got your diagnosis, but you're still going through treatments and physical therapy. And it sounds like you still have some of the vertigo type stuff going on. But you told Heavenly Father, you were going to serve a mission. So, then what happened after that?
RYAN
11:04
Yeah, yeah. So, for the next 12 months, I had to retrain my muscles, how to work with my brain again, and how to walk, I had to retrain my eyes, how to work with my brain, I had to learn how to speak properly again. I remember when I first started physical therapy, there was this exercise with pegs, there's this pegboard. And my, my physical therapist said, Okay, I'm going to time you taking out these 12 pegs and then putting them back in the holes. And at the beginning of my therapy, it took me over three minutes to be able to concentrate to take these pegs out, and then to put them back in, and over months, my time just kept getting better. And by a year I was doing it in under 30 seconds. Yeah, during this time, I was also working on the spiritual aspect for working with my bishop on the repentance process on the qualifications to serve a full-time mission, I had a lot of spiritual catching up to do to be able to put my papers in, in addition to you know, being able to physically pass the exam to serve. So, after a long, 12 months, I was physically cleared to serve. It was such an amazing feeling.
I have come so far, both physically and spiritually in that 12 months. It was hard because I mean, all my friends were starting to get home at that point. I was approaching 21 at that point. But I still had in the back of my mind, there was still that concern that I would somehow relapse and have health complications, you know, if I went out and served, and so right after I put my papers in, I went in and got my patriarchal blessing. And in that blessing, I was promised that my health wouldn't be an issue, I would be strong, I would have the strength necessary to serve a mission. And there were some great promises about me being able to bear a powerful testimony in another part of the world. And the Spirit was so strong during that blessing. And I knew what the patriarch was saying was words from my Heavenly Father. Tears streamed down my face that night. You know, when I said my prayers, I just thanked Him. I thanked Him that it was what I needed to hear at that point, to feel that reassurance and peace in my heart that I was going to be okay. I was doing the right thing. You know, I had sacrificed in my mind a lot to be able to get to that point. But that blessing was remarkable. It really gave me the strength and courage to keep going.
ASHLY
13:49
Awesome. Well tell us about your mission now.
RYAN
So, two weeks later, I was after that blessing I was called to serve in the Durban South African mission.
ASHLY
Wow!
RYAN
Such an amazing experience. My time as a missionary was the best time of my life. I met so many amazing people in Africa, the most humble, loving people. My testimony was cemented during those years as I was serving and just forgetting myself. I continued to develop a relationship with my Savior. I came back a different person than when I left and even though we don't serve missions, I mean, I was there to serve the people, but it's just kind of what happens is we're changed in that process and looking back and like the Lord knew that my life would be changed. The Lord knew that Africa was where I needed to be. And so, it was an amazing two years. I still keep in contact with a lot of those people in Africa and it's such a blessing to have like modern technology and, and social media to do that. But yeah, it was such an amazing experience. After I got home, I met my wife at the University of Utah. We were married in the Salt Lake Temple. We have four beautiful children together. And I just look back to me serving as just a catalyst for the rest of my life. And so, I recently got called to the Young Men's, working with the priests, and I just, the youth of this church like the youth of this world right now, they're so strong. I mean, they're living in perilous times. But they, I mean, they're built for it. I believe that they were saved for these last days. And I just, I feel like I can really relate to them. I feel like I'm pushing them, you know, to serve, to do everything they can to get out.
ASHLY
15:54
Yeah, I love that so much. So, in today's world, one of the things that we see very commonly is, it's like becoming this new trend for people to leave the church, which is a big reason why I started this podcast. Because your story of what you went through with your medical challenges is, I mean, it's similar to what I went through with my addiction challenges. And what my husband went through, and so many other stories on the podcast of when you get to your rock bottom, and there's nowhere else to turn, except for your Heavenly Father. It's like, so amazing to see the kind of miracles that happen. And I mean, just hearing your story, it's like, you can tell that that is the case for you. I'm sure that what you went through, you'll probably anchor your testimony to for the rest of your life. And I'm curious to know, like, how do you face hard challenges with you know–a lot of people today, they're leaving over, you know, church history stuff, the CES Letter, they're leaving over all of that kind of stuff. And what advice would you give to somebody that is struggling with those kinds of things? Does that ever shake your testimony? Or how do you handle hard questions?
RYAN
17:21
Yeah, that's a great question. And I've talked to a lot of friends about this recently. My wife talks about this often. It is really sad to see, you know, people getting hung up on things, but I truly believe that everyone has their own journey, you know, my journey and your journey is a little bit different. You know, I've had some really neat opportunities to talk to people that are going through struggles, whether it's health related or, you know, differently. And really share my experience with them. And I feel like I've been able to have more empathy towards others. It's really helped me see others in a different light. And it's helped me resist the urge to judge, I'm always thinking of like, how this person, obviously, is going through a hard time. My wife and my family, we have quite a few people that have left or don't share the same faith as us, stop going to church, believe in other things, etc. And that's just fine. I know that our Heavenly Father loves them just the same. I've learned to love them the same. One thing I do know is that his arm is always extended. And his love is unconditional. And, and He loved me and never gave up on me, even when I turned my back on Him for eight years. And so, those people that are struggling, I just focus on you know, if you look at a tree, you have the roots of the tree that are what really matter and it's the questions of our salvation. You know, is there a God? Does He love me? You know, are we really children of a Heavenly Father? And then as you go up the tree you get to things that maybe don't matter as much like church history–does that really matter for my salvation? So I've just learned to really just focus on really just the core, the core of the gospel. And does the gospel make me want to be a better person? Yes, it does. Has it? Has it made me happy? Has it brought me more happiness in my life. Because I've been on both sides of the coin, you and I, we felt what it's been like on the other side, and so to be it's like, it's clear as day. And the revelations, the feelings that I've got the answers to prayers over all the years have just accumulated to a point where I’m like, I can't deny. I can't deny that the gospel is true. The church has been restored. But everyone, like I said, has their own journey, their own experience. And I, it's hard for me to judge because, you know, others just have different experiences here. And my personal experience is just, it's helped me. It's helped me see, like I said, see people differently.
ASHLY
Right.
RYAN
We gotta love them through those hard times.
ASHLY
20:36
And I think like, what was what you went through, you took that you were out for a while, and it's like, if, you know, somebody would have seen you at that time, maybe they would have thought he probably won't come back, he's partying, and you know, whatever. But it's like, you just never know who somebody is going to turn out to be, you know, you just never know what these experiences are shaping them to be. And so, I think that that's, you know– The case is that sometimes they're going through exactly what they're supposed to go through so that they can be the person that they need to be.
RYAN
21:13
Absolutely. And that's another reason why I wanted to come on and really share here my testimony with your listeners, that miracles haven't ceased in today's world, if we truly look for the hand of the Lord, we will see Him working miracles and softening hearts. And to your point, like I've seen people that I never thought would change or come back. And He's truly working behind the scenes, you know, our Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, they want us to become like them. I was so moved last fall when President Nelson told us that in the coming days, we're gonna see the greatest amount of manifestations of the Savior's power than the world has ever seen. I truly believe it; I cannot wait to see what the future holds. You know, to look forward to Christ coming back in all of his glory. It's easy to be pessimistic, you know, in today's world, but there's so much good. If you really look for it, there's so much good. And there's so many good people out there that their lives are being changed. And that's why I love your podcast. Let's put a light on that! Like, let's highlight that. And let's give people hope.
ASHLY
22:29
Yeah. Yep, for sure. Um, so where if you don't mind me asking, what happened with your relationship with your parents? That was obviously like a really big struggle for you. How is that today?
RYAN
22:42
My parents are wonderful people. Like, I have a really special relationship with my mom, we've always been close. And we still have a great relationship. In fact, we have a lot of really cool experiences where she might not be as active as she once was, but her testimony is still there. And she's the strongest person that I know, what she's been through to where she's at, and her journey and I'm just so proud of her. And I wouldn't be where I'm at, you know, without my mom. And my dad was recently married. He recently married his high school sweetheart, and he's coming back to church after 20 plus years.
ASHLY
Oh, my gosh!
RYAN
They are starting to come back. And I'm just, I'm just so happy. Like, he's the happiest I've seen him in, since I can remember, since I was young. And his wife's amazing and has a testimony. And sometimes we just need that little nudge and so yeah. Kind of what we talked about earlier– it takes time, whether it's in this life or the next. Sometimes it just takes time and just kind of having that faith and that hope that others will come around. It's hard to do. But yeah, yeah, I've a great relationship with my parents. In a way you know that you know, the divorce and those kinds of really dark years. It just, it made us all better. I couldn't have said that, you know, even 5, 10 years ago, but yeah, we're all in a much better place.
ASHLY
Wow, that's so cool. It's like the hard things we go through, even though they suck when we're in the middle of it. It's like they can be some of the building blocks for the best things in our life. So, I love that.
RYAN
Absolutely.
ASHLY
So, I kind of touched on this earlier, but it's like the new thing, where people just all over the place, you see all over social media and they're going through their journey, but there is a lot of loud voices antagonistic to the church, and I'm curious to know, how do you stay close to the gospel? Like, how do you kind of shield yourself from the loud voices that are attacking our faith? What does that look like today? And not let the things of the world affect your spirit?
RYAN
25:32
Yeah, great question. And I'm on social media myself and I've gone down some rabbit holes on Twitter that I'm like, wow, this is yeah, I probably shouldn't be reading some of these things. Yeah, there's definitely that out there, a lot of noise. It for me personally, is, I think just building my foundation on Jesus Christ, my hope and faith and just keeping that really close relationship with Him. And really, like studying the Atonement, you had a Tad Callister on recently, and some of the stuff that he's written is just, it's phenomenal. And just, you know, I know people that spend a lot of time studying anti stuff. I'm like, if you would just study, maybe uplifting books, or doesn't have to be scriptures, but just uplifting, I mean, there's so much good material out there, if you'd spend the same amount of time doing that as you are like, filling your soul with kind of hateful speech, like you wouldn't be in that place. And so, I truly believe that, studying stuff that makes us feel uplifted. Reading about, you know, the Atonement. Learning about the Savior, really just filling our lives with stuff like that. To me it's just been critical for me. Because then like that outside noise doesn't really matter. But at the same time, we're all going to know people that are being affected by it. I have good friends, like I said, people in my family, and just love, love these people. You know, don't give up on them. Don't turn them away. Try to empathize, try to understand where they're coming from. And a lot of times, they just need that person to talk to you. I've learned that I'm not– I always want to solve problems. But that's not my role here. I just need to listen, I need to love this person, I need to give them– just be that shoulder that they can cry on and mourn with them. I think that's what a lot of people need
ASHLY
Yeah.
RYAN
during this time.
ASHLY
28:07
I love how you said that. Your emphasis is on the Savior. I had somebody text me and say, “So what are your thoughts on the church financial–like that whole thing that was in the news just barely?” And first of all, I read the church's statement, which completely explains it. But I hadn't read that before I responded. And I just said, with my experience with what I know, and the change of heart that I experienced, I would be lying if I said that that was not true. Or that that didn't happen. And there's just no other explanation for having such a drastic change of heart, than the Savior’s atoning sacrifice and that, this–the gospel of Jesus Christ, it’s about the Savior, and all the other stuff out there that distracts you from the real purpose, it's just noise. Like it just, I don't– that's not my focus. And I just don't care. And I could have given like a giant explanation of what the church said, and I did copy and paste that and send it by the way, but I mean, it's so true that once you experienced that change of heart, it's like, you can't deny that! And it's like, even if there's something in the news about the church or whatever, it's like, this doesn’t matter because you know what, you know, and you can't deny that.
RYAN
29:38
Exactly. I couldn’t have said it better myself. Yeah. Well, I mean, the church is just a vehicle. It's a vehicle that’s getting us closer to Christ. It's helping us become something more. And there's imperfect people. The core of the gospel is the Savior, it's the Atonement. It's yeah, the principles and ordinances that, and covenants that we keep, yeah, to get us closer and to help us change as well.
ASHLY
29:12
Is there any other final thoughts that you have for us before we wrap up?
RYAN
30:17
You know, the purpose of me kind of telling my story, I think I told you this– I haven't told this to too many people. I've always kind of shied away from being public about my experience. I didn't want people to think like, I don't know, I was on a pedestal, I was trying to be more righteous, or I don't know, brag or boast. But you don't need to have an experience like mine, like yours, to be fully converted to the gospel of Jesus Christ and really come to know Him. You know, I was just stubborn. You know, what's the scripture that, you know, “Blessed are those who humble themselves without being compelled to be humble”? And there's a lot of people out there that are just good quality people, that maybe haven't had this, this grandiose experience, and that's okay.
ASHLY
Yeah.
RYAN
Just stay on the covenant path, as our prophets and apostles are telling us. There's so much joy, I cannot wait to see, where the miracles that are gonna come, and the promises that are going to be fulfilled. And I think that together, collectively, we can help each other along this path. I told some people that even if all the doctrine, you know, in the church, even if none of it were true, there is so much, so many blessings that can come from going to church and just being there for each other. And like I said, mourning with those that mourn, and collectively helping each other get back to heaven. You know, take away all the other benefits, but I think we really need to unite and come together, and I just feel such a strong, that unity that comes from the church. Like if you're struggling, there are people that are angels that are getting revelation to come help you and just allow them, you know, stand in holy places and allow them to help lift you up. Because a lot of times the prayers that are answered are, I mean, it's coming from people around us–our prayers. So thank you so much, Ashly. Thanks for providing this platform. You know, for hope, for light, I just want to see this grow. Like I'm gonna share this, your podcasts, with everyone I know. There's been so many cool speakers on there. I'm just, I'm humbled that I even, that you even took the chance to interview me.
ASHLY
33:15
Because your story's amazing. And you have so much insight. And I also just love what you just said about, you don't have to go through these big things like you and I went through to gain a strong testimony. And that was really cool that you said that. And I just think that, you know, people who have that strong faith, and they don't need to go through these big drastic things. It's those people are really special, you know?
RYAN
Absolutely.
ASHLY
So awesome. Well, thank you so much, Ryan. It has been a pleasure having you on the podcast. And you are awesome. So, thank you so much.
RYAN
Yeah, thanks. Thanks for having me. Really appreciate it.
ASHLY
Yeah.
